Monday blues.

蕭敬騰 - 你

i can't remember when's the last time i've had Monday blues.

it's a chilly night as always, i hope everyone's fine out there on this cold night. Monday, monday, monday. i don't really know why but today's been sorta blue for me. i find it hard to concentrate today, pausing in between my math tutorial and sighing way too much. it's been awhile since i've been so distracted with a nagging feeling in my heart which i don't know the cause of.

i suppose it's just one of those days when you feel heavy hearted with no particularly good reason to justify and the feeling only gets worst when night falls. it's the 17th of Dec today, i suddenly feel like it's all going too fast. school seems to be starting soon and that's too fast, time's slipping away too fast, my friends are growing up and leaving too fast, and my life is slowly becoming a blur that i don't seem to recognise anymore.

sitting in front of my desktop and typing away on a keyboard that i haven't really touched since the beginning of 2011 when i first got my laptop. everything's a little nostalgic tonight, the air i breathe is cold and misty and my room is filled with the clicks my fingers make on the keyboard as i type away with  蕭敬騰's 你  (one of my fav songs) playing in my room. it's all a little unfamiliar, but maybe it's just me being weird tonight.

the world is ending in 4 days. (or so it's been predicted)

these nights i lie in bed wondering what will happen if it really ended. i know it's not gonna happen, but i like to think of " what if's" a lot. any close friend of mine will tell you that i have a huge tendency to over think everything in life. and so with that in mind, i often lie awake wondering if i died soon, what would be my biggest regret? who would i miss the most?

i think about the things that i haven't gotten a chance to do, about the people who mean something to me. i think about the words i've left unspoken in my heart and the sorry's i never got to say.

i've never really been one to regret in life, it's always been that way for me. no matter what i did or didn't do, i've never really regretted, for long at least. maybe it's cause i always tell myself that eventually i will learn something out of the good and wrong i've done so far. that at the end of everything i go through in life, there is always a lesson and i will always grow and mature from it all (hopefully in a better way). so, there's really no need for regrets right?

but lying in bed these nights, wondering what if i just died like that one day, i suddenly realise that i might actually regret. a lot of things and people really. life as a student is okay, it's sorta fulfilling and very essential for the future. but if it all just ended like that, it's not good enough for me. there's too many things that i want to accomplish. some of them big and other things super insignificant, but it matters not, i just want to be able to do them.

when i die, i hope i'll look back and be able to say that i've tried my best in life and that there really isn't much left for me to regret. that's all i hope for really, that i live my life as best as i possibly can.
i'm honestly looking forward to the end of A's, even though i haven't officially started j2 yet. i'm looking forward to my life after MJ because that's when i can start to live it better and maybe in a more fulfilling manner.

until that day comes, i will keep working hard towards the biggest hurdle ahead; my A levels. 11 months will go past in a flash, i just have to keep working at it.

Monday oh Monday, what is this feeling i'm having tonight?

i close my eyes and 蕭's song is still on repeat. but there's a heavy feeling in the air, making it almost hard to breathe.