It's been that way since MJ, but more often than not ever since I've started Uni. I don't really know why too, I just feel like I have to make sure everything is in order: my life, my grades, my relationships with my family, my friendships, how people see me. Just everything.
And when things aren't going the way I had hoped they would, or when I'm failing to meet all these expectations I have, I start freaking out and stressing myself like crap.
It's really quite sad actually.
These past few weeks I keep asking myself: Why exactly do you live the way you do?
The last few months have been getting a lot worst for me. School work and all the little issues in my relations with different people have me finding myself stressing over things I can't control, things I can't change, things that aren't even my own problems to begin with??
And then I come to this point where I laugh at how ridiculous I am, trying to fit it all into this "ideal" situation/outcome/process I have in my mind, for whatever reason. It doesn't help that I've become absolutely terrible at expressing myself properly lately (haha) I don't quite know how to put my worries and fears into words to tell other people......so they end up kept inside me, in my thoughts every day.
Life isn't meant to be lived like that.
I can't keep stressing about the things that I can't change... I can't keep expecting stuff from myself and others because everyone is human, we aren't perfect. We don't read each other's minds: we'll never know what anyone else is thinking until they say it. I can't please everyone, and I can't help everyone, no matter how much I really wish I can.
I've got to stop drowning myself in my own fears and thoughts.
I was exactly like that 2 years ago, during Alevels, there were so many things on my mind... and I got so scared and frustrated that I couldn't even express myself to the one person I was suppose to be able to share everything with. He couldn't help me even if he wanted to, and I guess in the end.... I ended up frustrating him and driving him away with my actions.
Never again, do I want that to happen.
But it's almost as if, I can't stop this madness (it might as well be madness)
BREATHE
I just need to breathe and don't stress. Things don't have to be perfect, they weren't meant to be, not even close to "ideal". Who you are can't be, and isn't defined by all your worries, imperfections. What others think of you is not who you are. Find your own place, in your own time.
Everything is gonna be just fine, you're gonna be just fine.
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