Freedom.

How free do you want to be?

I went for a swim on Friday, something I've been putting off for months cause of how busy I've been/ lazy I get/ tired I was. whatever it was, I finally got round to doing what I've been wanting to for a really long time.

Swimming alone is always equivalent to more ME time, time for me to silently talk to myself in my head while I let my body do the usual routine. (I know that sounds weird) sometimes I think I get so complacent when I swim that it's like I don't need to think of how to do it, everything just happens on it's own. this might as well be a good thing, because it usually means that I have more time to think through things and observe my surroundings while I do laps. Just like that I unknowingly did 12 laps, pretty good considering how long I haven't been in water.

I suppose I've always loved swimming because of how free it makes me feel.

Being submerged in water is like having the freedom to move around as you please. the feeling of running your fingers through the sky blue waters and the weightless feeling one gets as they glide through the pool. the quietness in your ears with only the sound of water hitting the pool side drains. it's the closest we'll get to flying without actually being in the air (at least, that's the whacked theory I seem to think it is). There's just something about it that I love, something that draws me in. maybe it's the endless thrill of holding your breath till your lungs burn and you finally come up for air, or maybe it's got to do with the fact that the cutest children are often found trying to learn how to swim at the pool.

To be honest my biggest regret (I shall call it that for once) is giving up competitive swimming. Maybe if I had held on, my resolve would be much stronger than what it is today. it's too late for all of that now though. at this age it's hard to go back to those times, so I'll just enjoy the leisurely swims while I still can.

I was thinking of the lit tutorial I had while doing my laps. 
The Idea of FREEDOM.

I don't think I've ever mention this but Age Of Innocence is really so much better than Twelfth Night... no offence to Shakespeare, but he talks about romance WAY too much. though to be honest AOI isn't much different, but at least there is the element of a person's struggle between what society wants of him and what he wants. (the whole idea of wanting to do what the heart wants but mind doesn't allow thing)
the discussion was on the idea that " freedom at times, is also a person not knowing of their entrapment " or in other words just simply saying, maybe people who are unaware of how trapped and restricted they really are, are the ones who enjoy the most freedom.

How ridiculously absurd yet totally truthful that is right? 
thinking about it carefully I realised how that statement was a complete reflection of the lives that so many of us lead. the only reason why anyone ever feels trapped is exactly because they know that they are constricted, chained down and blocked up. it is because we know, that is why we feel trapped.

Is this why there's a chinese saying that goes: "傻人有傻福" ? perhaps we humans are too complex for our own good or perhaps it's just that I'm currently too complex for my own good. all this talk about freedom and the deep thoughts that everyone has towards this one word is perhaps too much to handle at times.

Along this path we've chosen, at least once, we're bound to feel chained by the amount of work and everyday school life. it's not that we don't know why we do what we do, and it's not that we don't know the ultimate aim that we all have. it's just that at times the reason for us pressing on each and every day gets forgotten. simply cause our own freedom has been forgotten.

Despite all of this I try and convince myself everyday with this thought: " if you really must, then at the very least exchange your freedom for bigger goals and always think long term."
perhaps this whole idea of losing yourself/ your identity along this journey or discovering yourself along this journey (let's leave this for another post) or losing your freedom momentarily for a bigger goal, is a lot more practical then others give it credit for.

If there's anything I learnt these 3 years through this whole system is that whether or not you lose yourself/discover a new you/reach success/experience failure/give up your freedom/make new friends/meet some enemies or whatever else there is about life as a JC kid..... the thing I know best is that everyone learns a lesson. not an academic one but something that changes their perspective on something, irregardless of how significant or not, we just learn something.

Perhaps that alone is enough. 
Afterall, knowledge comes at a price and that price might just(momentarily) be Your Freedom.

sleepless.

sleepless.

haven't felt this way in a long time, the feeling of being unable to sleep regardless of fatigue.... and so I got out of bed and decided to blog. I most probably will regret this tomorrow in school, but the week is almost ending so it all becomes slightly bearable. just a little more, just a little more.

lying in bed and staring at the night sky outside my window wondering whose doing the exact same thing as me now; lying in bed, looking at the night sky, thinking.

