the one we'll remember.

after every storm.

Day 2 and the eve of Chinese New Year.

Everyone's tired with the lack of sleep but there's 3 more days left for the funeral and stuff to settle after that. for the first time everyone in the family is gathered every day of the Chinese New Year and we spend the whole day and night together. under such circumstances, i'm not quite sure if i should consider it a blessing in disguise.

I went to the first funeral of my life yesterday.

i suppose all of us kids never realised how hard it was to hold a funeral, then again there was never a need for us to. i never knew that you had to make a police report when someone dies, how to have an obituary notice in the papers or the undertakers you have to call, various people to call, arrangements to be made. i never knew that there were so many things to settle after someone passes.

At a funeral you're suppose to serve peanuts, melon seed and red strings on a plate. At a funeral everyone who comes is seemingly obligated to give money and it's quite alot to keep track of. At a funeral you'll receive condolences, hugs, well wishes, flower arrangements. At a funeral it can sometimes be noisy and if not for the white tents and various other indications others might think you're having a party.

At a funeral you may be tired, but you can't find it in yourself to sleep because it just doesn't seem right. At the funeral you find yourself being another person; politely saying thank you to all all those who came, clearing the tables after the guests, offering comfort to people who cry when that's all you want to do as well. At a funeral you see people, a lot of people. everyone is different but their expressions and words are almost all the same.

It's been almost 40 hours since she left.
i woke up yesterday and today realising that life goes on. everyone you walk past on the streets have no idea what's going on in your life, they just see you with a quiet expression. but then again that's the way life has always been for everyone it's just that it becomes more jarring when things like that happen.

i do miss her even though it's only been a day. but like what everyone says and i know, she's gone to a better place. watching her in her last few days was just too painful but thankfully she went peacefully without much pain. i just want to remember her the way she was before this past 1 week, before her final few days. to be honest she looks happy and peaceful laying there as if she's sleeping, so different from how i remembered her when i saw her pass thurs night and somehow this image of her comforts me a little.

CNY this year is really different from the past with all of us not going for visiting. we suddenly realise that CNY without visiting or reunion dinners is just too quiet and also slightly ever so weird. but in spite of the situation, we're gonna have a reunion dinner here at the funeral because it's what she wanted: to have reunion dinner with us.

with every hour that passes, i find myself coming to better terms with the situation. the tears have more or less dried up and it's slightly easier to break the news of her passing. but i sometimes still wish it wasn't real, that i'll get another chance to hold her hand and talk to her and hear her tell us her super lame jokes when we get together. it'll never happen again but i'll remember those moments, i'll remember her smile, i'll remember her. i promise i'll try.

i'm honestly grateful to the few friends who know about this. thank you for offering to come to her funeral cause you girls know how much she means to me, thank you to those who cried with me, thank you guys for constantly telling me to get more rest in this period of time and to stay strong. and to the person who lent me a couch and spent more than an hour silently sitting next to me; i really appreciate having you there for that 1 hour plus, i felt a lot better having you next to me.

tomorrow's the first day of new year and as a family tradition, we usually gather before going visiting together. but this year is different, and maybe the years after will always be different just cause she's no longer with us. we're all happy she's gone to a better place though we honestly can't help but miss her but maybe a day will come when we are finally able to look back and truly be okay with it.