To New Beginnings.

I look retarded haha but TRYING to embrace Year 2 be like this

Tomorrow marks the first day of Uni year 2.
It's been a year since I've started on this journey. A year away from the conventional path that almost all my family and close friends have chosen; and what a year it's been.

Year 1 really went past like a flash. Everything and everyone seeming so oddly unfamiliar in a familiar way. (Sounds weird, I know hahha) Studying was familiar yet different: I knew how to study, it was the same as before. But the way it was taught, the way I was learning was all different and to be honest I embraced it. It's been fun. Real tiring and hectic with the tight deadlines, but learning's been fun. :)

The people were also in some ways similar and in some ways also distant. Different from the bacon familia for sure, and perhaps I've yet to find my place with them. But there have been a few kind souls that have made this one year easier, fun, memorable even. Lessons in friendship, in self-happiness were taught to me, and I guess I could say I've learnt a fair bit from them. Letting go of people have become easier - as I understand more each day that I can't please everyone, and what they do should have no hold over my own happiness. At the end the friendships that really matter will reveal themselves and people are seemingly always temporary: something I'm still learning.

A friend at work told me today: "You're sometimes overly optimistic. You're the kind of person who believes in the good of everyone and trusts them fully until the moment they betray you and that trust. That can be a disadvantage at times."

The funny thing is this girl is my exact opposite, she always doubts people till proven that they can be trusted. And here we both are: slowly finding ourselves becoming closer and better friends. She's one of the kind souls I've gotten to meet in school the last one year and as opposite as we are, I'm glad we got close cause she kinda balances me out. :) But yeah, she may be right about me and the way I view people: trust till they betray me. Yet I wouldn't do it any other way too. Always treat others with sincerity, the way you want to be treated, even if they don't treat you the same. At least that way I will always know that I haven't let my conscience down.

And suddenly I'm starting to feel nervous for year 2.
Like a little kid on the first day of school again haha. I wonder what this year will bring, how things will change. Tomorrow when I go back, what will they be like -  things change so often it's hard to keep track of who's what and what's exactly going on to be honest hahaha. A little apprehensive of the things that might happen, but I'm looking forward to going back to studying again (might be book obsessed, but I happen to like what I study so it's all good :))

People have asked me the same few questions, but my answers are still the same: I don't regret making that decision and giving up on that chance to go to a local Uni. I don't regret seeing all my best friends enjoy hall life and local uni life more than I did. I don't regret "shrinking" my "future opportunities" be it in work, in chances or in relations with people. I don't regret cause I listened to my heart to make this decision back then. So no matter how hard it can get, no matter what comes my way, I will keep going as I've always done.

And so here's hoping Year 2, with all it's challenges and people it brings, will be kind. (PLEASEEE)
I think I'm better prepared for them this time. I think. Haha

Loved.

I woke to my usual routine this morning.

Doing the usuals of having a good stretch while rolling in bed for about another 20 mins after I first open my eyes, switching off my airplane mode and letting all the notifications ring, looking out the window and taking in the silence of the day as everyone's at work/school and I'm just trying to treasure my short semester break. Everything is same old same old, the stuff I would do if I wake to an empty house on a typical weekday.

I got the same kind of messages and notifications too, from the same loving people. But today, not knowing why, I felt a little like crying as I scrolled through the messages. Every once in awhile I get messages that I take for granted. Perhaps cause I've grown used to the love I receive from these kind people, so much so that I forget: this isn't their job. They don't have to show me so much concern, they just choose to.

A message from my mum wishing me a good day, asking me to take my meals on time and telling me she loves me. A couple of messages from my good friends nagging at me to not sleep so late, to rmb to eat when I'm at work. Messages from Chrissy telling me about something random (she's like my informant) and then also nagging at me about things like taking care of my health etc hahaha she'll always ask me how I'm feeling if I happened to go to bed upset the night before. Dawny, even with her busy schedule will check in on me whenever she knows something is up.

I've grown used to all these.

So much so that I've taken them for granted from time to time. These people have loved me so well, even more than I love myself sometimes. These are the people who will buy me my cravings on a weekend morning cause they know I'm tired from school (mum and papa), they are the people who will answer 3.30am calls when I feel silly for my feelings and just need to talk, and sometimes even her boyfriend joins in to give me advice HAHA. The people who tell me no matter what time of night it may be, if I need her just call, she'll wake up for me. The people who deliver multiple dinners to me (bad communication LOL) when they visit me together at work just cause I didn't have any food. And then be dodos, only staying for 20 mins after all that travelling, refusing to let me send them home even though we all stay 5-10 mins away from each other. 

