"After all that we had."

04:18am

I was always sure.
Sure that even in a sea of faces, I will, by some odd and unbelievable way, still be able to find him.

I was wrong.
I almost didn't recognise him tonight.
He's lost weight
Quieter too, it seems. Not just cause he kept to his friends but in his person, he seems.. quieter
I guess, he's changed again.
And yet his eyes and that gaze, are still the same.

If there really is a thing called Fate, it might just be this: an acquaintance and mutual friend of his texted me for some advice at that time too. I never expected to hear from this person after we all graduated, much less be the one sought after for advice. We were, not exactly friends and I am.... in no means wise. Everything I am is learnt from experience.
Lately, quite some people have been coming to me with relationship issues. My family, best friends, and even people I'm not familiar with. All seeking a listening ear and (maybe?) some way to get out of what they are in. I don't really know why they'd think to come to me. I don't have the answers they are seeking.
But perhaps, my past experiences have something to offer them, or so that's what they tell me.

No surprise that seeing and listening to these people remind me of the past.
Every time someone now tells me they finally know how I feel 1.5 years ago, that moment comes back, and I can't help but feel so apologetic towards them. No one should experience that. But at the end that is not within my control, and what I can focus on is how I can help them in any way, from my limited capacity.
Hearing them talk about the me back then is slightly unnerving.... why wait almost 1.5 years to tell me how they felt about my situation back then? Too much time has since passed for me to know. I guess it lets them get a load of their chest.

It is really quite hard when you become strangers with people once closest to you, lover or friend.
Memories and the emotions that that come with don't just disappear with time. They only fade, but like every thing that never goes away fully, they come back when triggered. That is sometimes the best, but also the most painful thing.

That acquaintance asked me what is to happen from here on. How can she/he cope with losing the person she/he loves if that person chooses to leave. I apologized, saying that I don't have the answers, that if unfortunately true, this is just the beginning of what is to be dealt with alone. But that with time, somehow, Faith and pain will eventually give a solution.

At the end I realized how helpless I still am in such situations.
Not cause I'm lost like how they feel, but because I know what they feel. And because I know there is no shortcut to what they are about to deal with on their own. Support from everyone is great, helpful. But we all have our demons and inner voices, ones that no one else can stop. Memories will become the most cherished and hated thing. And heartache will feel so much like physical ache, you can't breathe sometimes.

All I can do is to pray and hope, for the strength to help them in some way or another, and for it to get easier every time I have to revisit those memories again.

Glow.

Too many people come and go
It's getting harder to tell whose real and whose not.

At the times when you feel alone,
remember the friends who Glow and know that they are the ones who will stand by you.

Loved.

James Bay - Hold Back The River

New favourite song at the moment

Can't stop singing this with the bacon boys (in the car especially hahaha) we sing a lot in the car, mostly involving them (kj, siah, boobie) screeching at the top of their lungs, being dramatic and totally making a complete fool out of themselves HAHA just thinking about it makes me laugh. Too bad they will TOTALLY KILL me if I ever posted any of those videos of us in the car.....if not for that I would upload EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM LOL.

Finals are over, another sem just like that.

And I'm currently already almost 1/2 way through my 2 week break before summer sem starts again?!?! :( booo but it's okay, I shall have fun on my short trip with mama tomorrow first. It's our first mumz and daughter trip together, so I'm kinda really excited for it hehehehe. Hopefully all goes well!

Met Boobie and Siah for lunch today near home and.... we ended up going on an impromptu journey to Katong cause Siah wanted churros to which of course I didn't complain one bit at all cause: 1) IT'S CHURROS <3 and 2) Boobie drove. I've realised how it's only with the people you're closest too that you do the stupidest stuff with and I guess, they are exactly that :') I am also, as always, thankful.

Attended an old classmate's 21st on Tuesday and the one thing everyone seems to agree on (except me) is that I have for some unknown reason, lost a lot of weight and I look like, I quote: "the wind can blow me away" LOL pretty sure I am NOT that skinny yeah, or anywhere near even, but then that's they seem to agree on. Annoyingly enough, when I told them about it, boobie and Siah both said I could use with some fattening up. HAHA they are always suaning me, I wonder when they decided to be so "kind" in telling me I'm not fat. 

Guess I never quite put back on all that weight I lost. Not a bad thing, I'm "healthier" in size I think? though saying that may not have been a good idea, cause I got nagged at by boobie, after which he said some stuff that just made me feel much loved by such nice people really :')) having them around is always a reminder that I'm never alone, come what may, they will stand by me.

Speaking of which, I met another one whose been with me through a ton of crap, I would say: repeating my year, losing myself, my confidence, everything. Then helping me find it all back again. Yeah, we're weird whenever we get together. We get judged A LOT for laughing our heads off at things only we understand and for crying for each other whenever something bad happens too. But maybe that's exactly what it's like to have a best friend, just like it is with Dawn and Chris. And I, wouldn't have it any other way with this girl too.

hehhehe we weird <3

2:21 am and I gotta be up in less than 4 hours for my flight..... I'm forever not getting my priorities straight sometimes. HAHA oh well, them writing feels don't always come, a little like how I only sometimes remember how loved I am.

Gonna go have a great time with mumz the next few days, and hopefully whoever you are that might be reading this, will have a good few days too :)

Au Revoir

Breathe.

Hello out there.

It's been a little too long since I've written in my space. I'm surprised people still come to check on me, but thank you if you're one of those nice people :)) Guess I've just been too caught up with school. Okay maybe not so much of a guess but rather it's really just been all about school the last month or so. Last tutorial and lecture was out the window last week and suddenly even recess week is about to end i.e FINALS ARE COMING. Pretty fast this all is.

The concept of time has been lost this week, something that Kes insists only happens in recess week. Meh. Between the days I spend camping at the airport's Starbucks this past week (or various other Starbucks for that matter) and other little things...... I kinda just let my Monday slipped right onto Friday. Okay, so maybe not just this week, but like every other week for the past 13 weeks kinda just went from start to end :/

But life has been as it should be the past 1 month or so. Busying myself with deadlines, studies, teaching, work. Throw in a little R&R from time to time with my favourite people and that's about right. Been doing yoga a lot more now too. I think it's a lot to do with my knee getting worse and my mind wandering off to no man's land (as always). I kinda needed, and still need, something to ground me, help me find my centre and tame those annoying insomnia nights.

All that yoga is seemingly paying off though, because I've finally (sorta) perfected the mermaid move (don't laugh. even though it sounds ridiculous) this morning after a good run w mumz, papa and sissy's family @ Keppel Marina YAYYY! It ain't much, but as someone wise once told me: small steps in everything you do, small steps.

So much has progressed from my last blogpost till now that I'm not quite sure where to start.
Writing here has always been an outlet, yes. But in many ways it's also the time I take to process all the change that happens. Like me time in my head, but the out-loud version? Haha. I mean, if I can put thoughts into words then perhaps I can understand what my weird little head and/or heart is saying. sorta.

Lesson learnt: I might need to stop being on hiatus for such long periods of time - my mental dump is getting cluttered haha. Then again, when life happens, there isn't much we can do but to go with the flow and keep on going till we can stop to take a breather.

I've been chasing after all these Goals. Ideals. Deadlines.
and that might never stop. It is in an odd way a personal choice but at the end we do what we do for the bigger picture, no? Yet every once in awhile it's good to just sit there quietly and Breathe: remembering that there are still things, important to your own, worth fighting for.

and now... a photo of a roll of fat cuteness to lighten the mood HAHA