northern lights.

and before i die, i would really like to see this with my own eyes.

such bittersweet nostalgia.

well hello.

tonight is not seemingly the right time for blogging, considering that my fridays are exceptionally long and tedious to even think about. tutorial for every subject i take tomorrow and it's a day for my consults, so i don't think i'm suppose to be here huh? can't help it, these writing inspirations and moods wait for no one, they come and they go. (about as temperamental as girls.)

so, recent updates: 

- had the longest talk with a girl friend of mine on sun. felt too good to just talk to her about everything and anything, laughing about even the most unfunny stuff. moments like these can never be replaced.

- took chem spa on wed. i thought it went really well actually (:

- headed to OCS on wed too, as part of the j1 field trip. it reminded me of something i once dreamed of (the dream might still happen, we'll never know)

Adam Lambert's playing now. his songs make me wanna dance, and i need that sort of jive to keep me through these long nights. time's a ticking and we're down to a month, every minute i spend now is basically building up and waiting, just waiting. long quiet nights with my books is what i'm aiming for. but this body of mine is refusing to cooperate and it's frustrating at times. ah well, everything is perfected with practice and a strong will, so i will reduce sleep time enough to max study time soon.

all these little anxieties build inside me sometimes. not sure if anyone can really understand this, it's called the repeat student woes. sometimes it's not that no one else tries to understand where we're coming from, it's just that other than our fellow comrades, no one else can fully feel all these emotions. the emotions you deal with yourself, the expectations that are thrusted upon you, the stakes you're risking, the frustration of situations, and at times we would feel like nothing is going our way.

it's the times like these when i find myself reading the blogs of my friends, essentially the 11s girls and seeing that it's about all same, all same with us all. irregardless of the fact that they are j2s and well i'm still here. we all feel like this battle we are fighting is tiring us out and we can only hang on for dear life while looking to the people we call our friends.

without them i most probably wouldn't make it till now. that's all that i can say, and all that there is to be said. strength truly does lie in numbers and perhaps knowing that this battle is not fought and cannot be fought alone is also comforting. sure, their battle and mine are world's apart, but what is at stake is pretty much the same: we don't have second chances anymore.

maybe this is why i've always still felt this connection to the people i've long left. we aren't that different, just that if i make it through, i will have one more year of this to go through x about 1000 times (around there) while they all head on to uni/NS. it's a one shot thing isn't it? now or never, do or die. 

life ahead is scary yet hopeful. not just this jc journey, but in general. the things that you may achieve, the things that you are capable of, it's all endless and up to you to reach for what you believe in. this mix of dread and curiosity can be so conflicting at times. and though some will argue that it's pointless to think so far ahead, but i like to do it at times. so that i know where i'm going still, or somewhat at least.

tomorrow's the last official school day for the j2s. it might have been for me too, but life has other plans in store for me so no rush, my time will come. tonight is bittersweet nostalgia all over. in this period of time with some leaving and others growing closer. i can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by it all; the path i was once suppose to take and the other which i will soon pave myself. all i can hope for is the strength to continue and the courage to step past the hurdles that will eventually come my way.

a little thought for my j2 friends fighting A's and for the little lost ones like me out there:

p/s sam, if you're reading this, thanks for checking up on me. i sometimes read the past texts from you and feel encouraged by all your little words of wisdom. you may not know it, but to an extent, you're a light in my life. thank you.

honestly;

i've been neglecting this space more than i would like it,
this week has been a series of unexpected events, but i suppose i'm feeling a little more settled now and so i find myself here wanting to write about something, anything.

stumbled upon an old friend's blog recently, and i found this rather interesting:
http://amaliiaah.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/chasing-sunsets/
in a sense i'm really happy for her that she's found something strong for herself to believe in. remembering our tkg days together, she's always been a chinese sorta girl so this doesn't come as a surprise. but what really struck my heart was what she wrote of, something that i've always respected and admired.