I wonder who has these same thoughts as me tonight:
thinking of the most random things like how dark rain clouds are a tinge of purple against the night sky, or how the sound of the wind outside is weirdly soothing, thinking of how to make full use of my time whenever I can, thinking of that song I heard on the radio today, thinking of the people I miss, thinking of the work I have to finish over the weekend, thinking of the friends I can't help but worry for, thinking of the swim I keep telling myself I'll take, and the little things in life along the way.

too much thinking, but it's my favourite thing to do at this favourite time of mine.
it's when it's quiet around, and all is still.
it's when I'm alone staring at the dark sky from my window, thinking of all the things I've done, I want to do and of things I haven't.

a little heaven in space and time, where everything is what you want it to be,
the place we all retreat to for some quality alone time.
where consequences are laid bare and resolves are always tested;
such is the human mind.
complex yet simple, just as we all are
and maybe that's exactly why I like the feeling of thinking.

reality, delusions, perseverance.

should I call it determination?
or just my sheer stubbornness in refusing to admit that I might be incapable? that I didn't even try?

never give up, never call it quits.

keep on trying no matter how tough the road gets
persevere and one day you'll see that it all pays off 

constantly reminding myself of these few sentences, every single day in fact
because I do believe it's true.
that those who never give up will eventually reach their goals and destinations.
but there's a saying: reap what you sow and get your just deserves.
so maybe this is what I deserve.

no feeling of hopelessness or tiredness, frustrations or upset
just numbness.
Ms Halimah told me this: "never let yourself get numb to anything, never let yourself become nonchalant to failure."
when I heard those words a part of me silently said: maybe I already am.

I'm still gonna try, I'm still gonna fight
it's just that I no longer expect and that seems to be scarier than anything else.
I'm honestly disturbed by how I seem to be disappointing the teachers who once put their faith in me.
maybe they are starting to think that I might be a hopeless cause, not that good student they thought I was. whose to blame them? even I think I seem to be a horrible student.

What will it take? 

What will it take for me to finally achieve something?

Something more than the numbness I feel, something more than just me feeling like I am forever a disappointment, something more than all that I have to show for now...

I'm tired of saying that I'll keep trying. 

I'm tired of saying I'll never give up or that I have faith that it will all work out. 

The truth is it won't.

No more one step at a time, no more "trying".
it's time to admit that nothing I've done is working.
nothing I'm doing is working at all.
I don't know if I'm discouraged or encouraged, or what I'm even feeling really.
I just know I have a feeling telling me that it just simply cannot be this way.

Have you ever felt like you know exactly what's wrong?
and you know that there's a solution to your problem.
But no matter how much you tell yourself you absolutely must,
you just can't seem to do it.

Sounds like excuses doesn't it?
Sounds like I'm a hopeless cause right?
Yeah, it sounds exactly like that to me too.

the only way to go, is forward.

week one of a class of 16.

well, we're officially a class of ALL girls now. Zhang Yao left us to go back to J1 after being absent for more than a month. truth be told we're all a little sad to see him go and I've grown a little attached to him, after all we've been classmates for a little over a year and he's finally opened up to us so much more than when we started as a class. but things like that happen and sometimes it's about wishing your classmate/friend all the best in the journey that they choose away from you.

it's 5th April today. 4th month of the year and I'm now accustomed to the pace of school as a J2. (like finally right?) heard a fair share of people saying their goodbyes in the past few months though as they decide that the JC system might not be right for them after all..... it's always a little bittersweet for all these people because to these J2s they have made friends the same way I did with some of the J3s. but they too see that true friendship will find it's way, be it distance or time, if it's strong enough and both parties try, nothing can change it.

funny how I can finally imagine what it was like for the J3s, to see people saying goodbye after more than a year of struggles while they try and find the courage to persevere and continue on. these people leave with bigger dreams for themselves and an understanding that the JC way might not always the supposed "right way". I'm happy for them because they have found what they want and are on their way to it. Looking at all this, and listening to Zhang Yao telling me why he wants to go back to J1, I suddenly realize that I will not give up. I have had those thoughts, like most people really but there are too many people who are taking this journey for me to say I want to give up.

3 years I've spent here. I really have overstayed my time but I'm not going to quit no matter what comes next, talking to Zhang Yao really taught me that I have to keep going and not stop. perhaps for him he's taking this new chance as a way to finish the race the way he hopes to.

ever since I've started J2, all I really seem to talk about it studies, stress, etc. it's almost as if a little part of me(the fun part) is gone with this new year. is this what being in j2 does to a person?! fret not, last I checked I'm still having a rather balanced life (or so I think I do) some things are different, but everyone changes with time and I think I've changed not in a bad way, so it's all good (:

not knowing why I've been really into erm, spiritual growth (sounds weird, I know) this year. in almost everything that I've done / everything that has happened I find myself looking for something to learn from it. A lesson; be it a moral lesson, self or life lesson and what not. I just seem to be searching for something I can gain from it. (I ALSO CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE JUST SAID ALL THAT) this is what I mean when I say I feel like I'm really aging. it's not that I don't know how to have fun anymore, in fact I think I'm having quite a fair amount of fun, it's just..... things are different. I feel different.

maybe is this what people mean when they say we gain maturity with age huh.
the first 3 months of J2 are gone and it's already term 2. less than 3/4 of the way to go before I leave the concept of "uniformed school" behind for good. things are getting serious but the toughest 3 months of adjusting are over, all that's left now is the test of endurance and perseverance.