00:45

To be honest, it feels pretty constant.

Like a space you know you can't fill, no matter how much you try. That's what it's like when you lose a friend you've grown too used to having around.

"I've discovered a moment in my life where your absence was evident. 

I'm admitting that I can't do certain things without thinking about you,

 and who you are, and the memories we have."

03:26

It's the people you miss out of nowhere, in the middle of the day, when you're busy as crap in your hectic life, when you're in the middle of a laugh and you pause short, cause it hits you hard - even though it shouldn't.

Those are the people that made the difference.

In the words of another person, I'm most probably emo as fuck (pardon the language) hahaha. I promise I'm happy most of the time. All this "depressing talk" is just a side of me I no longer confide in other people anymore. Sad. But True. I realized no one really cares anyways, and even if they did, you'd unknowingly expect them to try and help you if they're your really really really close friends (because you'd do the same for them) and then when they don't, that's another round of disappointment to face. So, might as well just deal with it on my own.

For the most part, I end up here writing my heart and soul out - I'm sorry I sound depressing, again, I'm not haha. But I do need an outlet, to unload all my crappy emotions and demon thoughts. This place is that. Okay and also, maybe twitter.

I've been thinking (yeah, again, as usual haha) Honestly, I wonder why I give so much of a fuck to people who obviously don't. (Again, sorry, pardon the language. I suddenly am very in need to let out a few curses to get my point across and express my level of frustration with myself) Who are they, to have that great an effect on me?

Why?

I ask myself that all the time.

And the reason? I care too much, thinking my sincerity and friendship will be reciprocated.
Treat others the way you want to be treated right? Wrong. That only applies to other cases, of which it's teaching you to not be rude or mean or offensive to others. The reality is, I get overly attached, to people who seem so genuine (and maybe they were, but they decided not to be anymore) and then I keep giving. I don't know where to stop. CORRECTION: I do, I just still keep giving, and doing and reaching out to them.

Well, the result? I get majorly Fucked.
It's not their fault or responsibility. It's mine. I shouldn't trust people too much, we change. I shouldn't take things too hard, people grow apart and get left behind everyday. Everyone loses someone - even the people they thought they never would.

My problems are too petty in a world so filled with grief.

I'm getting tired of telling myself to: Fuck it and sua.
Also getting tired of reminding myself repeatedly to not care, not be concerned, not try or reach out. Not worry or lose sleep over things like that, not be sad about it, NOT TO CRY OVER IT. It's harder than it sounds (just like always)

Emotions should come with an off/on switch.
That would make life so much easier for me - for the most part I'd like keep them off.

01:19

" I think my greatest flaw is that

I care too much.

About things, and people."

Honestly, I wish I didn't care.

But it haunts me and I just can't snap out of it.

Some days life gets really overwhelming and tiring. 

Everything just seems to be going wrong all at once and you feel so so shitty and so so alone. 

When that happens, it's good to just let yourself cry. 

Cry really really hard. 

Cry without having to explain yourself. 

And sometimes if it's bad, you'll have to cry more than once. 

But however many times it takes, just let it all out

Until you're exhausted and then sleep all the frustration, stress and hurt away. 

Then when you wake up try and tell yourself to be positive: Everything's gonna be okay. 

You're gonna be okay. 

Because you're stronger than that. 

21:32

Just woke up and it feels like I've lost my sense of time.

I slept for 14 hours last night, woke up for 1.5 hours to see the doctor and I came home to sleep for another 4.5 hours. Sleeping so much it's crazy, but all I wanna do is sleep.

It's weird how when you're sick you have a tendency to cry a lot more. Mehh, is it a girl thing? It just sucks and I wanna keep sleeping till everything just goes away.

Dear Friend.

01:16am

I found the old conversations we had when I was searching through whatsapp's search box for a list of things someone told me about before. Out came a conversation between us from 7 months back and I opened it.

We are different now.
I mean, I have acknowledged that. Both to myself and other friends, our friends even, that things between us are no longer the same. But reading back to then, I really, really felt my heart ache. And what a sad feeling that was.

Dear Friend,
I'm trying hard everyday to accept things for the way they are now. I'm trying to get on with life even though I don't have the answers to the questions I want to ask you. I'm trying to just be satisfied with what's left between us.

Growing distant from people, I've realised, if it was a mutual thing is considered acceptable and understandable. Life happens and people grow apart as they grow older. But when only one party decides that what's there is no longer as important and distances themselves, then things become a little more complicated.

To be honest, I don't need the answers to my questions. Those questions aren't that important anyways: why we've become like that? did I do something wrong? It all doesn't matter unless knowing about them can bring us back to how we were. But then, looking at us now. I don't think it's possible.

