mid autumn festival.

中秋节快乐.

it's that time of year again. where there are lanterns everywhere and the family gathers together over a meal, with mooncakes and chinese tea. this is really one of my favourite festivities cause everyone gets together and well, there's good food and fun.

this weekend has been spent with both my families. a ton of good food and laughter all around is a good summary for tonight and yesterday night. i love my family. i love them for every little thing they do and for all the joy and encouragement they give me.

i'm already an adult. but i'm honestly surprised to find that at this age, i still run around with the kids trying to blow out their candles and burst into random giggling fits because my uncle keeps attacking me with rubber bands and extinguishing the lanterns i've painstakingly lighted. traditions like mid autumn family dinners and lighting lanterns should never be forgotten because they are our foundations. without all these, we would have no history to speak of.

yet it's sad that as the years go by, the number of lanterns i see in the parks decreases and the sound of laughter of children playing with their musical lanterns and burning their paper ones become almost extinct. it's like our tradition is slowly being forgotten. perhaps it's just me, but i've always been a rather traditional person. some things to me, are forever and will never change regardless of my age or the era i'm in. this is one of those things.

i miss being a little kid during mid autumn's. (though technically i still act like one from time to time) but the little things we did as children, running wild and free (literally), screaming at your cousins to stop trying to attack you and put out the fire they started from dried leaves that might possibly burn something down. it was good times, it was great memories.

my family means the world to me. and i know that without them, i wouldn't be where i am now. seeing them all this weekend has done wonders for me. all my worries and anxious feelings about promos vanished in the short hours spent with them. 

tomorrow is my last paper. 

my last chance to make it right and i'm honestly freaking out because i've always had a panic attack in this paper and when that happens i always end up doing badly for it. it'll be over tomorrow but my feelings are so mixed that i can't decide if i'm happy that it's over or worried about the outcome. i've done what i could and all that's left now is to STAY CALM and believe in myself. I CAN DO THIS and i will do this.

regardless of which, i'm grateful to my family for the relief and laughter they've brought me this weekend. and for putting a smile on my constantly stressed out face (according to my beloved aunt). hopefully all of you out there managed to spend time with the people you love this mid autumn's and eat all the mooncake you've been craving. now it's time for me to head back to math and grab my last chance tomorrow. #icandothis

let it rain;

look out the window tonight and you'll see what i see.
taking a break from my revision for chem right now, though i really shouldn't. but 15 mins to look at the rain and write this down shouldn't hurt too much right?

i love rainy days.

watching the rain fall on my window pane

i love standing on the balcony feeling the little whips of cold air and droplets on my face.

the cold air that makes me wrap my cardi around me tighter

i love it when lightning streaks across the sky and lights it up. 

it's frightening, but it's beautiful all at the same time.

yet it's not all without fear. my greatest fear would be thunder, it's been that way since i was a kid.

how ironic is it that i love everything about rain except thunder?

with today over, i'm half way through my promos.
a mixture of many feelings while i'm revising chem tonight,
so many thoughts about how life is unfolding around me but i know what the focus is.
and that's tomorrow, that chem paper that i will attempt to conquer
the only thing that slows me down now is the beauty of this rain.
somehow the rain always puts me in a mood that i cannot explain.
it's that mood again.
and just as i sit here watching those droplets fall with the radio playing softly,
i find myself falling in love with the rain all over again.

this is it.

i'm in my pajama mood tonight.

been doing chem in my reindeer PJ's (do not judge me) their really rather cute but more importantly they are comfortable. i'm big on comfort during stressful periods. ah well, 1 day to promos, ain't no running away from this anymore. i most probably won't be around for awhile so i kinda need to unwind all these from my mind before going back to lit.

honestly, promos haven't even began and i see everyone looking forward to the plans that they've made for after promos. why is it that i'm not looking forward to it? or rather, i honestly haven't made any plans. though some stuff have popped up on the agenda. Mr lee's getting married on the 10th nov, and from the looks of it i'll most probably be going. Marr and Fi's 19th celebration on the 10th oct is something i'm looking forward too as well.

though promos are honestly better off coming late, the after promo plans do sound enticing. sigh, hang in there and get through this. i need to make it up to j2. i will make it.. i just have to.

i've probably mentioned this more than a gazillion times, but i do love my friends. the people who put everything aside to encourage me, or text me in the midst of prelims just to make sure i'm still sane and going. they've never given up on me, not even once. i've said that i don't know what i've done to deserve people like that. i still don't, but these people keep me going. because of them, even when i'm down and tired, frustrated and upset, i still manage a smile. though i've never given up hope, their presence has been more than encouraging to me. just like my own family, they've given me strength and i honestly can't ask for anything more than that.

i'm happy with what i have. the friends who care, teachers who help me and my family who has always believed in me regardless of the fact that i've been a huge disappointment to them in the past 2 years. i'm a blessed girl, i really am. so to whoever whose watching out for me, thank you for all that you've given me in life and thank you for letting me see that there's nothing more magical than treasuring the people around you and having your loved ones with you. 

this is finally it. 

