such bittersweet nostalgia.

well hello.

tonight is not seemingly the right time for blogging, considering that my fridays are exceptionally long and tedious to even think about. tutorial for every subject i take tomorrow and it's a day for my consults, so i don't think i'm suppose to be here huh? can't help it, these writing inspirations and moods wait for no one, they come and they go. (about as temperamental as girls.)

so, recent updates: 

- had the longest talk with a girl friend of mine on sun. felt too good to just talk to her about everything and anything, laughing about even the most unfunny stuff. moments like these can never be replaced.

- took chem spa on wed. i thought it went really well actually (:

- headed to OCS on wed too, as part of the j1 field trip. it reminded me of something i once dreamed of (the dream might still happen, we'll never know)

Adam Lambert's playing now. his songs make me wanna dance, and i need that sort of jive to keep me through these long nights. time's a ticking and we're down to a month, every minute i spend now is basically building up and waiting, just waiting. long quiet nights with my books is what i'm aiming for. but this body of mine is refusing to cooperate and it's frustrating at times. ah well, everything is perfected with practice and a strong will, so i will reduce sleep time enough to max study time soon.

all these little anxieties build inside me sometimes. not sure if anyone can really understand this, it's called the repeat student woes. sometimes it's not that no one else tries to understand where we're coming from, it's just that other than our fellow comrades, no one else can fully feel all these emotions. the emotions you deal with yourself, the expectations that are thrusted upon you, the stakes you're risking, the frustration of situations, and at times we would feel like nothing is going our way.

it's the times like these when i find myself reading the blogs of my friends, essentially the 11s girls and seeing that it's about all same, all same with us all. irregardless of the fact that they are j2s and well i'm still here. we all feel like this battle we are fighting is tiring us out and we can only hang on for dear life while looking to the people we call our friends.

without them i most probably wouldn't make it till now. that's all that i can say, and all that there is to be said. strength truly does lie in numbers and perhaps knowing that this battle is not fought and cannot be fought alone is also comforting. sure, their battle and mine are world's apart, but what is at stake is pretty much the same: we don't have second chances anymore.

maybe this is why i've always still felt this connection to the people i've long left. we aren't that different, just that if i make it through, i will have one more year of this to go through x about 1000 times (around there) while they all head on to uni/NS. it's a one shot thing isn't it? now or never, do or die. 

life ahead is scary yet hopeful. not just this jc journey, but in general. the things that you may achieve, the things that you are capable of, it's all endless and up to you to reach for what you believe in. this mix of dread and curiosity can be so conflicting at times. and though some will argue that it's pointless to think so far ahead, but i like to do it at times. so that i know where i'm going still, or somewhat at least.

tomorrow's the last official school day for the j2s. it might have been for me too, but life has other plans in store for me so no rush, my time will come. tonight is bittersweet nostalgia all over. in this period of time with some leaving and others growing closer. i can't help but feel a little overwhelmed by it all; the path i was once suppose to take and the other which i will soon pave myself. all i can hope for is the strength to continue and the courage to step past the hurdles that will eventually come my way.

a little thought for my j2 friends fighting A's and for the little lost ones like me out there:

p/s sam, if you're reading this, thanks for checking up on me. i sometimes read the past texts from you and feel encouraged by all your little words of wisdom. you may not know it, but to an extent, you're a light in my life. thank you.