finding my way.

first day of lectures.

yeah, you read right. after another round with the vp, a conclusion has been made. i'm going up to j2 afterall. suppose one might think that i'm jumping for joy, overjoyed and absolutely thrilled that the worst is over? well not exactly. walking out of that office i wasn't really feeling overjoyed, suppose it was more of a feeling of partial relief. i say partial because this is only the beginning, and with him allowing me to advance only means that i have no time to sit around and be happy because i have much to work on if i'm going to excel next year.

sometimes i wonder if i expect too much of myself, but then i'll realise that i'm almost not expecting anything out of me. i know this might sound ridiculous and confusing to anyone else but it's crystal clear to me. i expect but i don't expect, confusing.

going back to school today was weird. feels like i haven't walked in those corridors in a really long time and i'm seeing both familiar faces and unfamiliar ones. almost every 5 mins, i see someone who asks me where i've been all these weeks and they tell me how much they've miss me. it's weird, really weird. i thought that i wouldn't be remembered by these people because i barely know some of them, and yet there they all are, saying they're happy to see me again and asking me for study dates and what not.

today really felt so foreign to me. those faces, those voices and the supposedly familiar surroundings that i've come to known all seemed like a dream that i had last night and not something that i've been living in for so long. i almost forgot that i've spent 2 years in this school, but the word here is almost, so some part of me still remembers what it's like being a student here.

i saw Eugenie today, and she looked ever so slightly relieved to see me in school. i shortened my past 1 month to her and found out from her that my 11s classmates have been asking about me too. i was really surprised at that because the same thing applies; i thought i would be forgotten. but i wasn't, and i'm both thankful for and heartened by the people who remember me.

the past 1 month has seen me planning for the worst and expecting the worst. i haven't had a good night's sleep in the longest time or truly enjoyed myself. i wasn't exactly scared of the outcome maybe cause i prepared myself for the worst possible outcome. it was more of the suspense that never really allowed me to relax and let go of all this anxiety.

but that said, even with me going up to j2, i'm not exactly relaxed. the vp is placing his trust in me and faith that i will do well at the end of it all (his words) and i know very well that it's a gamble on the school's part by letting me go up and take A's next year, even though my promo results were not super horrendous. (but for my own expectations, it might as well be that.) so of course i'm worried about how i'm going to live up to all these hopes placed on me.

but at the very least, i'm given the chance to try. and for that i'm thankful.

i also realised for the first time in a long time, that being hardworking and diligently paying attention in class pays off. because according to the vp, my teachers gave positive feedback on my daily performance and attitude in class as well as my attitude towards my work. they wrote really nice things about me, and they even wrote that they truly believe that i have the ability to do well.
again, i was rather taken aback by what they wrote because i never knew they had that much faith in me. still, i'm really grateful to have them place hopes on me even though i never seem to manage their expectations in the major papers. and now that i know this is how they really see me, i find it even more important to do well.

J2 is honestly a scary place to be.
it's a position where time is never enough, work is a plenty, tiredness is nothing but a habit and stress is like the vitamin you take everyday to keep you going.

but i know what i've chosen, and i know i won't regret this choice. it's taken me great pains to be where i am and since i've started it, i'm going to try my best to end it well and i know i have much to do to be on par with the kids who are performing so well. so here's to me working smarter (and not just harder) this time round. for as they always say: it's not where or how you start, it's how you finish.

p/s to anyone who has given me an encouragement or advice this past one over month, thank you so much. :)