26.06.15

Last paper for summer sem 1 today. It's all a done deal now: I'm half done with summer (6 weeks of crazy) Been really intense what with all the issues that's been going on in school, out of school work itself. I'll just be glad to survive this first half of summer heh.

Met my lovely dear Yijia for dinner tonight :) And she had to travel all the way back to central from the east, something I feel terrible about, but I'm glad she was with me tonight.

I saw him today, with her.

Didn't think I'll ever see him in the area, I mean, what are the chances right? Guess I was wrong. But perhaps what's even more wrong, or rather dumb, was how I reacted.

I saw him through the glass, walking towards the sliding mall doors I was about to enter. She was right next to him. And the only thing that came to my mind was: Shit. I needa get out of here.
Funny how my first response was to stop walking, in the middle of a crowd, turn around straight and head for the other entrance just next to the one we were about to enter, dragging jia all the way with me. haha. Dumb right?

Just in time so he didn't see me, so she didn't see me.
While I stood there, looking at them walk past me, thinking: why am I being so ridiculous. Why am I hiding? I guess I'm not sure how I would have reacted otherwise. If I hadn't spotted him, if I had walked straight into them, I most probably wouldn't have been able to, well....I don't know, react perhaps?

It's okay.
Everything's gonna be alright, just like Yijia said. Just like everyone used to tell me too. Just kinda glad I had her with me, being her usual weird self to distract me for a little bit haha.

Feeling really tired tonight, think it's the accumulation of the past school week, the last 3 days of intense studying and perhaps my less than 8 hours of sleep over the 3 days.... all the coincidences tonight, and someone just confessing something to me I didn't ever expect. mehh.

Gonna sleep off this fatigue.
everything always becomes clearer after sleep, Goodnight world.

Happiness.

"Did you ever care?"

Yeah I did. 

"Well then, why did you stop caring?"

I didn't stop caring, I just stopped letting it affect my entire being.

"Why not try again? Why give it up so easily? Does it/that person mean so little to you?"

Giving up isn't easy. Giving up is admitting that you tried and nothing is working, maybe you didn't try your hardest, yeah. But no one can keep trying if you keep hitting the same wall. Having tried then having to admit it was a failure, over and over again. 

Do you know how hard that is?

Giving up isn't always just for people who see no value in something/someone anymore. 

To some, it's turning your back on something that you've put effort into. 

And if that something meant something to you, how can that ever be easy?

I cared. 

I think I cared so much that I got tired of feeling like I was the only one who cared, like I was the only one still trying. It was the same feeling as back then when I tried making someone stay..... I cared so much that I almost forgot what it's like to be happy and happiness is something I don't want to compromise on anymore.

That's why I stopped caring so much: it just wasn't that worth it. 

Not anymore.

Perhaps this is a reminder,

To everyone, no matter who you are, under what circumstances or situation: Don't let people and things get in the way of you being happy. Please always try to choose your own Happiness. 

Don't take life too seriously: it's far too painful and tiring that way

Don't take people too seriously: not all are meant to stay

Don't take words too seriously: they hold no meaning till actions fill their place

Don't take emotions too seriously: for they can change, at any moment

And most importantly, 

Don't take yourself too seriously: things get bad, only to get better.
Everyday, everything, is all part of personal growth. Whether it's doing a little better in your exam, accomplishing a goal, running a little farther on a jog, having more conversations with the people that matter.... Just, Anything really. At the end, be content enough to look back and say "I'm glad I got this far, satisfied and thankful with everything I've done and the people I have with me."

People who read what I write must be thinking that I'm some super unhappy kid all the time or something hahaha. But just because I talk often about "putting my happiness first", doesn't mean I'm not happy with life. I am. I've just been needing a reminder a lot more often lately. I know this because I read it somewhere before: Happiness is not a destination. It is a mood, it is not permanent. It comes and goes. When you think about it, you realise how true this is. And since it is so, then actually we are all Happy people: just at different times.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm still learning about Happiness. 

(maybe in some way or another, everyone is learning too) 

I'm learning to place my family relations, friendships, that past relationship, my goals, worries, fears and whatever else not behind my own happiness. Dawn told me the other day that right now nothing in this world needs to matter more than my own Happiness. Perhaps she's right. 

I like it best when I'm happy too.

Because when you're happy, everything seems better. 

And at that moment, you know that nothing is greater than the feeling you have inside of you.

Relax, breathe, and be patient.

Sometimes, I realise I've become a person that needs everything to be perfect.

It's been that way since MJ, but more often than not ever since I've started Uni. I don't really know why too, I just feel like I have to make sure everything is in order: my life, my grades, my relationships with my family, my friendships, how people see me. Just everything.
And when things aren't going the way I had hoped they would, or when I'm failing to meet all these expectations I have, I start freaking out and stressing myself like crap.

It's really quite sad actually.

These past few weeks I keep asking myself: Why exactly do you live the way you do?
The last few months have been getting a lot worst for me. School work and all the little issues in my relations with different people have me finding myself stressing over things I can't control, things I can't change, things that aren't even my own problems to begin with??

And then I come to this point where I laugh at how ridiculous I am, trying to fit it all into this "ideal" situation/outcome/process I have in my mind, for whatever reason. It doesn't help that I've become absolutely terrible at expressing myself properly lately (haha) I don't quite know how to put my worries and fears into words to tell other people......so they end up kept inside me, in my thoughts every day.

Life isn't meant to be lived like that.

I can't keep stressing about the things that I can't change... I can't keep expecting stuff from myself and others because everyone is human, we aren't perfect. We don't read each other's minds: we'll never know what anyone else is thinking until they say it. I can't please everyone, and I can't help everyone, no matter how much I really wish I can.

I've got to stop drowning myself in my own fears and thoughts.

I was exactly like that 2 years ago, during Alevels, there were so many things on my mind... and I got so scared and frustrated that I couldn't even express myself to the one person I was suppose to be able to share everything with. He couldn't help me even if he wanted to, and I guess in the end.... I ended up frustrating him and driving him away with my actions.

Never again, do I want that to happen.
But it's almost as if, I can't stop this madness (it might as well be madness)

BREATHE
I just need to breathe and don't stress. Things don't have to be perfect, they weren't meant to be, not even close to "ideal". Who you are can't be, and isn't defined by all your worries, imperfections. What others think of you is not who you are. Find your own place, in your own time.

Everything is gonna be just fine, you're gonna be just fine.