fond memories.

phuket beach;
a photo i took on my short getaway a few weeks ago

hello, it's me again.

it's a little earlier than usual, but i'm already in bed with the usual routine of good music, comfort and writing away. currently watching Adele @ the Royal Albert Concert Hall for the 5th or 6th time already (courtesy of my dear dad who decided to buy me her DVD when he was out) i find myself missing my parents tonight, which isn't normal of me, but we all have days like that. once again they aren't in sg which means that i'm alone again.

yesterday was spent with the 11s class at the chalet, and it was a crazy one indeed. i had my first sleepover :) because my parents didn't want me home even though they weren't around and so began a series of laughter, madness and outrageous moments. but i shall not mention it here, last night shall remain a secret for the 6-8 of us. i just have to say i do have some very very funny friends (when they are drunk).

seeing them after their A's is like seeing people who have left troubled days behind them. they look happy, relieved and thrilled that A's are truly over. i honestly do think that i'll be like this a year from now, and i'm looking forward to it but i'll have to survive this year first. that's a story for another day though.

seeing my friends yesterday, well, i don't know how to say what i felt exactly but it was definitely a night of highs and lows. there was so much laughter and ease, so many small conversations that made my night and encounters that changed some of my perspectives of these people who i've known for 2 years. but also my dear Cherie, once again we do love you with all our hearts so put a smile on that face of yours, everything will work it's way out eventually. if it doesn't, you still have us.

oh yes, i had my first proper conversation with Deon last night. i'm utterly happy that happened because after 2 years, i can finally say that i've broken ice with him and i'm happy to say that he's really a rather nice person to small talk with. i would also like to say a big thank you to Ryan and Desmond because they came back at 5.30am to clean up after the drunks (not me though, i was stone cold sober, just barely awake) seeing how tired i was, they actually told me to go sleep while they packed up the entire chalet with Wey Jieh. for that, i have to say: thank you guys, you are all real gentlemen :)

there's one last thing i would like to say though;

sometimes things change. we don't mean for it too, or maybe we subconsciously did but as i've always told myself; change is about the only constant. and so as much as change sometimes saddens me, i've learnt to take it in my stride and carry on with life. whether or not this change is permanent, whether or not we'll ever be the way we were, i take comfort that there was once great times, laughter and fond memories. i will always remember you as you are right now and i will remember us as the way we were. 

of blessings and joy.

sunflowers;
bright, bold, sunny, happy.

it's Monday already.

suddenly it seems that with school starting for me again, everything has about gone back to the way it was. time slips past me faster and faster as compared to when i was idle and waiting and the difference is really rather startling. but with my 1 week lectures done, it would seem that time management is going to be tested soon.

i had a conversation over lunch with nette the other day and the both of us were talking about how  the next one month is going to be. honestly we're rather worried about how we're gonna manage revising at least 1/2 the j1 work plus all the new j2 work. 1 month isn't a lot of time and with her travelling and me with other stuff, this one month is going to fly pass us. 

though it's not that we didn't expect this of j2 but preparing yourself for something mentally is very different from actually experiencing it. but we're still doing a little each day and hopefully all this work will amount to something when j2 officially starts.

that aside, i managed to have a little catch up sess with my 11s girls after their econs paper on tues. well, we're pretty much all the same, just overall relieved that this is coming to an end (for them at least) there's always something about the girls that make me both wanna laugh and cry with them. suppose that's what happens when you get attached to your friends and they become a part of you without anyone even realizing it.

and though i pray that Cherie will find a right answer to the problem she's facing now but in the end she has to choose herself. so han, if you're reading this, you know the 3 of us will be there for you regardless of your choice. just be happy yeah?

the past 1 week has been different (compared to the past 1 year that is) perhaps it's the things i've been doing or the people i'm once again seeing. it's shown me that i've changed in ways that i didn't even realise until someone pointed it out to me, it's shown me who are the friends that are important, it's taught me that people view me very differently as how i sometimes view myself (in a good way) and in a volunteer project i did on Sat i've really learnt that there's so many other meaningful things i can do in my free time.

to say that i'm barely being useful now is a rather big understatement but when a time comes where i'm not studying, then perhaps i'll find more time to give back to the right causes. there are so many people out there fighting for a good cause, and though i've known of them but perhaps never as much as in that 9 hours. sometimes we get so caught up in the life we're living that we forget there are other people out there with bigger problems than us. perhaps now i need to learn how to stop fussing over the small insignificant things and work for a better more meaningful cause.

and of the all the lessons i learnt that day, a sentence said by someone made the most impact:
"it's a blessing and joy to be able to help others as well, life isn't always only about ourselves."
it showed me how dedicated she was to her choice and i really respect that about her. 

oh and i managed to see Sam that day too.

