Who I am.

spent the last 3.5 days catching up with all the people i haven't gotten a chance to meet up with in a really long time. with so much slacking and talking, it's almost surreal that i have to go back to school on Monday but I can't run away from it. at least the past few days has pretty much been a preview of "life after A's", according to the girls that is.

Honestly haven't felt so happy to see all my old friends in a really long time. it's like we're back to the old days, but everyone's now applying for Uni and talking about the next step in life. they all offer me the same advice though: " just keep going and you'll get past the year, we did. so you will too. "
spending time with all the different girls had me realizing how much we've all grown and changed in terms of mentality and maturity. with them all working and some dating our viewpoints towards things are quite different from when we were back in the classroom dealing with school work. one thing that hasn't changed would be that we still pretty much have a lot in common to talk about.

the past few days really opened up my eyes a lot.
because in almost every conversation i had with the different groups of people I learnt something about myself and about others that I hadn't had the time to see. I realized how everyone has that inner fear in them of how unknown their future seemed, even the strongest and most academically capable have those moments too, it's about how we overcome them that really matters.
I also found about some people whom I trusted with all honesty but they thought nothing of me except that I was attention seeking and dishonest. they thought that I was using someone else to get attention, that I was the kinda girl who went after a guy just cause he would bring me the attention.

after hearing all of that, I really wonder how many people have heard these stories and thought of them as true as well. but I guess what hurts the most is that the people who said these things about me, are people who I, at a certain point in time, really treated as a friend and that maybe that guy, maybe he thinks the exact same way of me.

the girls kept it from me because they didn't want me to be affected by all of this, and though I'm really grateful for their consideration  I can't help but feel that if I had known about this earlier, maybe I wouldn't have misplaced my trust in those people, maybe I would have been able to let things go sooner... but now that I have a better understanding of the truth, I'm actually really not bitter about those who said those things about me.

In a sense I told myself that what really matters is not what others say of me, it's that the people who are important know the truth. I'm not the kind of girl who goes after a guy just to get the attention, I'm not a girl who plays with other people's feelings. I realize that those people, they will never believe me. but I'm okay with it because my conscience is clear.

In life you'll meet people who dislike you for no reason, you'll meet people who go all out to make things difficult for you, people who on the appearance are your friends yet they talk bad about you and make up things about you. BUT you also meet genuine people. and these are the people who believe in you because they know you as a person and they trust your character more than what they hear. 

I wasn't always accurate in my judgement of a person's character, but in the past few weeks after learning so much about what I was blinded to, all the lies and the hypocrisy. I'm now truly grateful and thankful for the friends who believe in me and are supportive of me.

We can't always please everyone and some people just aren't worth our time.

Maybe my actions were inappropriate and that's why such things were said, but no matter what the one thing that i cannot seem to get over is that they took my feelings as a joke. In all honesty no one has the right to judge the feelings of others, no matter who you are or what the reason. No one has the right to do that. Of course that's my perspective alone and after this incident maybe I'll learn to see that not everyone around me has good intentions like I thought they did.

Xin ru told me that I've changed,
That I've grown up even more and that she's proud of the me now.
I honestly don't know how much I've grown in maturity or anything like that, but I do know that with this understanding of the things I couldn't see in the past, I've learnt more about myself. Maybe all that others said of me was one of the reasons we never had a chance, maybe it's because of other things that I still don't know about or maybe it was just me.

I guess it no longer really matters to You.
but I hope You at least know that I never had that intention.
Towards You, it was always real.
None of that really matters anymore though.... I know the truth now
and so maybe I can finally forgive myself, learn to let go and move on to life after You.

hold on.

Hold on a little tighter

cause the road ahead is full of bumps.
no one said it was going to be easy 

and we got a long, long journey ahead
but there will always be a glimmer of light along the way.

March 16.

Rihanna - California King Bed

haven't written in awhile and it feels a little like i'm losing my writing flair, but i'll try my best.

so, i've been alone at home alone again these few days.

mum and dad brought my grandparents overseas to try and get them in better spirits. it's been a month and 9 days, but i guess they still miss her every single day. it's understandable really. life at home alone is always so quiet. not that it's very noisy around with my parents around to begin with but at least mum would turn the tv on and dad would whistle around the house. now that it's just me, it's awfully quiet.

i go about with the daily life; studying for MBTs, school, tuition, sleep etc. but without them around the house i find myself doing the little things they would do when they're home: water the plants, iron some clothes, vacuum the floor, tidy up the house, all the things i would usually be too lazy to do. i guess i miss my parents, which is weird cause i usually never miss them. 

to be honest, as much as i like having the space to do as i please, i really do hate sleeping alone in an empty house at night.... so much that i've acquired the habit of leaving the hallway light on when i sleep. it just doesn't feel right, this house is too big for just me.

then again, i've been too preoccupied with revision to really let the emptiness bother me. speaking of which, revision for MBTs.... well, that is another issue huh. truth be told i tend to want to sleep whenever i get the chance to now cause i really am that tired lately. at the rate i'm going i'll never be ready for MBTs in time... how now brown cow? 

everyone's struggling.
even the more academically inclined people i know struggle to keep up with finishing school work lately. i know it's not a good thing, but i'm a little relieved to know that everyone's struggling. at least it's not just me right? but still, it's a lousy excuse. i just hope MBTs will be better than what i think it's gonna be. GP this coming Monday and even miss liyana said it's out to do us in. well now, we'll just have to see how this will all play out.

