spent the last 3.5 days catching up with all the people i haven't gotten a chance to meet up with in a really long time. with so much slacking and talking, it's almost surreal that i have to go back to school on Monday but I can't run away from it. at least the past few days has pretty much been a preview of "life after A's", according to the girls that is.
Honestly haven't felt so happy to see all my old friends in a really long time. it's like we're back to the old days, but everyone's now applying for Uni and talking about the next step in life. they all offer me the same advice though: " just keep going and you'll get past the year, we did. so you will too. "
spending time with all the different girls had me realizing how much we've all grown and changed in terms of mentality and maturity. with them all working and some dating our viewpoints towards things are quite different from when we were back in the classroom dealing with school work. one thing that hasn't changed would be that we still pretty much have a lot in common to talk about.
the past few days really opened up my eyes a lot.
because in almost every conversation i had with the different groups of people I learnt something about myself and about others that I hadn't had the time to see. I realized how everyone has that inner fear in them of how unknown their future seemed, even the strongest and most academically capable have those moments too, it's about how we overcome them that really matters.
I also found about some people whom I trusted with all honesty but they thought nothing of me except that I was attention seeking and dishonest. they thought that I was using someone else to get attention, that I was the kinda girl who went after a guy just cause he would bring me the attention.
after hearing all of that, I really wonder how many people have heard these stories and thought of them as true as well. but I guess what hurts the most is that the people who said these things about me, are people who I, at a certain point in time, really treated as a friend and that maybe that guy, maybe he thinks the exact same way of me.
the girls kept it from me because they didn't want me to be affected by all of this, and though I'm really grateful for their consideration I can't help but feel that if I had known about this earlier, maybe I wouldn't have misplaced my trust in those people, maybe I would have been able to let things go sooner... but now that I have a better understanding of the truth, I'm actually really not bitter about those who said those things about me.
In a sense I told myself that what really matters is not what others say of me, it's that the people who are important know the truth. I'm not the kind of girl who goes after a guy just to get the attention, I'm not a girl who plays with other people's feelings. I realize that those people, they will never believe me. but I'm okay with it because my conscience is clear.
In life you'll meet people who dislike you for no reason, you'll meet people who go all out to make things difficult for you, people who on the appearance are your friends yet they talk bad about you and make up things about you. BUT you also meet genuine people. and these are the people who believe in you because they know you as a person and they trust your character more than what they hear.
I wasn't always accurate in my judgement of a person's character, but in the past few weeks after learning so much about what I was blinded to, all the lies and the hypocrisy. I'm now truly grateful and thankful for the friends who believe in me and are supportive of me.
We can't always please everyone and some people just aren't worth our time.
Maybe my actions were inappropriate and that's why such things were said, but no matter what the one thing that i cannot seem to get over is that they took my feelings as a joke. In all honesty no one has the right to judge the feelings of others, no matter who you are or what the reason. No one has the right to do that. Of course that's my perspective alone and after this incident maybe I'll learn to see that not everyone around me has good intentions like I thought they did.
Xin ru told me that I've changed,
That I've grown up even more and that she's proud of the me now.
I honestly don't know how much I've grown in maturity or anything like that, but I do know that with this understanding of the things I couldn't see in the past, I've learnt more about myself. Maybe all that others said of me was one of the reasons we never had a chance, maybe it's because of other things that I still don't know about or maybe it was just me.
I guess it no longer really matters to You.
but I hope You at least know that I never had that intention.
Towards You, it was always real.
None of that really matters anymore though.... I know the truth now
and so maybe I can finally forgive myself, learn to let go and move on to life after You.
No comments:
Post a Comment