perhaps we both need to remember what you once told me.

you realise that no matter how hard you tell yourself to brace up quickly, the hurt is still there and the disappointment won't go anywhere. you carry the weight of all those who look up to you, who believe in you and trust in you. sometimes it's too much to bear and when the time came to show what you got, you might have fallen short of what you yourself expected.

it happens sometimes, when we try but it's still not good enough. even when you fight hard you still can lose. perhaps it's not all your fault, but in your heart you can't help but feel like a let down and you can't help but feel that it's your fault.

no matter what other people tell you, even if they say it was never your fault to begin with and they don't hold you in any way responsible, your heart and your own expectations of yourself still nags at you. because you know that as the leader, you are responsible for making sure that they do well. whether anot it's stated in paper, the responsibility is yours. it may be a group/team effort, but you're leading them.

at the end of the day, the disappointed faces you see will cause you to question your capabilities. maybe you were never ment for the job in the first place? maybe it would have turned out different if you had done something else instead? maybe if it wasn't you in that position, the outcome wouldn't be this....?

your worst enemy now is not those who might doubt your abilities. your worst enemy now is the inner guilt you're feeling. guilt that you feel for falling short of what you expected of yourself and for the outcome that you're facing now. the struggle to try and not show how upset you are and to find the right words to comfort those who you think you've let down only makes it harder.

i know how all that feels. i'm feeling it now. the same way as how you think it's your fault, is the  exact way as how i know it's my fault.

and there lies the difference.
it isn't your fault cause you've always been there for them, you fought hard with them and did all you could. even if you turned it all back, i still believe you're the right person to do the job. your character will never allow you to put the blame on anyone else but yourself, so you feel guilt. but know that your conscience is clear, cause you never once stopped believing in them and what they could achive.

i'm different. i could have been there for them more, and so the undeniable truth is that today's outcome is entirely my fault. perhaps if it weren't for me, i would see smiles instead of disappointed faces. this is a guilt that i will carry with me for the rest of my life. i'm to blame, and no amount of apologies will ever make up for this regret of theirs.

this is what you said to me:
there is always something more important to focus on and it never just ends here.

you're right, it never just ends here.
so now it's my turn to tell you: lift your head high and don't blame yourself. i know you will feel the guilt and that you think it's all your doing, but trust me when i say it isn't. please don't forget what i once told you about being a leader. you have that spirit, and that alone is more than enough. and if it's any comfort, always know that i have faith in you.