i don't really know why i've decided to write about this so openly today, but i suppose in a way this week has allowed me to become honest with myself. not yet honest with anyone else, but at least now i can admit what is wrong and what i would actually like to know. after reading that i couldn't help but wonder why is it that i don't have that bravery to take that first step out to find out what's going on.

i know very well that it's no longer the same as it used to be, but what i no longer know is how you feel. perhaps the same goes for you, perhaps you don't really know where this is going either. or maybe you do, just that we haven't really had a chance to talk about this. it does sound like an endless guessing game doesn't it?

honestly it doesn't matter whether other people are happy together or happy not-together but what i do admire is the honesty and bravery that is shared. sometimes i really wished i was brave enough and honest enough to tell you how i feel. it would be nice to just talk to you, even if it was just to hear you say the most random stuff, i would just like to talk to you. but i just can't find the courage because i don't really know what it is anymore.

at times i find myself wondering about the way things are. i never knew till recently that there are a number who thinks that way of us. it was surprising, but foolishness on my part perhaps. i cannot deny that i've denied anything that everyone else says simply cause i don't really know how to react to their questions. sometimes the simpler thing to do is just to deny it all no? yet every time i deny something, i can't help but wonder if all this denial is slowly becoming true.

we both have our own battles to fight, that's the excuse i've been giving myself way too often. but now that i think about it, it really is such a terrible excuse for me to say. the days that i could have done something about this have been wasted with me brushing it all off as us being busy and what not.

i know that now is really not the time to sort out anything because there isn't much time left for either of us and we agreed long ago that studies above everything else. so till the time is right, all these shall once again be burried. but just today, i would like to be honest: i really do miss you, i just can't bring myself to say it. i will always have faith in you and i know you'll go on to do well in life cause there's something about you and your unwavering determination. and just so you know, no matter how much i seem to not care, it's pretty much still the same for me.

it's a big world out there; my legal.

hello (:
i know i haven't been blogging recently but i've been slightly caught up these days. it's been an honestly fantastic week and i've been suprised by so many people that i'm starting to wonder if i'm awake or dreaming. but i've checked, 45 days to promos. I'm awake.....

so, my parents are taking this whole "i'm legal thing" very seriously. they are truely more excited about this as compared to me and it's rather funny yet comforting to know. we headed to InterContinental for dinner last sun for pre-celebrations w my grandparents and cousins too. i was needless to say super happy cause i haven't had a proper social life in awhile and good food plus great company is always top on my favourite's list.

the one everyone is forever calling my boyfriend.

best sisters any girl could ever ask for <3

if you don't know me that well, i basically have a huge thing for food. really really big thing going on with it. lol. and the following shall prove my point of the good food i consumed:

what follows next is basically tons of photos. i could help it, there were many great and unforgettable moments.

#1: 12s417 girls distracted me with a ton of econs questions after pe then this:

surprise from the 12s417 girls (:

#2 on the actual night when my cousins came barging into my house UNANNOUNCED with a cake, their parents and my other aunt w her husband.

double surprise!!

comic genes. we all got it (:

Dad's birthday gift to me. should i say thoughtful? haha!

ice. cold. alcohol.
need i say more?

#3: lunch date with 11s girls after national day celebrations;
knew they were too busy to prepare but to my surprise...

forever bimbo; cherie

forever ACT blur; xinru

this one worst, forever act cute; gladys
HAHAHAHA!

honestly blessed to have met them in MJ.

#4: dinner on the same night and the BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE YEAR: tkg girls planning this and jolene lied and said it was just a catch up dinner with her alone.

whatsapp group just for this :')

warm banana desert!! (it was super good)

tkg: green is the way to go
yijia, jolene, risa, linhui.

make a wish!
p/s the dress is a gift from jolene. she has good taste (:

#5: bits and pieces of love;
from the 2 who came all the way down to my place (again unannounced) just to pass me this. :')

and lastly,

from everyone, with love.

i had honestly thought that this would be a quiet year, with my closest friends all heading towards prelims and A's and my family all caught up with work and their own hectic lives. yet to my greatest surprise, all those around me all made an effort to prepare something and go all out their way to surprise me.

