last.

rainbow after every storm.

28th February.
it's the last day of the month and what a month it has been.
i haven't written in 2 weeks, things have been hectic
so much is different, so many people have changed.
it's all a little overwhelming, a little scary
and to be honest, after these past 4 weeks, i'm feeling a little lost and really tired.

everything now is in fast forward
everything but me.
each day weighs me down a little more and though i know i have to get it together and keep fighting
but i'm feeling more and more heavy-hearted each day.
i know this feeling will have to pass, but i just can't shake it off.
i know i have to move on and get on with life even as everyone and everything around me changes
but why is it getting harder and harder to detach myself from all of this?

i think about her from time to time,
even though i thought those 2 weeks was good enough to let those feelings mellow
but it wasn't.
i visited her at the memorial on Sat and i realised how much i missed her.
how gone she was, and i just couldn't help but feel the way i did weeks ago.
no one's quite over it yet but we all know eventually we have to move on
eventually everyone else will forget, even if we don't.
so all we can do is to live well
easier said than done though, easier said than done.

tomorrow's the start of a new month,
the A level results are coming out.
and my friends are finally gonna receive their results.
they've fought for so long and for so hard,
so i honestly hope that all their efforts will pay off.
should be me tomorrow as well, but my turn will come in due time.
so much on my mind tonight, so much to think about,
it's a pity that there's only one me to ponder it all.

aftermath.

it's raining again.

woke up from a 5 hour nap but i still feel tired. we go back to our normal lives tomorrow and i realise how much i suddenly wish i could ball up somewhere and hide. i don't want school to start, i don't want to go back, i just want to stay like this for awhile.

the aftermath of her passing is turning out to be harder than the first few days.

watching someone get cremated is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
you may be prepared, but it's never enough.
there was so much i wanted to write about her tonight, but i suddenly feel like i can't.

maybe tomorrow.

i'm just so tired right now, so very tired.

Always.

another after-rain photo.

Day 4.

spent the first half of the day at my grandma's in PJ's catching up with all the CNY homework. trying to do work in the midst of a funeral is really tough and distracting. how does anyone even concentrate?

i haven't gone home in days cause home is a little far from the wake so we stay over at grandma's. i'm honestly starting to miss my house but staying here has it's benefits too. at least none of us are alone and seeing we all take turns either staying up at the wake or over here, grandma's house is really one of the only places i'd rather be than home.

it's been raining so often the past 2 days, quite a reflection of the mood of all my family members. we still smile and laugh, we still tell jokes and do our own various stuff at the funeral, we eat almost every meal there together. it's honestly just like any other family gatherings, just over the loss of someone we love. suppose in the eyes of others we're very weird because the people who walk past the wake give us judging glances when we have oranges and angbaos, when we dressed up for the first day of new year and still smile and wish each other happy new year. suppose to them we don't look like a mourning family, we most probably don't even look like we are in grief. but the thing is this is what she wanted of us; for us to live as if she was still here.

i've been told that i need to write a short eulogy for her.
a eulogy that will be read at her service at the Mandai Crematorium tomorrow morning.
a one paragraph that best describes what she means to me, how i feel about her, our memories etc. i honestly have no idea where to start or how to start really. how do i sum up a person who has in her own way impacted the way i see things in life so greatly? how can i write a paragraph when honestly there's so much more to be said about her than just a few lines.

sometimes we take the words of those who say they are strong too literally. we forget that even if someone says that they are prepared for the worst, that they can let go and they are okay, deep inside they are still kids, they are still young. there is a limit to how strong we are in the face of losing someone for forever but we tend to forget about the pain of others because we ourselves are dealing with the loss.

 a night service was held for her church friends tonight.
everyone gathered to sing her favourite hymns and my uncle spoke his eulogy. we promised each other we wouldn't cry or at least i promised myself i wouldn't, but in the end we all did. hearing her from someone else's perspective reminds me that she's my uncle's wife, my cousins mum, my grandparents daughter, my dad's sister and then my aunt. it may be hard for me, but for those before me, it can only be worst.

her pastor came and spoke about her as a lady i knew all too familiar. from her character to her strength and her courage. everything that was said about my aunt were things that i already knew her for but hearing strangers speak of the one you love is finding out  exactly how much she has impacted the lives of the people around her just with her sheer determination to survive and live life well. i've always known she's an amazing person. i just never knew she was that amazing.

tomorrow there will no longer be a physical her there anymore and tomorrow we all go back home and start preparing for our usual lives: school, work, etc. we'll go back to the way things were as if there was never a CNY or anyone's passing. but deep down we all know that when we return to our own lives on Wed, we leave a part of us with her and in turn we keep a part of her with us in our hearts. Always.

the one we'll remember.

after every storm.

