Loved.

I woke to my usual routine this morning.

Doing the usuals of having a good stretch while rolling in bed for about another 20 mins after I first open my eyes, switching off my airplane mode and letting all the notifications ring, looking out the window and taking in the silence of the day as everyone's at work/school and I'm just trying to treasure my short semester break. Everything is same old same old, the stuff I would do if I wake to an empty house on a typical weekday.

I got the same kind of messages and notifications too, from the same loving people. But today, not knowing why, I felt a little like crying as I scrolled through the messages. Every once in awhile I get messages that I take for granted. Perhaps cause I've grown used to the love I receive from these kind people, so much so that I forget: this isn't their job. They don't have to show me so much concern, they just choose to.

A message from my mum wishing me a good day, asking me to take my meals on time and telling me she loves me. A couple of messages from my good friends nagging at me to not sleep so late, to rmb to eat when I'm at work. Messages from Chrissy telling me about something random (she's like my informant) and then also nagging at me about things like taking care of my health etc hahaha she'll always ask me how I'm feeling if I happened to go to bed upset the night before. Dawny, even with her busy schedule will check in on me whenever she knows something is up.

I've grown used to all these.

So much so that I've taken them for granted from time to time. These people have loved me so well, even more than I love myself sometimes. These are the people who will buy me my cravings on a weekend morning cause they know I'm tired from school (mum and papa), they are the people who will answer 3.30am calls when I feel silly for my feelings and just need to talk, and sometimes even her boyfriend joins in to give me advice HAHA. The people who tell me no matter what time of night it may be, if I need her just call, she'll wake up for me. The people who deliver multiple dinners to me (bad communication LOL) when they visit me together at work just cause I didn't have any food. And then be dodos, only staying for 20 mins after all that travelling, refusing to let me send them home even though we all stay 5-10 mins away from each other. 

People have asked me why I'm still single after all these while, even after moving on. I've always said it's cause I haven't found the right one yet. This statement, I'm beginning to think, is a little of a lie. 

I admit I don't trust so well anymore, and so I've become wary of people. But there have been people, that have been so kind to me and accepting of my flaws and insecurities. And there's someone that made me want to be reliant again, something I haven't felt in the last 2 years. But at the end of the day, things happen and it doesn't work out. But being so loved by my family and friends - I think I've become okay with staying on my own for awhile.

So even when people who say they'll wait for me move on from me as fast as a snap of their fingers, even when I start to feel a little something for someone who doesn't feel the same way back, even when some friends turn out to be people just using me for their own interest: I know I will be okay. That my fear of being abandoned again won't haunt me for long, because I have people who will love me even if no one else does.

Realising all that this morning: how loved I am.

These people are the reason that I've been able to get through just about anything. They've supported all my unconventional decisions without question. I am who I am today because of the love I've received. 

And for that, I am grateful and thankful for the life I've been given.