honestly;

i've been neglecting this space more than i would like it,
this week has been a series of unexpected events, but i suppose i'm feeling a little more settled now and so i find myself here wanting to write about something, anything.

stumbled upon an old friend's blog recently, and i found this rather interesting:
http://amaliiaah.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/chasing-sunsets/
in a sense i'm really happy for her that she's found something strong for herself to believe in. remembering our tkg days together, she's always been a chinese sorta girl so this doesn't come as a surprise. but what really struck my heart was what she wrote of, something that i've always respected and admired.

i don't really know why i've decided to write about this so openly today, but i suppose in a way this week has allowed me to become honest with myself. not yet honest with anyone else, but at least now i can admit what is wrong and what i would actually like to know. after reading that i couldn't help but wonder why is it that i don't have that bravery to take that first step out to find out what's going on.

i know very well that it's no longer the same as it used to be, but what i no longer know is how you feel. perhaps the same goes for you, perhaps you don't really know where this is going either. or maybe you do, just that we haven't really had a chance to talk about this. it does sound like an endless guessing game doesn't it?

honestly it doesn't matter whether other people are happy together or happy not-together but what i do admire is the honesty and bravery that is shared. sometimes i really wished i was brave enough and honest enough to tell you how i feel. it would be nice to just talk to you, even if it was just to hear you say the most random stuff, i would just like to talk to you. but i just can't find the courage because i don't really know what it is anymore.

at times i find myself wondering about the way things are. i never knew till recently that there are a number who thinks that way of us. it was surprising, but foolishness on my part perhaps. i cannot deny that i've denied anything that everyone else says simply cause i don't really know how to react to their questions. sometimes the simpler thing to do is just to deny it all no? yet every time i deny something, i can't help but wonder if all this denial is slowly becoming true.

we both have our own battles to fight, that's the excuse i've been giving myself way too often. but now that i think about it, it really is such a terrible excuse for me to say. the days that i could have done something about this have been wasted with me brushing it all off as us being busy and what not.

i know that now is really not the time to sort out anything because there isn't much time left for either of us and we agreed long ago that studies above everything else. so till the time is right, all these shall once again be burried. but just today, i would like to be honest: i really do miss you, i just can't bring myself to say it. i will always have faith in you and i know you'll go on to do well in life cause there's something about you and your unwavering determination. and just so you know, no matter how much i seem to not care, it's pretty much still the same for me.