Let it go - James Bay

Haven't been writing in awhile.

Then again I haven't had much to write about. Haha. It's been my usual busy, busy (make that really really busy) school life, with the summer semester being so short. 6 weeks are almost over, just like that. And all the big deadlines and finals are next week.

Kinda excited to just get this semester over with. And then take a good break for another 4.5 weeks before I leave. It's becoming really surreal now.

As of today, I'm at a countdown of 47.

Yes, it's going that quickly. Not long before I was telling my friends, 1 more year, then 6 more months, then somehow it became 3, and then 2, and now I'm inching closer to the last month. I've been having mixed feelings whenever people around me bring up my departure. But at the same time I've been too busy these last 3 weeks to really pay too much attention to these feelings too. It's quite a good thing I would think. After all thinking too far ahead, trying to predict the unpredictable can be quite tiring after awhile.

But I'll just be honest and come out to say, the reason why I'm here to write again, isn't because I'm tired from these few hectic weeks, or that my mixed feelings of leaving is getting to me. (Haha, yes I rambled all the above, but I'll get to the main point now) I guess it's a lot to do with some of the thoughts I've been having lately.

Lately I've been thinking: I almost can't quite recognise myself anymore.

Not to say it's a bad thing.

I think in this case, it might not be necessary to even put an emotion down to this. It's just a matter that I've become..... alot better at just letting things go in general. (a not so nice way to say it is that I might have become a little more heartless haha) So much so that sometimes at night, before I sleep, I can't help but wonder what exactly is becoming of me.


The me that used to care so much about whether I had hurt the feelings of another person, for fear that they would feel what I once felt.
The me that would worry excessively about other people, even though I didn't need to.
The me that would want to protect the friends I cared for most,
The me that couldn't and wouldn't have been able to turn a blind eye to the people I could never reciprocate feelings for.
The me that might not have been able to accept the situation I am in right now.


Right now, I'm no longer that person.

Not to say that I've become the opposite of what I was....... it's just......I guess I can now better accept that there are things I can't change, people I will hurt, friends that won't be able to stay no matter how much I try.
That I still can get hurt whenever I invest myself into people, friends, things (but that I am also more forgiving towards myself now, when things don't work out)
I accept that people will leave, and not necessarily because I've done anything to them, but simply because I couldn't give them what they had wanted from me.


To be frank, I quite like this version of me a little better.
Don't get me wrong, I still care a great deal. I still wish the people who are in my life, and those that are no longer, the best of luck with everything. I hope they'll always be well. Even as life goes on, I sometimes still stop to remember people from the past, or even the people who are still in my life but maybe we aren't as close as we used to be. I just move on from these little pockets of past memories much quicker than the old me would have. I now can actually say, I will be okay when people leave me, because I'm hardened by it.

My so call "change", if I can even call it that,
It's just growing up, becoming more mature and less affected by little minute things. I know.
Still, a little part of me is worried: that I might become heartless one day.

I'm afraid I'll forget one of the most important things to me: is to empathize with the feelings and thoughts of others. That if only I can try to think a little more from their perspective, I'll know why they act in a certain way, or say things they don't quite mean. I'll be able to understand why certain things in my life have ended up the way they are now.

What if one day I stop wanting to empathize with other people? I'm slowly becoming a little like that, a little more selfish. I've stopped putting in the effort to keep some important people in my life - giving the excuse that I can't stop them from feeling the way they do and if I've tried and it doesn't work, I should just stop trying.

Someone who turns their back against others, who gives up on things in life and people too easily - That's not the kind of person I want to be.


Quite truthfully, there isn't a conclusion thought to my ramblings.
Usually why I write is to help me sort it all out (a little at least) and I can find a grounding to where I stand. But today I have nothing.

And funny enough, I am.... okay with that.

I guess I just hope that I'll always remember the person I want to be.
That no matter how much the world, people and things around me change, I will remember to stay true to myself.