the outcome of the rest of my life is about to happen. so please, if it's not too hard for me to ask for, please let me make it through. let me see that my 2 years haven't been in vain and give me the courage to prove to myself that it's all worth it. don't let me be a disappointment again. please.

old musings.

i miss the old songs that grew up with me.

their cheesy simple lyrics and voices that aren't autotuned.

walks home from school humming along to them

was life at it's simplest yet most fulfilling.

those are the songs that i will remember even 20 years from now

no matter where i am or what i'm doing, i know i'll still be able to sing those tunes.

perhaps there is comfort in once having such a childhood,

where worries were nominal and joy abundant

or rather, the ability to block out negativity and be happy was abundant.

as we grow up, things change a lot more.

we no longer see ourselves the same way we did before 

and the world which we once looked at through rose-tinted glasses loses that magical little spark.

growing up is a lot like discovering that the belief we had as kids,

of "all things having a happy ending" is really just a nice white lie.

though we've never given up on that thought in our hearts,

sometimes we just have to face up to the reality of it all.

in such times, old songs bring comfort.
they don't solve the problems that you face,

but like a security blanket, they provide you with the warmth to recharge and go again

as well as the comfort of knowing that even though we're all grown up, and this world is different from the one we imagined, good endings still do exist.

as the days become numbered, and fears become more vivid

weariness unknowingly becomes a habit.

dreams now are more often nightmares of the darkest things kept in the heart.

it seems like a futile struggle, but i must never give up though.

have a little more faith, stand a little taller and tell yourself to be stronger.

when all else fails, i turn to the old songs.

sometimes some friends are like those old songs

you can always count on them to give you that spark of hope and encouragement again

songs like that are classics and even with time and tide, they'll never be forgotten.

dear friend; tough times don't last, but tough people do.

as promised, a second one for today.
though this is a little more personal and to a close friend.

even though i tend to think of quite a number of things at once, this friend of mine comes to mind rather often because i have to admit, i'm guilty of being rather reliant on this person. he's been a great help throughout this 1 &1/2 years and at times i feel like i really would be lost without help from this person. my 11s girls are always there for me as well, but some things only he can understand without me having to say anything.

hello himbo. i don't know if you'll get a chance to see this, considering the circumstances.
but what i want to say to you will never fit into a text so i really would like to talk to you properly if we get the chance. for now, this will have to do. i know things right now aren't going well for you and it's so frustrating when you can't really say what it is that's been bothering you to anyone else, but stay positive alright?

i once told you i'm not really in the position to help you with what you're going through but i do understand what you are feeling and i'm sure you know that as well. regardless of what it is that's happening around you, block out all that negativity and focus on what you have to do yeah?

sometimes i look at you and i see the me last year. all those thoughts and frustrations, they aren't wrong. and with the situations we face, it's kinda hard to not feel that way but i would like you to know that it will get better eventually. even if it seems like we're in the pursuit for something pointless and the struggle gets tougher everyday, never give up okay? remember what you told me about not giving up and hang in there.

there isn't much of a race left for you to run and having come this far, it would be a shame to let it all go to waste. i believe you'll be fine. even when you end up in a huge mess, you always have a way of making the situation seem less severe and i've always admired that lighthearted attitude about you. just like you always tell me: "this isn't everything, so don't stress yourself out so much." that being said, you shouldn't always slack so much ah. i agree though. i know that this is really very important, but it's not everything. so the dream you had better not happen.

as for what happens behind close doors, remember that chinese quote i mentioned? keep that in mind and always believe that it will eventually work its way out. afterall, we can't all be the same in life and sometimes it's about seeing the good amongst the troubled times. even if it gets really bad, hang in there, bear with it and do remember this:

(:

and if it's not, you know where to find me.

always thankful.

found myself here unknowingly so i shall take a little time out of my revision schedule to write a little (: speaking of which, me taking a break at 5 plus in the afternoon from studying? i really should learn to get my priorities straight. though, i did finally manage to send out my lit essay after my dear laptop has decided to throw a tantrum and not work for the past 2 days... i have a feeling that it's going to crash on me soon.... i should really get it checked when i have more time.

so, it's exactly 13 days to promos.

my my, where has all the time gone? revision is getting along i suppose. can't help but have that worried feeling though, guess it's anxieties with the fact that if i don't do well this time round, i'm getting kicked out of school. yeap, you heard right. kicked out of school. so yeah, the pressure is definitely there even if people say it'll be fine.

i will have faith and keep going till my promos though. keep believing, and keep trying!

side tracking to my recent obsession over my second language, i've been tuning into the mandarin radio channels these nights too. i usually get enough of them in the car in the mornings and whenever we use the car actually (cause dad has a huge love for all the chinese songs and oldies) but i have this new theory and that is more listening = faster picking up of my language. this is an attempt to save my second language, so i'm really gonna try everything.