It's awkward trying to hold a conversation with you even in the presence of our friends. I feel weird. A feeling as if I know you don't really wanna talk to me, but you are just trying to. And that weird feeling makes me feel weird trying to talk to you - and so I'd rather just not look at you so I don't have to try having a conversation.

How did it end up like that? From having endless things to talk about to finding it hard to hold a convo.  Fate is so funny........ We went from acquaintances who never even spoke a word to each other, to friends that talked non-stop, and now we are people who don't know how to continue on.

I figured this actually doesn't bother you at all. I know you're okay with how things are. I know that most probably, it's just me feeling this odd and somewhat ridiculous sense of loss. Maybe that's how important you are.

Dear Friend,

There's so much I've been wanting to tell you and to talk to you about, but it seems like it'll be dumb to tell you now cause you're most probably not interested anymore anyways. It's okay, I'll hold back the urge and I won't disturb you.

Just know that I miss you.
I really, really, really miss you. A lot.

April 19th.

Coincidentally, the day my best friend was born.
But this reminder for April 19th, I believe, is something I need now more than ever.

I spent the day reading back what I've be writing about, the past months. From mid August, after my birthday till now.

I haven't really written much, maybe about 10 posts or so. The interesting thing is seeing my emotional change throughout the last 7 months - how I felt at different points that period.

Sometimes when you get busy with life you tend to forget the things that have happened. We only focus on the immediate things that excite us, hurt us or occupy our minds. Looking back now I start remembering things and feelings I had back then that I've forgotten and can I just say what a nice feeling this is to remember. It's essentially why I write.
I write to remember the good and the bad, how I'm feeling about things and people. It's my outlet when my brain gets too clouded, but also a vault to store the incidents and process of "growing up"

Reading back on the last 7 months, I've seen myself feel thankful, lonely, happy, exhausted, hurt, contended, apologetic, excited and also possibly having the courage to have feelings for another person again.
It has been an odd process really, reading all that emotion all at once. And also can I just say : WE GIRLS ARE SO EMOTIONAL MY GOODNESS hahaha (for the record I've always known and admitted that to everyone okay, just that reading what I've written the last 7 months is more so than ever)

We humans have a tendency of looking at things as a microscopic level. 
Everything has always been about now. How I feel now, what’s happening now, what I need to do now, the words people say now, the way people behave now. For me at least, I sometimes am like that - only focused on the now.

Funny thing is when I zoom out and look at everything in a bigger picture - how my life has spanned out this 7 months. Much has happened, even though I haven’t written all of it down, but reading some of it is bringing back memories that have slipped out the crevasses of my mind just because I was so occupied by other things.

These few weeks I’ve been occupied with the piling school work (it is mid semester, the crazy is about to come full force) and also the friendship and people that I thought I was losing.....maybe I really am losing them, who's to know? But I’ve just been too caught up that I’ve forgotten: I no longer allow myself to think that way anymore.

Just about 3 months or so back, I was just writing about how I’m quite proud that I’ve learnt to take things in my stride more. To let go of the people and things that do not belong to me, or no longer wish to be in my life. I celebrated that little milestone but then some stuff happened and I begin to doubt my stance in the eyes of people I called my friends. I began to doubt myself.

It doesn’t really matter anymore does it?

I mean, of course it’s significant to me. With one of these people being a friend I’ve invested so much into, someone I’ve really come to enjoy and appreciate having in my life for the last 1 year and 9 months. But our mutual friend told me the other day: “ Maybe your friendship no longer matters as much to that person, and maybe you’ll never ever know what went wrong. And you’ll just have to accept that.”

Can I just admit, how hard it is to?
To really just stop having a confidant that has been there for you. The advice and support that has been given throughout that period. This was the person that helped me properly get over my first heartbreak. The things we talked about, the stuff we shared about ourselves. I liked becoming closer. I was thankful it happened. But now, am I expected to just distance myself like it all never happened?

A few months back, I told myself positive thoughts only. And I intend to try my best to be that person that promised myself that.

If say our friendship no longer means anything to this friend of mine, I will respect that person and leave it as it is. I will not force it, I will not pester. But I will wonder, how my friend is doing. I will wonder if things are going smoothly. I’ll miss the random stuff we used to talk about, how close we were, the way it was so effortless between two such unlikely friends.

Most of all I think I’ll miss my friend.

So what exactly is the point of my long and endless rambling? (I'm sorry, please bear with me) I think I'm still trying to be able to "take things in my stride and let go of people". I may just have been able to do that with my past, but the "now" is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I'm writing this all, to remind myself everything's going to be alright.

That I can still occasionally, allow myself to feel hurt when a close friend no longer regards our friendship as the way it was.

Life will go on, for the both of us.
I will always be grateful that this friendship helped me heal and grew me into a better person
And I'll keep trying to salvage what I can, until the day I get so tired of trying.
Then I can say: "I've done my best"
and wholeheartedly accept that our friendship might just never be the same.