Maybe that's a sort of conclusion? I don't really know too.
If you've had the patience to read up till this point, I sincerely thank you. And for my relentless rambling, I would give my apologies. I feel like my thoughts have been growing a lot older these few years, and people tend to talk more when they get older (haha)

T-minus 65.

65 more days.

Is it weird to say that I'm not that prepared? haha. There's so much to do and honestly, so much I haven't done - visa matters for one is so important, and my mods too haven't been confirmed, confirmed.

Rachel came over on Sunday cause she had some stuff that she wanted to talk to me about. So basically we had a pretty long HTHT, things that are pretty personal. I'm just just glad she's getting better everyday.

She said a lot of stuff that I essentially agree with as well (guess that's why we get along so well to begin with right) haha. But yeah, she suggested some things to me, that upon reflection makes a lot of sense.

65 more days till approximately 22 weeks.

And if some stuff changes (cause whose to say) it might become 42 weeks... that's a long time to be away. Things can change in a span of a week let alone in 22 weeks. So yeah, it is best to leave with no attatchment. Right? Right.

Pulling too many late nights these few weeks.
School in a couple of hours and here I am at 2 am, still awake mehh. Time to try and shut off my brain and get some rest.

03:51am

Everyone has days like that.

It's something that everyone will know once in their lifetime: Will I ever be good enough?

Maybe I never will, to the people who might matter the most.

Yet oddly enough I'm coming to terms with it: that I'm better off this way on my own.

The idea of Love, has always been something too out of reach for me anyways.

05:06am.

And I do wonder, if being afraid means that something is important to you.

Being honest about how you feel, is a lot harder than I remembered (or is that just me?) I choose to believe that's something that most normal humans struggle with.

I feel a little weird tonight.

Not exactly sure what this slightly empty feeling in my chest is,

I'm not exactly sure why it is there to begin with. 

What is this I'm feeling....

Not exactly sure why it was hard to say Goodbye

when I knew it was going to happen eventually.

I'm not exactly sure why I asked that question, when the normal me would just have kept quiet and let it slide. Not exactly sure what it is that makes it harder to leave each time. Not exactly sure why it hovers around my mind even when I'm busy, nor why I concern myself with it when it isn't my place to.

It's a little Hazy, all of it.

Knowing what is right and being able to do it without hesitation can sometimes be such a difficult thing. Everything that happened now seems like an illusion. The only real thing I am sure of perhaps, is that I am strong. Just like what was said to me, I'll be alright - everything has always only been a matter of time. Right? 

So whatever this is I'm feeling.

Or whatever all these different feelings I'm having are: I'll pack them up, lock them away and keep them safe where no one will know - cause that is what's expected of me. 

Wish I could sleep though, feeling so tired but my mind won't shut off.... All my rolling around in bed is only making it worse. It's been such a long night, so much so that I feel like I'm dreaming. And the thing about dreaming is that eventually, we'll have to wake up.

A photo of the night sky taken by a friend in Australia

Hello.

It's me.

Well yeah, it has to be haha, since this is my little space after all. Almost been a month since I was here - I decided that maybe I needed to stop writing down all those depressing and upset feelings because they weren't really offloading for me, but rather becoming a greater reminder.

So.....
for the last 25 days I've just been shelving everything and anything that I've been feeling. Good or bad, at the end of the day I hit delete and momentarily, I don't let it affect me - AT ALL. Admittedly, me being busy has helped greatly. The semester is ending, meaning everything is speeding up once again. I've finished quite abit this few weeks: presentations, reports, exams, quizes, school work, family stuff, volunteering. Being busy is good. I like being busy.

It's also been a little rough too.
I saw the friend that drifted from me in the last few months - and I realised "wow this is hard" to know someone so well back then but it's like we can't even say hello now? Then also I realised that it didn't hurt as much as it used to. I was upset. But I know that friend is doing well with life - and if for some reason I am no longer needed in that life, I am now okay to accept it and wish them the best.

