April 19th.

Coincidentally, the day my best friend was born.
But this reminder for April 19th, I believe, is something I need now more than ever.

I spent the day reading back what I've be writing about, the past months. From mid August, after my birthday till now.

I haven't really written much, maybe about 10 posts or so. The interesting thing is seeing my emotional change throughout the last 7 months - how I felt at different points that period.

Sometimes when you get busy with life you tend to forget the things that have happened. We only focus on the immediate things that excite us, hurt us or occupy our minds. Looking back now I start remembering things and feelings I had back then that I've forgotten and can I just say what a nice feeling this is to remember. It's essentially why I write.
I write to remember the good and the bad, how I'm feeling about things and people. It's my outlet when my brain gets too clouded, but also a vault to store the incidents and process of "growing up"

Reading back on the last 7 months, I've seen myself feel thankful, lonely, happy, exhausted, hurt, contended, apologetic, excited and also possibly having the courage to have feelings for another person again.
It has been an odd process really, reading all that emotion all at once. And also can I just say : WE GIRLS ARE SO EMOTIONAL MY GOODNESS hahaha (for the record I've always known and admitted that to everyone okay, just that reading what I've written the last 7 months is more so than ever)

We humans have a tendency of looking at things as a microscopic level. 
Everything has always been about now. How I feel now, what’s happening now, what I need to do now, the words people say now, the way people behave now. For me at least, I sometimes am like that - only focused on the now.

Funny thing is when I zoom out and look at everything in a bigger picture - how my life has spanned out this 7 months. Much has happened, even though I haven’t written all of it down, but reading some of it is bringing back memories that have slipped out the crevasses of my mind just because I was so occupied by other things.

These few weeks I’ve been occupied with the piling school work (it is mid semester, the crazy is about to come full force) and also the friendship and people that I thought I was losing.....maybe I really am losing them, who's to know? But I’ve just been too caught up that I’ve forgotten: I no longer allow myself to think that way anymore.

Just about 3 months or so back, I was just writing about how I’m quite proud that I’ve learnt to take things in my stride more. To let go of the people and things that do not belong to me, or no longer wish to be in my life. I celebrated that little milestone but then some stuff happened and I begin to doubt my stance in the eyes of people I called my friends. I began to doubt myself.

It doesn’t really matter anymore does it?

I mean, of course it’s significant to me. With one of these people being a friend I’ve invested so much into, someone I’ve really come to enjoy and appreciate having in my life for the last 1 year and 9 months. But our mutual friend told me the other day: “ Maybe your friendship no longer matters as much to that person, and maybe you’ll never ever know what went wrong. And you’ll just have to accept that.”

Can I just admit, how hard it is to?
To really just stop having a confidant that has been there for you. The advice and support that has been given throughout that period. This was the person that helped me properly get over my first heartbreak. The things we talked about, the stuff we shared about ourselves. I liked becoming closer. I was thankful it happened. But now, am I expected to just distance myself like it all never happened?

A few months back, I told myself positive thoughts only. And I intend to try my best to be that person that promised myself that.

If say our friendship no longer means anything to this friend of mine, I will respect that person and leave it as it is. I will not force it, I will not pester. But I will wonder, how my friend is doing. I will wonder if things are going smoothly. I’ll miss the random stuff we used to talk about, how close we were, the way it was so effortless between two such unlikely friends.

Most of all I think I’ll miss my friend.

So what exactly is the point of my long and endless rambling? (I'm sorry, please bear with me) I think I'm still trying to be able to "take things in my stride and let go of people". I may just have been able to do that with my past, but the "now" is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I'm writing this all, to remind myself everything's going to be alright.

That I can still occasionally, allow myself to feel hurt when a close friend no longer regards our friendship as the way it was.

Life will go on, for the both of us.
I will always be grateful that this friendship helped me heal and grew me into a better person
And I'll keep trying to salvage what I can, until the day I get so tired of trying.
Then I can say: "I've done my best"
and wholeheartedly accept that our friendship might just never be the same.