For the first time.

so the A-level results came out today.

i'm really happy for the friends and family who did well, they really deserve it! as for the friends who didn't get what you wanted, i honestly hope you never give up hope. it's not going to be easy, you might have a lot to deal with, decisions to make but you'll get through it eventually and there will always, always be a way.

it's not the first time i'm watching the results being given out, but somehow today was a lot more personal than i had expected. guess it's cause almost all my closest friends and family were taking their results today, i dare say i was more nervous than half of my friends which is pretty much ironic considering my position.

watching them today was a lot harder than i thought it would be. it's pretty much a good reminder that you're a year behind, and of the fact that all your friends are moving on to bigger things in life. yeah, they're still your best/close friends but they're moving on and you're still here waiting for the exact same thing to happen to you 1 year from now.

i got scared today, really scared for once. scared for them, but more so for myself. after watching everything i seriously do worry for me. i know the purpose of seeing the J3s get their results is suppose to be a sort of a motivation to wanna do well, and to work hard. but is it weird if i say that after seeing them all i can feel is how terrible it would be if i don't make it, if i end up with U's on the cert.

Somehow i don't feel motivated, i feel scared. And this fear, it doesn't motivate me, it just makes me feel really lost and frustrated with myself. For the first time in these past 3 years, i wonder if i did the right thing staying.

i'm not setting high goals. just small ones, a little at a time in fact. but the more i look at it, the more worried i get. i'm not sure if i'll get there in the end or if me being so stubbornly fixed on what i believe i can achieve these past 3 years will get me anywhere near there. sheer determination alone doesn't work, not always. and i saw that clearly today.

i know that there will be "options" regardless of how i end up a year from now, i know that. but knowing it doesn't mean i'm going to fine with getting any kind of results a year from now.

at the very least i would like to do well for me, or for my family and whoever else whose is kind enough to believe in me. 

i did the math properly today, what it would take for me to get that 80 points i would like to have. and of all the possible outcomes of grades i could think of, the only thought in my head was: even if i give it my all, i may not even get close to achieving this. 

when that happens and if that happens, what then?

everyone tells me one step at a time, that i still have so much time to make a difference. 

yeah, i do have time to make a difference but has anyone ever wondered what if at the end my difference is so insignificant that it wouldn't even matter...

they all say i think too much, that i think too far. 

but when you've repeated a year, fought against everything to believe that you choose right and be lucky enough to have people give you second chances, all this worry doesn't seem so absurd anymore does it?