You.

Happy Birthday.

I'm going to be honest, I don't have the guts to text you even though people say I should. There isn't really a reason for me to. What would I even say to you? Even so, it doesn't mean I don't remember.

Heard about the surprise, I know you're gonna love it. It was something I wanted to do for you before, but the chance never came. I'm glad your friends did though, surprises are always really nice.

The feeling of wanting to talk to someone normally, but not knowing what to say, or how to say it. It's a funny feeling this is. A little weird, foreign. I won't do it though, some lines I know better than to cross.

I've learnt to stay away because I know I have a soft spot for you
someone once so important, who still is today, but in a different manner perhaps.
It's a distant feeling, but I do still care.
Maybe that's why its hard: be it in the decisions I make towards the people I meet, or just trusting myself again

I thought back to all the things I did that period of time, whether or not for you. How weird and irrational I must have seemed to everyone. Is this why people say no one can ever be really rational when it comes to love?

But I guess given a choice it would still be the same way.
I most probably would have ended up doing the same things, I would still have wanted it to be you. Can't quite understand it myself, but that's what I would still choose I think. How odd that is.

I realised I've never gotten a chance to wish you a happy birthday in-person myself, and I may never as well. So for what it's worth I'll say it here:

Dear You, Happy Birthday.

May this new year be kind to you, and the people around you. 

Thank you. For all that you've done, and the memories I have with you. 

One day, you'll find the answers to the questions you sometimes still ask yourself. 

Until then, and even when you've found those answers, 

always be happy.