hello sam (:

if you're reading this. i just wanna tell you how absolutely grateful and thankful i am for you. when i saw how happy you were for me, i was honestly a little stunned and i seriously had an urge to cry cause you were so ridiculously elated for me. you've really been someone who has taught me a lot even though we haven't spent much time together and though i know A's have taken it's toll on everyone, including you, but take heart that this is almost over. you're one of the bravest and strongest person i know, so all i would like to say is please always remain the way you are (: because who you are has helped so many people around you. thank you Sam <3

finding my way.

first day of lectures.

yeah, you read right. after another round with the vp, a conclusion has been made. i'm going up to j2 afterall. suppose one might think that i'm jumping for joy, overjoyed and absolutely thrilled that the worst is over? well not exactly. walking out of that office i wasn't really feeling overjoyed, suppose it was more of a feeling of partial relief. i say partial because this is only the beginning, and with him allowing me to advance only means that i have no time to sit around and be happy because i have much to work on if i'm going to excel next year.

sometimes i wonder if i expect too much of myself, but then i'll realise that i'm almost not expecting anything out of me. i know this might sound ridiculous and confusing to anyone else but it's crystal clear to me. i expect but i don't expect, confusing.

going back to school today was weird. feels like i haven't walked in those corridors in a really long time and i'm seeing both familiar faces and unfamiliar ones. almost every 5 mins, i see someone who asks me where i've been all these weeks and they tell me how much they've miss me. it's weird, really weird. i thought that i wouldn't be remembered by these people because i barely know some of them, and yet there they all are, saying they're happy to see me again and asking me for study dates and what not.

today really felt so foreign to me. those faces, those voices and the supposedly familiar surroundings that i've come to known all seemed like a dream that i had last night and not something that i've been living in for so long. i almost forgot that i've spent 2 years in this school, but the word here is almost, so some part of me still remembers what it's like being a student here.

i saw Eugenie today, and she looked ever so slightly relieved to see me in school. i shortened my past 1 month to her and found out from her that my 11s classmates have been asking about me too. i was really surprised at that because the same thing applies; i thought i would be forgotten. but i wasn't, and i'm both thankful for and heartened by the people who remember me.

the past 1 month has seen me planning for the worst and expecting the worst. i haven't had a good night's sleep in the longest time or truly enjoyed myself. i wasn't exactly scared of the outcome maybe cause i prepared myself for the worst possible outcome. it was more of the suspense that never really allowed me to relax and let go of all this anxiety.

but that said, even with me going up to j2, i'm not exactly relaxed. the vp is placing his trust in me and faith that i will do well at the end of it all (his words) and i know very well that it's a gamble on the school's part by letting me go up and take A's next year, even though my promo results were not super horrendous. (but for my own expectations, it might as well be that.) so of course i'm worried about how i'm going to live up to all these hopes placed on me.

but at the very least, i'm given the chance to try. and for that i'm thankful.

i also realised for the first time in a long time, that being hardworking and diligently paying attention in class pays off. because according to the vp, my teachers gave positive feedback on my daily performance and attitude in class as well as my attitude towards my work. they wrote really nice things about me, and they even wrote that they truly believe that i have the ability to do well.
again, i was rather taken aback by what they wrote because i never knew they had that much faith in me. still, i'm really grateful to have them place hopes on me even though i never seem to manage their expectations in the major papers. and now that i know this is how they really see me, i find it even more important to do well.

J2 is honestly a scary place to be.
it's a position where time is never enough, work is a plenty, tiredness is nothing but a habit and stress is like the vitamin you take everyday to keep you going.

but i know what i've chosen, and i know i won't regret this choice. it's taken me great pains to be where i am and since i've started it, i'm going to try my best to end it well and i know i have much to do to be on par with the kids who are performing so well. so here's to me working smarter (and not just harder) this time round. for as they always say: it's not where or how you start, it's how you finish.

p/s to anyone who has given me an encouragement or advice this past one over month, thank you so much. :)

larger than life.

i've been thinking a lot about the future lately. my future to be exact.

it's not that i don't think about it from time to time, it's just that i ponder about it more the past weeks. almost every time i write lately, it's with a thought that someone gave to me. these days, i've been rather open about listening to people's opinions about me and where i should take my life  maybe cause i find myself having A LOT of time on my hands to listen. or maybe it's because even with a vision of what i want to do in the future, i'm not so sure if it's right for me.

i don't really know if 18 year olds think about this the way i do (actually there most probably are quite a few) but i think about my future a lot. about my parents who i want to give a good life to because they've slogged so hard to raise me. i think about my grandparents and well, i think about my kids in the future. what i wanna be able to give to them; a good home, a good education, to have to ability to give them the best so that they can do better with their lives.

i think about myself too, what i will do in the years to come to make myself useful (in my terms), to work hard for my own keep and at some point in time, in the later part of my life, slow down and enjoy my life the way i want to. 

there's so much that we all want to do. everyone has their own dreams, things that they really want and they are willing to work their butts of to achieve it. i'm no different from those people, i have dreams too. big dreams in fact.

but these days i wonder if i dream too big.

there's so much i want to achieve in life, things that if i wrote down the list might end up being longer than 2 pages. someone said to me today: " it's not that you can't dream big, but you must have the capabilities to dream it." with that in mind and in lieu of my past 2 years, i wonder if perhaps i've been dreaming a little too big?

