One more time.

Some nights I wonder about the people whose hearts I've let down.
Especially of those who are important to me, the ones whom I selfishly can't let go of because they're friends who've become family. I keep them around me, even when I know it's difficult for both of us, but it's going to be even harder if I lose this person - we've been through too much.

Towards a person like that, "I'm Sorry" will never be enough. I know I'm selfish, what's worse is hoping that they'll be accepting of me wanting to keep the friendship. It's one of the hardest things, to keep the people you care about around you and still have to pretend to not care that much. And yet, I put people in such positions.

I am thankful, but also guilty.

Now and then I think about the people in my life in the last 2 over years. I think about how once or twice in the last 2 over years I've meet someone who momentarily stirred something in me. But at the end I'll always choose to let it die. I'll find a million reasons to not try, to avoid what I might be starting to feel. "It'll never work out anyways", "just a passing thing", "now isn't the right time", "why would he ever like me". The number of excuses I've given myself to stop myself from trying is really pretty astonishing.

And then I'll tell myself: When the time is right I'll let it happen again.

Truth is, that right moment I kept talking about actually has long passed.
I gave up on those moments. On the chances to even just give things a shot, to try. I'll sideline anyone who wants to introduce someone to me. I shunned most of the people whom I felt had interest in me.

I locked myself away from meeting new people, or giving anyone, even myself a chance at all. I can't even say for sure that I am capable of having feelings for anyone now. Cause I'm not so sure if I have the courage to do that anymore: To say that I like someone. All I am capable of saying now is most probably " saying I like you is a slight exaggeration, I don't think it's as strong as that." That's perhaps all I can bring myself to say. Pathetic, I know.

I'll admit it: I'm still scared as hell.
Scared of the idea of loving someone again.

And yeah, I know that shouldn't stop me. It's a lousy excuse to give just so I don't have to deal with any of my own emotions. Just for me to stay where I am comfortable. But the thing is, I wanna start trying. It's been tiring, shutting myself up and convincing myself that I don't have feelings (and failing terribly at it might I just say), that it's not going to work out so I just shouldn't try.

I want to have the courage again.
And this time, I'll try to be more hopeful than careful.