looking back on this past few days, i don't really know what to say. all that has been done for me just makes me feel so utterly blessed that i can't seem to find the right words to express this grateful feeling. in this one year where i took my birthday the least seriously, everyone else bothered and made an effort. i got a long text from my best friend back in pri school and another one from my childhood buddy of 15 years whom i haven't heard from in the longest time.

i know its so dramatic and emotional, but when i see and receive all these gestures and well wishes, especially from the people whom i care most about, i can't help but tear a little. i don't really understand why these people are so nice to me, or what i've ever done to deserve such amazing family or friends. needless to say, there has been a lot of tearing these few days (:

someone once said that i tend to say thank you too often. the thing is, i have alot in life to be thankful for, that's why i always say it. i truely do mean it.

but what i'm most grateful to these people about, is them never giving up on me. it is honestly hard that we're operating on such different levels due to the fact that i'm doing j1 again. but in spite of this, we are all still close and they make time to see me, have a meal or simply ask how i'm doing. they always encourage me to never give up, to keep smiling like i do, and they never forget to tell me that they'll be there when i need them.

this birthday has been amazing, touching and surprising.
i wouldn't trade anything in the world for the people i have with me now and with my dad's one liner wish to me: "我的女儿现在十八岁了,长大了." everything just kinda feels a little different. i guess i'm no longer a kid and it's up to me from here on.

so there's to the best birthday i've had up till now, a big thank you to everyone who wished me and celebrated with me (:

17th swan song.

last day of being 17.
one of my longest and hardest year, yet also one with the most amazing and perfect memories.
i've met people that have changed my life
people whom i'm grateful for,
people whom i hope will stay in years to come.
though i still remember the people whom i've lost this past one year,
i sincerely hope that they are out there, somewhere doing well too.

so this is it huh.

my parents tell me: ''finally becoming an adult, your life ahead from now can only be decided by you"
18 most probably won't be any different from how 17 is now
but at least with this one more year of age,
i'm slowly discovering a greater purpose and meaning to the journey they call life.

goodbye, hello.

it's a little late, but hello August.

here we are, already into the 8th month of the year. they sure weren't kidding when they said this year would pass by in a flash. i thought it would go slower, or at least feel slower but honestly it feels that everything around me is seemingly happening faster than it did before.

do forgive my somewhat reflective mood tonight, it's like this every August. each year as i grow a year older in this month, i find myself falling into this reflective mood. it's a phrase and it does prove that old saying : "another year older, another year wiser" or perhaps in my case "another year being even more reflective"  O.o

so maroon 5's playing on my playlist tonight and i've spent about half an hour staring at the rain just now. i know that's pretty much a waste of time to some, but small things like that make me feel more at peace with myself i suppose. i'm a seriously awkward person sometimes.... but for those who know me, well it's pretty normal. (:

even with August here and promos down to about 50 odd days i find myself in a rather calm state and that is honestly quite shocking. i mean by now i would have expected myself to start freaking out constantly and what not. perhaps i'm feeling that way inside and that feeling is just waiting to explode in an eruption of hot mess. if possible let's try not to have another breakdown this year huh.

i've been reading up alot these nights. reading up on things that have changed my perspective and opinions on a certain issue and more importantly about myself. aside from recovering from being sick AGAIN, i've spent the past few nights attempting to "reform" myself to try to be a better person. (how weird does that sound? haha!) point being, i'm beginning to understand why things are they way they are now.

it's not really anyone's fault, but rather what we didn't do that made us the way we are today. i suppose along the way we got a little lost, a little hurt, a little disappointed and a little tired. so we all somehow stopped trying and this is the end result. in more than one way, i would like to keep believing and keep trying. or as the guys like to say it: "show some balls man". honestly, it's pretty applicable to various things in life.

i still believe in this : if you try, it'll eventually payoff. in some way or another it always will.

so whatever it may be: my studies, my relations, my aspirations, my life.
i'll keep working at it, i'll keep trying. and even if all the signs put me down and trip me over.
i won't ever give up.

so hello August, i'm ready to keep trying again.