"if you can dream it you can achieve it"  - Walt Disney

i wonder if Disney's right. he most probably is right? i mean for him to come up with this, he must have done it in his own way. faced setbacks, struggled, fall flat on his face and somehow he managed to get back up again to achieve all that he has under that huge name of his: Disney.
so then, whose to say i can't have my dreams? i can dream big, i can live large in the future as long as i work for it right? it's just that i worry that working hard might not get me there anymore.

it has come to a point where i sometimes doubt even my most resolved beliefs.
and that scares me a little. because even when i doubt myself, i never let it linger for too long. in the end when it's the crucial moment, i still trust in myself to do well and to do the best that i can. but 2 years of not really achieving much has left me with this question for myself:

a year ago i set out to find myself, and i think in the past year i've done exactly that. i haven't excelled in it, but at least now i have a better idea of me(for a lack of a better word). i'm no longer a lost girl in life searching for a goal and a dream, i'm now a girl who instead wonders if she can be larger than life and achieve her dreams. that's sort of an improvement.

though with what i have now, that would seem like a very difficult thing to do indeed.
but i'll get there somehow. whatever it takes and whatever the road, i will accomplish the dreams i have for myself.

i guess that's it for now. if you were wondering, that call still hasn't come.
so i still don't really know what the next year of my life will be like. what i do know is that regardless of the outcome, the next one year is going to be the toughest yet. because i'll either be dealing w A's or dealing with a whole new environment. but whatever comes, i'll pull through. i know i will.

this song has been keeping me company these days, it really calms me down from all the anxiety lately and i'm beginning to fall in love with the band.

for the foxes - the river.

on another note, i'll be away for awhile. my parents think we all need a little break from this. it would seem like i always travel somewhere every time something drastic is about to happen in my life... when i return i guess i'll know where i belong, and so i shall wait all over again.

try.

i went out on my own today.

after being cooped up at home these past few days, with the exception of heading to school to settle stuff and occasional part-time work, it was surprisingly nice to walk around with the rainy feel in the air. 

somehow i found myself ending up in the library sitting in this particular chair for 4 hours. the exact same spot where my group did PW with me a year ago. how fast it's been, just like that a year's gone. to say that things are relatively the same would be a lie, but not much has changed either.

i really like the library sometimes. it's a little like a safe haven where it's so quiet and peaceful that you can get lost in time and your own thoughts, or just a good book. it's the one place you can be alone without actually being alone (if you get what i mean).

i walked home from tam library in the rain today. after being in the library for so long i couldn't tell if it was colder outdoors or indoors, but holding my umbrella and walking in the rain was a rather nice feeling for me. (very weird, i know) the puddles on the ground and light drizzle in the cold air around me, my feet in my sandals were soaked and my toes numb from the cold but i didn't really mind.

all around, the streets were empty of scurrying people, just cars driving by with people in them looking at me as if i was a weird girl who choose to walk in this rain when there were obviously other modes of transport (can't really blame them for thinking that way, i kinda am) 19:21 looked more like 22:21 because of the dark sky, yet i couldn't help but lift my umbrella up once in awhile to stare at the street lights. reason being, the rain drops looked so pretty under them. the same way they looked pretty falling onto puddles, creating small ripples.

i'm still waiting for that call.

i'm expecting it to come Mon, or Tues. eventually it will happen right? it would seem the longer i wait, the more i numb myself from reacting and the harder it is to really tell how much time has passed me by. i'm rather void of emotions lately, just feeling neutral all the time and if really ever a feeling, it's the feeling of being tired. perhaps a part of me has already accepted things as if i never stood a chance, maybe that's why i'm so neutral these days.

my CT gave me a very interesting view yesterday. 
she asked me plainly: what's your outlet sheryl?
to which i replied(after a long pause): writing(blogging), music, food.

she then proceeded to tell me that perhaps blogging was not a very good outlet after all. reason being that when we blog we tend to think of a certain issue more and instead of releasing or momentarily forgetting all the negative emotions we have, it boils in us and that obviously makes us worst.

i pondered over her words the whole day yesterday and i'm still not sure what to make of it. i've always thought that in a way blogging helped me balance things out a lot more. quite honestly, many a times i've found the answer to certain things when i write and so i've never thought that it would do me more harm than good. but i can see where she's coming from. the more i write, the more i think, and most probably the more it snowballs sometimes.

it seems that i am in need of a greater and more fulfilling outlet. one that, according to my ct, should allow me to not think about anything for awhile. a little like emptying the dustbin so that you can go back and deal with all the rubbish again later? i suppose i shall try to find one amongst the couple of things i have in mind.

regardless of which, she's given me valuable advice in every aspect thus far and i'm really thankful for all her help. such a remarkable and understanding teacher indeed. hopefully i'll get a chance to remain as her student. 2 days left, and the wait continues.

" But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try. "  

                              - pink.