reality, delusions, perseverance.

should I call it determination?
or just my sheer stubbornness in refusing to admit that I might be incapable? that I didn't even try?

never give up, never call it quits.

keep on trying no matter how tough the road gets
persevere and one day you'll see that it all pays off 

constantly reminding myself of these few sentences, every single day in fact
because I do believe it's true.
that those who never give up will eventually reach their goals and destinations.
but there's a saying: reap what you sow and get your just deserves.
so maybe this is what I deserve.

no feeling of hopelessness or tiredness, frustrations or upset
just numbness.
Ms Halimah told me this: "never let yourself get numb to anything, never let yourself become nonchalant to failure."
when I heard those words a part of me silently said: maybe I already am.

I'm still gonna try, I'm still gonna fight
it's just that I no longer expect and that seems to be scarier than anything else.
I'm honestly disturbed by how I seem to be disappointing the teachers who once put their faith in me.
maybe they are starting to think that I might be a hopeless cause, not that good student they thought I was. whose to blame them? even I think I seem to be a horrible student.

What will it take? 

What will it take for me to finally achieve something?

Something more than the numbness I feel, something more than just me feeling like I am forever a disappointment, something more than all that I have to show for now...

I'm tired of saying that I'll keep trying. 

I'm tired of saying I'll never give up or that I have faith that it will all work out. 

The truth is it won't.

No more one step at a time, no more "trying".
it's time to admit that nothing I've done is working.
nothing I'm doing is working at all.
I don't know if I'm discouraged or encouraged, or what I'm even feeling really.
I just know I have a feeling telling me that it just simply cannot be this way.

Have you ever felt like you know exactly what's wrong?
and you know that there's a solution to your problem.
But no matter how much you tell yourself you absolutely must,
you just can't seem to do it.

Sounds like excuses doesn't it?
Sounds like I'm a hopeless cause right?
Yeah, it sounds exactly like that to me too.