try.

i went out on my own today.

after being cooped up at home these past few days, with the exception of heading to school to settle stuff and occasional part-time work, it was surprisingly nice to walk around with the rainy feel in the air. 

somehow i found myself ending up in the library sitting in this particular chair for 4 hours. the exact same spot where my group did PW with me a year ago. how fast it's been, just like that a year's gone. to say that things are relatively the same would be a lie, but not much has changed either.

i really like the library sometimes. it's a little like a safe haven where it's so quiet and peaceful that you can get lost in time and your own thoughts, or just a good book. it's the one place you can be alone without actually being alone (if you get what i mean).

i walked home from tam library in the rain today. after being in the library for so long i couldn't tell if it was colder outdoors or indoors, but holding my umbrella and walking in the rain was a rather nice feeling for me. (very weird, i know) the puddles on the ground and light drizzle in the cold air around me, my feet in my sandals were soaked and my toes numb from the cold but i didn't really mind.

all around, the streets were empty of scurrying people, just cars driving by with people in them looking at me as if i was a weird girl who choose to walk in this rain when there were obviously other modes of transport (can't really blame them for thinking that way, i kinda am) 19:21 looked more like 22:21 because of the dark sky, yet i couldn't help but lift my umbrella up once in awhile to stare at the street lights. reason being, the rain drops looked so pretty under them. the same way they looked pretty falling onto puddles, creating small ripples.

i'm still waiting for that call.

i'm expecting it to come Mon, or Tues. eventually it will happen right? it would seem the longer i wait, the more i numb myself from reacting and the harder it is to really tell how much time has passed me by. i'm rather void of emotions lately, just feeling neutral all the time and if really ever a feeling, it's the feeling of being tired. perhaps a part of me has already accepted things as if i never stood a chance, maybe that's why i'm so neutral these days.

my CT gave me a very interesting view yesterday. 
she asked me plainly: what's your outlet sheryl?
to which i replied(after a long pause): writing(blogging), music, food.

she then proceeded to tell me that perhaps blogging was not a very good outlet after all. reason being that when we blog we tend to think of a certain issue more and instead of releasing or momentarily forgetting all the negative emotions we have, it boils in us and that obviously makes us worst.

i pondered over her words the whole day yesterday and i'm still not sure what to make of it. i've always thought that in a way blogging helped me balance things out a lot more. quite honestly, many a times i've found the answer to certain things when i write and so i've never thought that it would do me more harm than good. but i can see where she's coming from. the more i write, the more i think, and most probably the more it snowballs sometimes.

it seems that i am in need of a greater and more fulfilling outlet. one that, according to my ct, should allow me to not think about anything for awhile. a little like emptying the dustbin so that you can go back and deal with all the rubbish again later? i suppose i shall try to find one amongst the couple of things i have in mind.

regardless of which, she's given me valuable advice in every aspect thus far and i'm really thankful for all her help. such a remarkable and understanding teacher indeed. hopefully i'll get a chance to remain as her student. 2 days left, and the wait continues.

" But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try. "  

                              - pink.