March 16th.

i started out with a thought that this year would pass by really quickly, that though it would be difficult, there will always be a way out. someone told me at the beginning of the year that i would be surprised at how slowly the year would seem to go by, especially given all the "breaks". a part of me had hoped that he would be right, but here we are, half way done with March. i guess i was right about the first part, i sure hope i'm right about the second part too though.

Losing battle.

7th March 2013.
it's been exactly a month.

since the night she left and everything that followed after, it's been a month.
what a long yet fast month it's been.
every day i live as if i still have many tomorrows ahead of me and all the time in the world to work my way slowly but as each day passes, i realise that all that "time" i've invented is nothing but in my head. there really isn't much time left.

today has been by far the worst day of 2013.
Miss Lai gave the J2s the biggest scolding i've ever had to endure in MJ the past 3 years. it lasted for almost 40 mins but sitting there felt a lot more like eternity. that plus the horrid chem lecture test we took, the econs lecture test that got postponed due to us getting scolded and a lot of other stuff. it's really been an emotionally draining day.

i guess no one can understand the way most J2s felt today, not unless you were there throughout the process. to be very honest, what Miss Lai said made a lot of sense. everything she said did. but the more i sat there hearing her lecture us, the more despair i felt and i got more frustrated with myself.

being in J2 is really just over whelming.
there's so much to do and so little time to do it all. expectations are high but everyone seems to think that we are all super humans who are not only really efficient, but we can multi-task; juggle everything we have in life from school work to CCA to revision and personal lives, do extra work outside of what is expected of us and still perform well. The truth is, WE'RE NOT. BUT the funny thing is, that's exactly what's expected of a J2 student isn't it? it's what we "signed up" for when we decided to take the JC route.

no, i'm not lamenting that life is unfair this way or that way too much is expected of us. i know it's our job, i know that no matter how tough it gets this year, we just have to suck it up and keep on going till we get past A-levels.
it's just that, to be very honest, i never ever ever imagined that it would be like this. that i would begin to consistently doubt my decision to stay was a wrong choice i had made.

up till now i've just forced myself to keep on going. to not think about it, not worry about how much i seem to be struggling. i kept telling myself that this is normal, it's okay to struggle and to not cope. Even Miss Liyana said so herself to us today. But all these just slowly seem like excuses for my lack of competence. it's no longer about how much effort i put it, it's becoming more of how much ability i really have.

ever since i've started J2, i've become seriously pessimistic about myself.
it's no longer just the fear of not doing well, it's the fear of not having the ability to do well anymore.
it's just like what everyone says: "not everyone is suited for the JC system"
what if i'm really not suited? i've spent 3 years here, that's a little too long to realise that you're not suited for something right?

Everyday since school started, i've struggled with the inner me that's been telling me i'm not good enough for this journey.
Everyday i try and fight a little harder, but everyday i get a lot more weary.
Everyday i go to sleep telling myself i'll get through this, that i'm not alone,
but Every single day i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.

it's March now, ONLY March.
there's 9 more months i have to endure and i know that it will only get tougher in the months ahead....
but for the first time ever,
i'm so low in morale that i'm almost close to saying that i want to give up.

For the first time.

so the A-level results came out today.

i'm really happy for the friends and family who did well, they really deserve it! as for the friends who didn't get what you wanted, i honestly hope you never give up hope. it's not going to be easy, you might have a lot to deal with, decisions to make but you'll get through it eventually and there will always, always be a way.

it's not the first time i'm watching the results being given out, but somehow today was a lot more personal than i had expected. guess it's cause almost all my closest friends and family were taking their results today, i dare say i was more nervous than half of my friends which is pretty much ironic considering my position.

watching them today was a lot harder than i thought it would be. it's pretty much a good reminder that you're a year behind, and of the fact that all your friends are moving on to bigger things in life. yeah, they're still your best/close friends but they're moving on and you're still here waiting for the exact same thing to happen to you 1 year from now.

i got scared today, really scared for once. scared for them, but more so for myself. after watching everything i seriously do worry for me. i know the purpose of seeing the J3s get their results is suppose to be a sort of a motivation to wanna do well, and to work hard. but is it weird if i say that after seeing them all i can feel is how terrible it would be if i don't make it, if i end up with U's on the cert.

Somehow i don't feel motivated, i feel scared. And this fear, it doesn't motivate me, it just makes me feel really lost and frustrated with myself. For the first time in these past 3 years, i wonder if i did the right thing staying.

i'm not setting high goals. just small ones, a little at a time in fact. but the more i look at it, the more worried i get. i'm not sure if i'll get there in the end or if me being so stubbornly fixed on what i believe i can achieve these past 3 years will get me anywhere near there. sheer determination alone doesn't work, not always. and i saw that clearly today.

i know that there will be "options" regardless of how i end up a year from now, i know that. but knowing it doesn't mean i'm going to fine with getting any kind of results a year from now.

at the very least i would like to do well for me, or for my family and whoever else whose is kind enough to believe in me. 

i did the math properly today, what it would take for me to get that 80 points i would like to have. and of all the possible outcomes of grades i could think of, the only thought in my head was: even if i give it my all, i may not even get close to achieving this. 

when that happens and if that happens, what then?

everyone tells me one step at a time, that i still have so much time to make a difference. 

yeah, i do have time to make a difference but has anyone ever wondered what if at the end my difference is so insignificant that it wouldn't even matter...

they all say i think too much, that i think too far. 

but when you've repeated a year, fought against everything to believe that you choose right and be lucky enough to have people give you second chances, all this worry doesn't seem so absurd anymore does it?