93.3 fm is keeping my company while i'm writing this now. listening to chinese while typing in english is rather interesting really. it's like absorbing info in chinese while trying to form thoughts in proper english. unfortunately another huge distraction in my writing process would be the issue of my phone seriously overheating...... i don't know why it's so hot?! it had better not explode on me soon.

somehow i have a feeling that i'm going to have a double update today. essentially cause there's some stuff that i would like to say to someone(s) that isn't gonna fit here nicely. but before i start on that, i've realised that there are a number of people who actually take the time to read what ever gibberish i write here. most of these people, i know are close friends of mine who check up on me via this. to these people, thank you for coming here and reading all these little insane things i write. thank you for calling to make sure i'm fine, texting just to tell me a joke/latest gossip and most importantly, for being part of my life. 

starry night.

i've been replaying this song on my playlist very often lately. got my chinese vibe on as i've recently realized my negligence towards my second language. though i speak the language everyday but my lack of writing has left me almost useless in penmanship (by my dad's standards anyways), so i've been writing certain stuff in chinese lately. hopefully all this effort will pay off in me gaining back all of my lost language.

this song is part of the movie soundtrack for starry starry night (it's a mandarin movie if you were wondering) i got a chance to watch that movie again recently and the feeling was really rather different from the first. i guess it was the surroundings and the people that made it different, but it's a really nice movie, so you should definitely watch it!

i would say that the first time i watched this movie, it was a rather surprising and yet oddly comforting moment with someone. i got to know a friend a lot better that day and nowadays when i look back to that very day, i realize how seriously clueless i was back then. the biggest irony would be that i'm always the one having to tell the girls how clueless they are about other stuff. whoever knew i would be the most guilty of this....

sometimes when this song plays on the radio or unexpectedly shuffles out on my playlist, i find myself having the need to stop whatever i'm doing at that moment and just hum along to it. the memories this song brings still makes me smile regardless of place or time. i've always felt that whenever a memory or person is associated with a song, everything about that song changes. it becomes more personal and it has a greater significance to the person.

i've also realized that i've just dedicated an entire post to this one song. and here i am talking about memories that no one else knows of and quietly listening to the past replay in my head again. this song has that effect on me, which until now i cannot really explain....oh well.

so much has changed since that day. but seeing that change is the only constant thing that happens regardless of any entity, it's expected i guess. change is not always a bad thing too right? one thing's for sure and that is even with all this change, i know that day will always remain in my memory because everything about it was truly magical. so no matter what happens in the future, i'll have that one memory i'll always treasure.

another night, another memory.

hello out there.

it's been a week since i've written in this space and feeling rather bad at that, so i've decided to write tonight even though the weather outside is practically telling me to go hide under my blanket and sleep.

truth be told, even if i wasn't writing tonight i would be doing math, which i fully intend to go back to after this. (: just came back from dinner with the mj seniors and oh man, haven't seen them since colosseum night but it's crazy how easy we all fit together. even my senior's seniors and i get along, i wonder if this really means i'm getting old. haha.

hearing them talk about Uni life which have recently started for most is rather funny. there you have the 9 of us, age 18-20 talking about life, school, work, poly. struggling with different everyday things, sharing our recent funny moments, talking about the past and planning our future together. i can't help but wish time would just stop for us and stay that way. i've always felt that no matter what, the company that you have is the most important. everything else is secondary because it really is the people who make it special and tonight is one good example.

i think of these girls and my j2 girls whenever i find myself suffocating where i am. the thing is there is comfort in knowing that i can return to them at the end of the day with no care in the world of what i become because they will always accept me for who i am. no judgement, no fakery, no lies. no wonder i miss them so much.

they will be there, they always will and that is comfort enough. i shall find ways to navigate this precarious terrain i'm walking on, conquer these obstacles and be alright. this war of minds is tiring, but i will not succumb to what others feel and think of me. i am who i am and i will stay true to that. my real friends will take me for who i am and accept all of it. at the end of it all, those are the people who truly matter.

enough of all that heart wrenching stuff though, its time to summarize my past week(s) in photos (:

half the crazed bunch.
had the best night today in the longest period of time.

our teachers' day gift to Ms Liyana.
hand drawn by Asyilah, she's super talented!

home-made muffins from dawn to show her love to us!! (:

a really nice person who bought me macroons just to bring more cheer into my life.

jalan raya-ing at ama's w my tkgirls <3

NIGHT festival! on sat.

so that's been my past 2 weeks or so really, plus alot of late night studying (to which there are no pictures to show for....)

speaking of which, all this late night mugging sessions are really messing up my complexion and even my dad's starting to take note. he actually looked at me over dinner one night and commented: "wah, why your 黑眼圈(dark eye cirlces) so bad?! what have you been doing? " to answer this question, basically i study till about 1 plus 2am every night and wake up at about 5 plus in the morning (on weekends) to continue again. on weekdays i let myself sleep more cause there's school (: and that makes me really happy (cheap thrills of about an hour more sleep)

that's about my cycle really. school, home, study, sleep then school again. 2 weeks and 4 days to promos. gotta do this right this time, whatever else can wait, shall wait and will wait. and now that i'm done , it's back to vectors 2 for me. (someone please tell me how exactly did i think this topic was easy last year ?!)