People come, people go.
Oddly enough, I get over it faster every single time - the disappointment that comes from being too attached to others. Guess practice really makes everything perfect, soon to come I might not even feel a thing when people leave me. (that came out a lot more depressing than I had expected haha but it's true, and also a part of life)

Good things have happened too. Unexpected good things.
Things that have made me realised I've left the past behind and I'm ready again. Of course, I'm still skeptical as always and also Afraid - as I should be I guess. But I promised myself in February that I would try to be more hopeful than careful. So I'll have a little faith and just see where it goes, for the first time in a long time I don't want to pass up on this feeling - I might regret it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, I'm 3.5 months away from leaving.

I'm not quite sure what to make of that - excited, nervous? Admittedly, it's mainly a quiet happiness in me.

After so long, it's finally happening. 

I've always wanted to just leave everything behind for a bit - to be alone from all that I hold dear and all that I'm familiar with. It's not just Wanderlust, I've realised. It's just me wanting to go out there and see things beyond my little world.

I'd like to meet different people, see sights I never knew (good and bad), experience things.
Do all of it.

Perhaps it's comforting to know that my mentality has changed now.
3 years ago, I wanted to leave because it would mean escape from the things that haunted me - my supposed failure in studies, in my relationship, seeing death and losing sight of myself in the midst of everything. Right now I want to leave for the bigger things that await me.

This time, I won't be leaving memories or people behind.

This time, it'll just be discovering me.

00:45

To be honest, it feels pretty constant.

Like a space you know you can't fill, no matter how much you try. That's what it's like when you lose a friend you've grown too used to having around.

"I've discovered a moment in my life where your absence was evident. 

I'm admitting that I can't do certain things without thinking about you,

 and who you are, and the memories we have."

03:26

It's the people you miss out of nowhere, in the middle of the day, when you're busy as crap in your hectic life, when you're in the middle of a laugh and you pause short, cause it hits you hard - even though it shouldn't.

Those are the people that made the difference.

In the words of another person, I'm most probably emo as fuck (pardon the language) hahaha. I promise I'm happy most of the time. All this "depressing talk" is just a side of me I no longer confide in other people anymore. Sad. But True. I realized no one really cares anyways, and even if they did, you'd unknowingly expect them to try and help you if they're your really really really close friends (because you'd do the same for them) and then when they don't, that's another round of disappointment to face. So, might as well just deal with it on my own.

For the most part, I end up here writing my heart and soul out - I'm sorry I sound depressing, again, I'm not haha. But I do need an outlet, to unload all my crappy emotions and demon thoughts. This place is that. Okay and also, maybe twitter.

I've been thinking (yeah, again, as usual haha) Honestly, I wonder why I give so much of a fuck to people who obviously don't. (Again, sorry, pardon the language. I suddenly am very in need to let out a few curses to get my point across and express my level of frustration with myself) Who are they, to have that great an effect on me?

Why?

I ask myself that all the time.

And the reason? I care too much, thinking my sincerity and friendship will be reciprocated.
Treat others the way you want to be treated right? Wrong. That only applies to other cases, of which it's teaching you to not be rude or mean or offensive to others. The reality is, I get overly attached, to people who seem so genuine (and maybe they were, but they decided not to be anymore) and then I keep giving. I don't know where to stop. CORRECTION: I do, I just still keep giving, and doing and reaching out to them.

Well, the result? I get majorly Fucked.
It's not their fault or responsibility. It's mine. I shouldn't trust people too much, we change. I shouldn't take things too hard, people grow apart and get left behind everyday. Everyone loses someone - even the people they thought they never would.

My problems are too petty in a world so filled with grief.

I'm getting tired of telling myself to: Fuck it and sua.
Also getting tired of reminding myself repeatedly to not care, not be concerned, not try or reach out. Not worry or lose sleep over things like that, not be sad about it, NOT TO CRY OVER IT. It's harder than it sounds (just like always)

Emotions should come with an off/on switch.
That would make life so much easier for me - for the most part I'd like keep them off.