Monday, June 30, 2014

Decisions.


My spot has been neglected.
Been so caught up the past 2 weeks I haven't exactly had the time to update this place, real sorry about that. Heh

Last 2 weeks has been nothing short of happenings: between meeting old friends, surprise visits at work, weekend trip w the family to Ipoh, my annoying acid reflux crap (annoying is an understatement), and me not being able to watch How To Train Your Dragon 2 (AGAIN T.T) or Transformers for that matter, just cause all the tickets were sold out. And finally, perhaps the most important and significant news EVER: NUS FASS.

Yeah, I wrote right. I got an acceptance letter from them. Something I didn't ever expect honestly, but I guess there are miracles, that or they saw some good in me? Either way, I can't quite believe it yet maybe. The one place I thought I would go without hesitation gave me an admission spot.

And now, the more serious problem:
I don't know if I should accept it.

At this point some people might want to slap me and ask wth would I not accept it. I guess in this period of time where I thought to seek other options I found something that isn't the norm. A uni that I'm interested in: a course that seems like me. It's the same as I would take if I went w FASS but just in a different environment and with different opportunities for me in the future.

Home is great.
NUS is great.
FASS is great.
Just that after 3 years of JC, I really wonder if I really want to put myself through another 3-4 years of the same system. After learning more about the school, Nus is honestly (in my eyes now) a more up scaled version of a JC; a place where I spent the first 1 year lost and absolutely clueless to why I was there, what I was doing with my life.

I don't wish to go into nus only to find myself lost again midway, wondering why on earth I choose this place when it's just a bigger junior college. In all honesty, I just don't really want to handle such an environment again.
I'm scared I guess, of what would happen if I accepted this, and what would happen if I don't.

Everyone says to go with what my heart tells me, regardless of what it is I choose they will support my decision. How thankful should I be honestly, to have all these family and friends who aren't concerned with where I study (the prestige of the school I choose or what not) just as long as I'm doing what I want, the way I want it. Though, Chris did tell me I should join her and be her fass friend like a GAZILLION times, but she still said she'll support me nonetheless.

"Go with your heart 
and it won't lead you astray."

Again I find myself stuck in between options that both have their advantages and disadvantages. And again it's about a matter that concerns possibly the rest of my life at this moment in time. In a sense I know where my heart lies, I'm perhaps afraid of that first step out to confirming it.

Whatever it is, I just hope to find the courage to make the decision I feel is best for me, and me only. Got till the end of this week to decide, I might as well try my hardest to think about this as best as I can.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Buried.


Sometimes you think you've buried it deep enough
only to realize in the instant when it all comes crashing back
 that you never really forgot.

these past weeks and months 
constantly trying to forget someone who forgot you
suppressing those feelings, those memories, his fading touch
locking them away in the darkest corner

building up the walls, putting on that mask
each time someone mentions him, them.
feeling yourself crumble a little because of happy he looks
but you insist you're happy for him
because You are.

you just forgot to mention that while you're glad he's happy
you sometimes still struggle with the pain
that heart-wrenching, empty feeling in your chest,
it shouldn't be there anymore
should it?

You're getting better now
so don't let yourself miss a single thing about him, about the both of you
don't let yourself tear up anymore just cause you get reminded
Keep it up, keep going on.
Keep looking forward, keep wishing him; them, well

and it's okay to still have those feelings
just remember to pack them up each time you accidentally fall apart
It will be okay
at the end, it always is.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Eventually.



Things have been worse before, and you survived either way.
Don't let this get to you
Don't slip through the cracks again
Hold it together
You are stronger than this.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Art of Hearing Heartbeats.


"He would learn that there are wounds 
that time could not heal, 
only reduced to a manageable size."

- The Art of Hearing Heartbeats


In the midst of yet another book
In all honesty I picked it up cause the cover was stunning but then the contents itself is proving that regardless of cover, this is a book that I would have picked either ways. Train rides to and from work is the only time I can manage a read now. Sad, but in a sense good as well. At least I won't plough through this like I usually do with my other books.

Personal time feels so limited now with work and me giving tuition at the same time. Suddenly it's like I only have the weekends to myself (not really either considering tuition are on weekends) now why does that sound so oddly sad? Haixx.

Speaking of work, Chris has been sick for 4 days straight and hasn't been coming to work. Good news is she's coming back tomorrow, bad news is it might be my turn to be absent soon.... I got me the sick virus that's been spreading around sigh pie :( need a miracle recovery to keep up with all the events I have over the next 4 days. Funny how when things are quiet, life gets really boring. But the moment I'm busy, I'm always packed FULL back to back almost every day?!?!?! What logic is this even?

Either ways I need to get better FAST. Miracle healing lady/dude (if you exist) please let me recover FAST FAST. PLEASEEE
oh and I just realized that I have Ellie Goulding's Beating Heart on replay mode while I've been reading The Art of Hearing Heartbeats and writing this tonight. How coincidentally apt heh