Always.

another after-rain photo.

Day 4.

spent the first half of the day at my grandma's in PJ's catching up with all the CNY homework. trying to do work in the midst of a funeral is really tough and distracting. how does anyone even concentrate?

i haven't gone home in days cause home is a little far from the wake so we stay over at grandma's. i'm honestly starting to miss my house but staying here has it's benefits too. at least none of us are alone and seeing we all take turns either staying up at the wake or over here, grandma's house is really one of the only places i'd rather be than home.

it's been raining so often the past 2 days, quite a reflection of the mood of all my family members. we still smile and laugh, we still tell jokes and do our own various stuff at the funeral, we eat almost every meal there together. it's honestly just like any other family gatherings, just over the loss of someone we love. suppose in the eyes of others we're very weird because the people who walk past the wake give us judging glances when we have oranges and angbaos, when we dressed up for the first day of new year and still smile and wish each other happy new year. suppose to them we don't look like a mourning family, we most probably don't even look like we are in grief. but the thing is this is what she wanted of us; for us to live as if she was still here.

i've been told that i need to write a short eulogy for her.
a eulogy that will be read at her service at the Mandai Crematorium tomorrow morning.
a one paragraph that best describes what she means to me, how i feel about her, our memories etc. i honestly have no idea where to start or how to start really. how do i sum up a person who has in her own way impacted the way i see things in life so greatly? how can i write a paragraph when honestly there's so much more to be said about her than just a few lines.

sometimes we take the words of those who say they are strong too literally. we forget that even if someone says that they are prepared for the worst, that they can let go and they are okay, deep inside they are still kids, they are still young. there is a limit to how strong we are in the face of losing someone for forever but we tend to forget about the pain of others because we ourselves are dealing with the loss.

 a night service was held for her church friends tonight.
everyone gathered to sing her favourite hymns and my uncle spoke his eulogy. we promised each other we wouldn't cry or at least i promised myself i wouldn't, but in the end we all did. hearing her from someone else's perspective reminds me that she's my uncle's wife, my cousins mum, my grandparents daughter, my dad's sister and then my aunt. it may be hard for me, but for those before me, it can only be worst.

her pastor came and spoke about her as a lady i knew all too familiar. from her character to her strength and her courage. everything that was said about my aunt were things that i already knew her for but hearing strangers speak of the one you love is finding out  exactly how much she has impacted the lives of the people around her just with her sheer determination to survive and live life well. i've always known she's an amazing person. i just never knew she was that amazing.

tomorrow there will no longer be a physical her there anymore and tomorrow we all go back home and start preparing for our usual lives: school, work, etc. we'll go back to the way things were as if there was never a CNY or anyone's passing. but deep down we all know that when we return to our own lives on Wed, we leave a part of us with her and in turn we keep a part of her with us in our hearts. Always.