365.

25.11.14

365th day: it's been a year.

Just like that 1 year has passed.
Much is different, but some things are still the same. I've stopped thinking about the maybe's, the what if's and the perhaps. I've stopped trying to look for answers in memories that have long passed. I stopped wondering what I could have changed, what I more I could have done.

I'm no longer foolish or hopeful. I've simply accepted it as it is.

365 days since that day, I would like to say I've come far from when it all first happened. Now it no longer feels like a nightmare, but more like a faded dream. A hard lesson learnt, but now things are finally moving along for me, the way it has been for him long ago.

In the little days I still think of him, it always ends up with: How is he doing? I hope he's well.
I may never get an answer to this question, but that's okay. Some things are never meant to be answered.

One year on and I'm finally okay to move on now.
At the end, I'm thankful to have had him, sorry to have lost him.
But it wasn't all in vain.

High Hopes.

I don't wish to disappoint you, 

or anyone else who might have ever had that thought

But empty promises and false hopes are as good as none

I would know, I've felt them before

You don't have to go through that.

If anything I need to honestly tell you: 

I might never be who you want me to be

and I'm sorry for that.

Time is what I need, a lot of it

And that is something I will not ever ask of anyone to sacrifice for me.

"I'm Sorry"

is perhaps the only thing I have the right to say now

I know it might not be what you want to hear

but as of right now, that's all I have

To not let you have to feel what I once felt:

It's all I can do.

It was more.

Last week of school
13 weeks flew by faster than I ever thought it would, we're already mid way through Nov.
Man is this all fast or what? Finals in 2 weeks #blessmysoul I'm gonna ace this thing: GONNA TRY AT LEAST. I owe myself that much after surviving the first sem right?

It's 17 nov, 8 more days and it'll be a year
365 days, 8760 hours
All these time, all that's been blurred and somewhat faded
Yet some things are still fresh like flowers in spring
funny how they stay in my memory
how sometimes, just sometimes, rarely now honestly:
he still comes and goes in my mind

"Was it Everything you thought it'd be?"

"No, it was more."

Maybe not Ever.

I have no means to continue this never-ending fight
honestly so tired of this
I can't ever get my point across
so much so I'm starting to wonder why I even try

Everything is going to be alright?
it's like having to believe you'll see the light in a void of darkness
I'm not sure if I'll ever escape this mircomanagement
maybe not soon; maybe not Ever.

Let her go.

1.04am

I realised how much I don't like funerals.

I guess it's cause I don't like saying Goodbye

Goodbye's are forever, 

and forever is such a long time.

But I like I said, I will always remember the people who leave.

In the midst of music therapy these days, just to try and distract myself by working on my first ever recording:  Passenger - Let her go.

"Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go."

November.

2nd November 2014

I got some bad news today. Something that was unexpected even though we should have expected it. You were always about living life as happily as you could cause it's just too short - that's something I've always tried to learn from you.

I pray that you're in a better place now. I know you will always be looking over us, keeping us safe in your memory. Thank you for loving me like you would your own granddaughter all these years.

I promise I won't forget you.
I never forget the people who left.