People have asked me why I'm still single after all these while, even after moving on. I've always said it's cause I haven't found the right one yet. This statement, I'm beginning to think, is a little of a lie. 

I admit I don't trust so well anymore, and so I've become wary of people. But there have been people, that have been so kind to me and accepting of my flaws and insecurities. And there's someone that made me want to be reliant again, something I haven't felt in the last 2 years. But at the end of the day, things happen and it doesn't work out. But being so loved by my family and friends - I think I've become okay with staying on my own for awhile.

So even when people who say they'll wait for me move on from me as fast as a snap of their fingers, even when I start to feel a little something for someone who doesn't feel the same way back, even when some friends turn out to be people just using me for their own interest: I know I will be okay. That my fear of being abandoned again won't haunt me for long, because I have people who will love me even if no one else does.

Realising all that this morning: how loved I am.

These people are the reason that I've been able to get through just about anything. They've supported all my unconventional decisions without question. I am who I am today because of the love I've received. 

And for that, I am grateful and thankful for the life I've been given.

Reliance.

Reliance is a scary thing.

What scares me most is how you can become reliant without fully comprehending it, and by then it might be too late. 

Haven't felt like this in so long, that sense of emptiness and a slight unwillingness when I turn my back on someone and walk away. That feeling that sinks your heart. I know what I'm walking away from, I know where I stand. 

But just because I know, doesn't make it any easier.

Old is Gold.

So my cousin texted me Happy Birthday yesterday and knowing my apprehension towards turning 21, he ended his really nice birthday message with the words: Young is good, but Old is Gold.
HAHAHA I've got to admit, that made me feel a little better.

Finally turned 21 yesterday and like some of my closest friends have told me: actually, there's no difference haha. I'm still me, my views are still the same. Nothing much has changed really. But I guess to my family a lot is different. 21 has always been a bigger a deal to the adults than to us kids (I AM STILL A KID, I DON'T CARE HAHAHA) So now comes the talk of life responsibilities, adulthood, getting myself a relationship and what not -  typical adult stuff yeah? Can I just say: I'm still not ready for all this serious talk. It's all happening as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly my parents, aunts and uncles are having all these conversations with me that has NEVER been mentioned before? LOL

But in the midst of all of that, I am much grateful for the love and well wishes from the different people in my life these last 2 weeks especially, with the birthday party last weekend then the celebrations and surprises this week. It's like I can never forget how lucky I am: because so many people give me reminders all the time <3

I know many people don't know the real me, and so there's a lot of speculations, talks and assumptions. I can't deny that there have been so many a times when all that have gotten to me and I second guess myself - happens to everyone I think. But then these kind people come along and tell me plainly put: "Those who don't know you well enough to say stuff like that can just shit off. They aren't worth your time. All that matters is that we know who you are, and we love you for that. Just keep being you." 

When I was turning 20, I kept telling myself I needed to remember to be thankful and to learn to let things go. When I was turning 21, I second guessed myself for a moment wondering if all that I had been doing for other people was right - and why was it that sometimes even my closest of friends and family still couldn't really understand me. Don't get me wrong, I know how loved I already am. I guess it was just one of those moments when you get selfish and wished for more. But then boobie reminded me: we are sometimes blinded by how much love is given to us, but just because it's not always visible, doesn't mean it ever disappears. The love they all have for me is always there, they just sometimes forget to show it. That same night someone told me: The thing I've realised is that there are times when we have to just say what we want. Other people can't guess what's on our minds. So help them a little by saying it.

Of course the moment has passed and those thoughts went as quickly as they came.
Thinking back it's quite silly of me to have such thoughts. A little at least haha. I guess I was feeling a little nervous of what being an adult was going to mean for me. Both of them are right though, and again proof that I'm blessed for having friends/family who will be there when I need them: regardless of when or where.

The me now is just kinda very clear that I need to start taking charge of my life -  to do things for myself because it makes me happy, and not to just please others. To know when some people/things are doing me more harm than good and when I need to let them go. The last few months have seen me become more of that, and I'm happy I'm finally not caring for others so much that I forget about myself #smallsteps

I'll still remember to be thankful and grateful for all the little things though, they are afterall, the things that got me this far in life. Think I might be slightly more ready for this whole "adulthood" thing now. Just gotta try my best and follow my heart I think :))