Heard about the sudden passing of a friend's Grandfather.
And I thought about how lucky I am to have the people I love still alive, whether or not they are by my side.
Don't know why, but I had all these thoughts that I'm not quite sure how to pen... might be school's starting to get to me with all the midterms, projects, research paper and the other stuff on my mind... so I looked at the sky tonight, looking for the stars I always seek solace in, and remembered someone telling me once that some people believe:
"Stars are the people we love who are no longer with us.
Some where up there, they watch over us.
Always."
I've always found peace in the night, in the sky, in those stars.
Just like the sea; they remind me of freedom, of the possibilities that I have yet to know, and a certain fearlessness. When I look at them it's like troubles are forgotten and at that moment I always know that I will be fine, no matter what it is I'm dealing with.
Discovered her a few days back by accident and I just can't stop listening to her. Not to mention this is one of my fav songs (I prefer Kodaline's version to Disclosure ft. Sam Smith though, personal preference) But yeah, SHE IS GOOD
I'm finally done with the school week *pop some champagne PLS*
I know, I know: what school week exactly is there? It's just 2 days they say. But after an essay to rush, my research paper to brainstorm, the 2 exams I took today, plus the fact that I caught the flu bug w the crappy fever and all - THIS HAS BEEN A REALLY REALLY LONG 4 DAYS SINCE SAT. Glad to have a breather for a bit, even if it means I'm jumping straight back into the cray pit come next Monday.
CNY eve tomorrow and.... I have absolutely no cny mood this year. Might be cause I've been so caught up with school, work, tuition, Life. I haven't settled down to really process that another new year is coming. It's like I can still remember cny last year and all the stuff I had to deal w then....
Fast forward a year, and here I am, about to go back to see the relatives to answer the same set of questions. FAST. This is way too fast.
" Take it as it comes to you," they say. " Things will fall into their rightful place when the time is right."
Sitting here tonight, I've learnt not to rush some things in life.
They are the things that will only happen at the exact right timing
until then, I will learn patience, and I will learn to be more grateful for the little things.
I'm going to be honest, I don't have the guts to text you even though people say I should. There isn't really a reason for me to. What would I even say to you? Even so, it doesn't mean I don't remember.
Heard about the surprise, I know you're gonna love it. It was something I wanted to do for you before, but the chance never came. I'm glad your friends did though, surprises are always really nice.
The feeling of wanting to talk to someone normally, but not knowing what to say, or how to say it. It's a funny feeling this is. A little weird, foreign. I won't do it though, some lines I know better than to cross.
I've learnt to stay away because I know I have a soft spot for you
someone once so important, who still is today, but in a different manner perhaps.
It's a distant feeling, but I do still care.
Maybe that's why its hard: be it in the decisions I make towards the people I meet, or just trusting myself again
I thought back to all the things I did that period of time, whether or not for you. How weird and irrational I must have seemed to everyone. Is this why people say no one can ever be really rational when it comes to love?
But I guess given a choice it would still be the same way.
I most probably would have ended up doing the same things, I would still have wanted it to be you. Can't quite understand it myself, but that's what I would still choose I think. How odd that is.
I realised I've never gotten a chance to wish you a happy birthday in-person myself, and I may never as well. So for what it's worth I'll say it here:
Dear You, Happy Birthday.
May this new year be kind to you, and the people around you.
Thank you. For all that you've done, and the memories I have with you.
One day, you'll find the answers to the questions you sometimes still ask yourself.
Until then, and even when you've found those answers,
That time of the year again, couples everywhere and my girlfriends gushing about the dates they are going on. The things they will do. I smile when I hear them say it, it's nice, nice to see them excited. To know that someone makes them this excited, makes me smile, cause I know how that feels. To like someone so much you're always happy.
Another year on my own. I would say that this year, again, is my choice.
I've conditioned to being alone I think. I'm still comfortable this way and I much prefer fussing over my girls (& guys) than myself really.
Had a great last night/early this morning w my bacons as always, the #teamsingles had a nice movie gathering and supper while our golden couple went dating (hehehe they are so cute sometimes. please last long chrisy and zack)
And I headed out for a nice dinner with a friend tonight. I like how we both can't be bothered that it's vday, all the sayings of "dates" and things like that just don't apply to us and that is just a good feeling to talk my heart out to a person who oddly gets it. All of it. Whatever "it" may be.
Spent majority of the day spring cleaning my room this afternoon (because CNY) and I have too much notes and things lying around as well hahaha. I felt a slight satisfaction throwing out the stuff I've kept for the past 3 years: my JC life
I thought about the therapeutic aspect of throwing things away; the things that once meant something to you. The things that had a certain meaning but that Feeling is gone and all that's left is its physical husk. When you throw something like that away, it's like the full stop to a sentence. A proper closure to things that have long lost its original significance.
All these time, I've been too sentimental for my own good:
People, things, memories.
Some things I just got to let go of, but I always struggle to release them.
"I found that photo of us, the one that's in my daily diary.
The one with you hugging me from behind, us smiling so brightly into the camera
And it's like I heard you laughing again
the words we said, things we did.
Then I realised it's hard not to reminisce the good."
Happy Valentine's Day everyone.
No matter who you are, always know that you are loved by someone. Remind the ones you love how important they are to you cause you won't know when it might be the last time.
Knee deep in writing this essay, it's been way too long since I've properly constructed one.
Then again, I can't sleep.
"You're worth it."
I was thankful to hear those words.
Hearing them was a feeling I can't quite describe, a thing I myself am not too sure of:
perhaps it was really just a thankful feeling, that someone would say that to me
or maybe the surprise from forgetting what it feels like to have someone tell me that.
I find myself stuck these days; at a path I'm not sure I want to take
Am I ready for this?
It's in the unknown: it is to take a leap of Faith and to trust
Trust what exactly though?
I was once a hopeful, to end up a doubtful
Is this really something that only time will undo?
I wonder if anyone else knows too: how scary it is to try and trust others when you can't even trust yourself.
I've said before how, over time, some friends have grown to become my second family.
Siah is exactly one of those friends. I'm not quite sure when exactly it started happening, but the ease of talking to him is now comparable to that of Chrisy and Dawn.
He's changed a lot the past 5 months, matured a lot.
He still loves to joke around, talk nonsense and bug me endlessly HAHAHA but there's a sense of reliability in him now that wasn't so clearly seen before. In simple english, he's more of a man than a boy now.
Of all the things we've ever talked about in the last 1 over year, these words he said to me tonight, are most probably going to be the ones I will always remember. Such a simple analogy, yet applicable in so many aspects of life.
I am sometimes amazed at the words he (and the boys) say: Simple, direct, but all so very true.