Day 2 and the eve of Chinese New Year.

Everyone's tired with the lack of sleep but there's 3 more days left for the funeral and stuff to settle after that. for the first time everyone in the family is gathered every day of the Chinese New Year and we spend the whole day and night together. under such circumstances, i'm not quite sure if i should consider it a blessing in disguise.

I went to the first funeral of my life yesterday.

i suppose all of us kids never realised how hard it was to hold a funeral, then again there was never a need for us to. i never knew that you had to make a police report when someone dies, how to have an obituary notice in the papers or the undertakers you have to call, various people to call, arrangements to be made. i never knew that there were so many things to settle after someone passes.

At a funeral you're suppose to serve peanuts, melon seed and red strings on a plate. At a funeral everyone who comes is seemingly obligated to give money and it's quite alot to keep track of. At a funeral you'll receive condolences, hugs, well wishes, flower arrangements. At a funeral it can sometimes be noisy and if not for the white tents and various other indications others might think you're having a party.

At a funeral you may be tired, but you can't find it in yourself to sleep because it just doesn't seem right. At the funeral you find yourself being another person; politely saying thank you to all all those who came, clearing the tables after the guests, offering comfort to people who cry when that's all you want to do as well. At a funeral you see people, a lot of people. everyone is different but their expressions and words are almost all the same.

It's been almost 40 hours since she left.
i woke up yesterday and today realising that life goes on. everyone you walk past on the streets have no idea what's going on in your life, they just see you with a quiet expression. but then again that's the way life has always been for everyone it's just that it becomes more jarring when things like that happen.

i do miss her even though it's only been a day. but like what everyone says and i know, she's gone to a better place. watching her in her last few days was just too painful but thankfully she went peacefully without much pain. i just want to remember her the way she was before this past 1 week, before her final few days. to be honest she looks happy and peaceful laying there as if she's sleeping, so different from how i remembered her when i saw her pass thurs night and somehow this image of her comforts me a little.

CNY this year is really different from the past with all of us not going for visiting. we suddenly realise that CNY without visiting or reunion dinners is just too quiet and also slightly ever so weird. but in spite of the situation, we're gonna have a reunion dinner here at the funeral because it's what she wanted: to have reunion dinner with us.

with every hour that passes, i find myself coming to better terms with the situation. the tears have more or less dried up and it's slightly easier to break the news of her passing. but i sometimes still wish it wasn't real, that i'll get another chance to hold her hand and talk to her and hear her tell us her super lame jokes when we get together. it'll never happen again but i'll remember those moments, i'll remember her smile, i'll remember her. i promise i'll try.

i'm honestly grateful to the few friends who know about this. thank you for offering to come to her funeral cause you girls know how much she means to me, thank you to those who cried with me, thank you guys for constantly telling me to get more rest in this period of time and to stay strong. and to the person who lent me a couch and spent more than an hour silently sitting next to me; i really appreciate having you there for that 1 hour plus, i felt a lot better having you next to me.

tomorrow's the first day of new year and as a family tradition, we usually gather before going visiting together. but this year is different, and maybe the years after will always be different just cause she's no longer with us. we're all happy she's gone to a better place though we honestly can't help but miss her but maybe a day will come when we are finally able to look back and truly be okay with it.

just a little more.

it's been a really long and tiring day.

too much that cannot be said except that i'm really grateful for the encouragement from the people around me. thank you for keeping her in all your prayers, thank you for making sure i'm okay. i just hope with all my heart that she has a little more time, that we all have a little more time.

sometimes all we really want, is for the people we love to have a little more time.

please.