Wildflower.

Year 1: Sem 2, Day 2.

Back to school, and to the labyrinth of my daily classes and new mods.
Classes so far have been interesting and also dreary :/ I really like my ESL408 prof, while coms225 and 217 is proving to be a stark different from com101 (really miss Dr. Lohiser now) Socio Stats is a mad mess of JC stats.... and we all know how I am with math: love-hate relationship strong here hahaha. So I'm just hoping it will all turn out well.

New timetable only allows me to see the clique twice a week now, good and bad. Bad cause they are the people I've become so accustomed and comfortable with that interaction is kinda a brainless thing. Without them around, it's a little like a lost sheep in the sea of masses #schoollife
Good? Hmm, perhaps the minimal good is that I meet new people, make new friends. School is surprisingly a lot bigger than what I remember (I think I just see my clique mates too often LOL) The other comms kids and kids from other majors are starting to "show" themselves. A ton of unfamiliar faces, but hey, that's a start.

I have to admit though: I'm out of my comfort zone.
I am accustomed to the familiar, I've never really been one for change. Not that I don't like meeting new people or that I'm unsociable or anything like that.... I just tend to...... lean away from the idea of having to go out and keep making new friends constantly (OKAY I KNOW THIS IS IN EXACT CONTRADICTION OF EACH OTHER. BUT, THAT'S EXACLY HOW I FEEL. HAHAHAHA)

It's gonna be fine though :))
At least my friends tell me I'm gonna be just fine. Haha. Apparently they reckon I'm the kind of person who has no problems making friends, and learning in an "unfamiliar environment" I sure hope they are right.

Sem 2 week 1, and I'm feeling the strain.
Think it's cause I've not quite adjusted back to school life yet, but one step at a time: The crazy is just getting started. Just as long as I know my aim for this sem is to be a wildflower: to grow in ways and places that are unexpected.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the next 13 weeks: I can do this! JYS!

Unexpected.

1.36am
Some people come into your life in an unexpected manner.

An unexpected person, in an unexpected way. Things just kinda happened and honestly, I'm glad I can now say we're friends. No longer just a friend's friend, but we are friends. I haven't felt so at ease with a person who isn't part of the familia gang in a pretty long time, talking about anything and everything. So much so that I lost track of time and had to catch one of the last buses home.

I appreciated the honesty, the personal sharing. It's been awhile since anyone's been so honest and open about themselves with me. Everyone's just so hidden these days - we lack the courage to be truthful about ourselves, the things that trouble us, the things we've been through, the family and friends we care about. Honesty is now such a rare and precious thing.

I'm glad today happened.
It was an unexpectedly nice feeling: comfortable, trusting.
And I'm happy in knowing that there will be more to come with this person, I guess sometimes we just gotta sit back and let life decide what's going to happen: we lose some, we win some.

It will be brighter.

2:16am
I cried tonight.

Had dinner with a friend and we ended up talking about school, about life.
It's been more than 5 months since I last cried
I've been strong for more than 5 months.
It wasn't because of anyone else, it was just because of myself.

Because I am afraid.
Afraid to hurt anyone, afraid to be hurt again.
I thought about the people I've pushed away the past year.
The people who most probably didn't deserve my coldness
I'm sorry
I felt bad, but it was all necessary.

Because I am still working on me.

Trying to figure out how I am as a person
how things work
and I can't expect anyone to be able to accept or love me now:
I'm not whole, not yet.

This is just me, and my thoughts
My own responsibility to bear, because no one can control my feelings other than me.
It's not that there was anything wrong with those people
I just can't risk hurting anyone
No one else is at fault.

I've succeeded once, I can do it again
Head up, heart strong.
It will be brighter.

Past.

Same you. Different you. Still You.

The funny thing about the past is that it catches up to you sometimes.

We both tried so hard to keep it that way that I had become used to it. We're suppose to be better off that way remember? You and I are better off that way, remember?

Seeing you was fine. Listening to you tell me things we both already knew, was fine. Talking to you was fine. It's all fine even though it wasn't suppose to be. It was fine until you said the words I never thought you knew. You said: 

"Stop building walls up around yourself. You may be okay with it but some people around you aren't, they just don't say it. I broke your walls down once, only to cause you to built them up higher. Not every guy is like me. Don't think that they are."

When you said those words I didn't know how react.

I was fine. Fine until you you said that. 

You've always known me better than I've known myself. Things I could hide from other people, I wouldn't be able to hide from you. 1 year on and it's still the same. That scares me: how well you still know me. 

All I could do was look at you, in that state, thinking: how the hell did we end up like this?

You might not remember everything, even though you promised you would remember what you've said come morning when you are sober. But I will remember. You don't have to, me alone is enough.

So Dear past,

Please just be happy: the way you are suppose to be. Thank you for saying what you did, for caring when you didn't need to. It may not bother you often at all, the way you said so yourself, but I would rather it didn't bother you: I don't ask of anything else from you other than for you to be happy.
I'm okay. I am happy too. It is not a lie.

All that has happened; it is what it is, and that's good enough.

2015.

2015.

Just like that it's another beginning.

2014 felt emotionally longer than it should have been, but physically shorter than I had hoped. How weird is that? Hahaha. All that's in the past now and I look forward to 2015's new beginnings and the things that are waiting for me ahead.

In many ways 2014 was treacherous, but like they all say, every cloud has its silver lining. And truer words perhaps could not be said for me this passing year. In the things that I have lost, I've gain much more in a new found courage, the love from my family and friends, and in the new experiences and people that Uni life has brought to me.

"Let your past guide you in your future, not stumble you"
my words to myself for 2015. I'm not quite sure what to expect this coming year, but I hope that I will  find the strength and courage to open my heart up to the people who mean me well. To become a better me, and to hopefully do everything with an open mind, heart and an understanding that: In life, things will get better :)

To the people that have stuck with me through 2014: Thank you all so much, for the bottom of my heart. To the people that I've gotten to know better these past few months: You're all the unexpected few, but I'm glad that some way or another each of you appeared and somehow or rather we became closer. To the people I love: May the year be kind to you, and come what may, I hope that familyship (new word hahahah) and friendships will only get stronger <3

Hello dear 2015, I think I'm ready for you.