Until that day comes along.

Kodaline - Moving on

Every song has its own meaning to someone, some more different than others. Someone once told me that even with time passed and feelings changed, some songs and words will always bring you back to a certain person: that one person that meant a lot. He is perhaps, that person to me.

Finally played Kodaline again.
After so long. It's different feeling hearing them again. Not quite sure how to explain what I mean by different. It just is.

I was walking in the crowds on the way to take the train and the playlist shuffled to Moving On, a song I haven't heard in more than a year. Quite dramatic this may all sound but at that moment it was the kind of feeling where everyone around you just goes on with life and you feel like you've frozen solid, transported back to a feeling or a memory perhaps? Something buried that got awoken is maybe the best way I can describe this feeling.

One of those cliche things that only happen in dramas and then you suddenly find yourself stuck in the middle of a moment like that. Literally it's happening to you haha. It's a... really really odd feeling. And that feeling got me feeling like I needed to write, an urge I've lacked the past month or so (not quite sure why too) but yeah, it got me thinking to write about a person.

A person I haven't thought to write about in this way in a long time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have wondered to myself for a long period of time as to when I can talk about this again.

When can I talk about it or bring it up to anyone without sounding like I'm not over him, as some people still do believe. When can I talk about it without having to shake off that momentary emotion that sometimes still comes with it.

When will it be right for me to talk about it as if it had happened to someone else, that it wasn't personal, so personal. How much time do I need to give it? To give myself.

It's almost been a year and 9 months.

Funny thing is that time, in its collective moments, pass so slowly now that I'm living my life again. These last 6 months feel like they've dragged on for too long, but in reality, each day zooms past without my proper acknowledgement. Kinda weird.

People bring up the past now without worry of how it may affect me, they are less careful. They joke about it, I mean even I joke about it and brush it off as best as I can. It's my way of letting them know I'm fine, that they don't have to worry about or protect me all the time anymore. In a way I'm happy that they are more relaxed around me, might be cause I'm more relaxed about the whole thing too I think.

In the last few months especially, I've finally been able to talk about it in a more rational, detached kind of way. Might be the people I've been talking to as well. From being people who were strangers in their own way and whom only knew one side, to well, people who now knows when and what to say to me and I guess I could say they now know me too. 

In a lot of ways it's been oddly comforting. Comforting in the sense that I've been trying to accustom myself to the idea that I, with all my different inner conflicting arguments and thoughts towards what we had and him, can coexist within me. (sounds complicated, but it's really not THAT much, to me at least haha) 

At the end I am still clear: What I felt for him was real, it was a kind of happiness I hadn't known before. And I've never blamed or hated him. I doubt I ever will.

Jan 2015, the beginning of this year, at that party. The me then had too many reservations, I thought too much (and maybe I still do sometimes haha) I saw him still as the person I love from more than a year ago and I know for sure that I wasn't ready to be friends. He was right about not being able to be friends with me back then. I couldn't.

July 2015, more than halfway into the year. The me now is a little different. I find comfort in knowing that he is happy. It's more than just wishing and wanting the other person to be happy. It's more of finding peace with things, the way they are and gradually being okay with that. I may still choose to avoid him and the people around him when I see them out on the streets, but it's no longer for the reasons in the past. I just know better than to disrupt the life he has now, even if to him I hold no meaning or impact. It's now more for my own conscience I suppose

More importantly, I think.... I'm now more of me than I was before all of it (for a lack of better phrasing) haha. A slightly braver version of myself, where I know myself better now: all my faults and things I can be better in. I've grown a fair bit as a person. Stronger, definitely. But hopefully I've become a better human too.

It's okay to love someone more than you love yourself. 
"Selfless love" right...? (That's a good way to put it LOL) But okay, on a serious note, don't love  someone so much till it makes life hard for them and the people around them. And don't love them so much that it kills you. That kind of love, may have happened unknowingly. But at the end, my ignorance should not be an excuse. 

This perhaps is the biggest realisation I've had from this all.

Maybe one day if fate wants it so, we can be in each others lives again. 
Whether or not that happens, at least now I know, I'm going to be okay with the idea of him back in my life.

"Until that day comes along,

I'll keep on Moving on."