Losing battle.

7th March 2013.
it's been exactly a month.

since the night she left and everything that followed after, it's been a month.
what a long yet fast month it's been.
every day i live as if i still have many tomorrows ahead of me and all the time in the world to work my way slowly but as each day passes, i realise that all that "time" i've invented is nothing but in my head. there really isn't much time left.

today has been by far the worst day of 2013.
Miss Lai gave the J2s the biggest scolding i've ever had to endure in MJ the past 3 years. it lasted for almost 40 mins but sitting there felt a lot more like eternity. that plus the horrid chem lecture test we took, the econs lecture test that got postponed due to us getting scolded and a lot of other stuff. it's really been an emotionally draining day.

i guess no one can understand the way most J2s felt today, not unless you were there throughout the process. to be very honest, what Miss Lai said made a lot of sense. everything she said did. but the more i sat there hearing her lecture us, the more despair i felt and i got more frustrated with myself.

being in J2 is really just over whelming.
there's so much to do and so little time to do it all. expectations are high but everyone seems to think that we are all super humans who are not only really efficient, but we can multi-task; juggle everything we have in life from school work to CCA to revision and personal lives, do extra work outside of what is expected of us and still perform well. The truth is, WE'RE NOT. BUT the funny thing is, that's exactly what's expected of a J2 student isn't it? it's what we "signed up" for when we decided to take the JC route.

no, i'm not lamenting that life is unfair this way or that way too much is expected of us. i know it's our job, i know that no matter how tough it gets this year, we just have to suck it up and keep on going till we get past A-levels.
it's just that, to be very honest, i never ever ever imagined that it would be like this. that i would begin to consistently doubt my decision to stay was a wrong choice i had made.

up till now i've just forced myself to keep on going. to not think about it, not worry about how much i seem to be struggling. i kept telling myself that this is normal, it's okay to struggle and to not cope. Even Miss Liyana said so herself to us today. But all these just slowly seem like excuses for my lack of competence. it's no longer about how much effort i put it, it's becoming more of how much ability i really have.

ever since i've started J2, i've become seriously pessimistic about myself.
it's no longer just the fear of not doing well, it's the fear of not having the ability to do well anymore.
it's just like what everyone says: "not everyone is suited for the JC system"
what if i'm really not suited? i've spent 3 years here, that's a little too long to realise that you're not suited for something right?

Everyday since school started, i've struggled with the inner me that's been telling me i'm not good enough for this journey.
Everyday i try and fight a little harder, but everyday i get a lot more weary.
Everyday i go to sleep telling myself i'll get through this, that i'm not alone,
but Every single day i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle.

it's March now, ONLY March.
there's 9 more months i have to endure and i know that it will only get tougher in the months ahead....
but for the first time ever,
i'm so low in morale that i'm almost close to saying that i want to give up.