Though the person himself is taking it pretty well I must say. Then again he's always been independent in handling his own thoughts and feelings. "I'm fine uh hahha" has a varying of meanings and while I know he'll be okay eventually in a few days, I can't help but be worried. haix.
1 more week to pop and this happens ): though he said it's alright and the past 8 weeks haven't been all THAT bad, quite lepak sometimes even. But in all honesty BMT in that particular unit couldn't have been that easy either, it's still an elite unit after all so he most probably suffered quite a bit some days. It is what it is though, none of us can do anything about it
Wherever it is he goes from here I'm just real proud of him for having come thus far, and I really hope he'll be alright soon.
my daily reminder. something I hope he'll remember too.
this is a sad feeling, but more cause they've been working too hard and playing too well the past few matches to have this now. Chelsea's defense was seriously strong though, and their goal keeper was so on form. Liv tried, they really did, at least 7 shots in the second half. At the end it should be the spirit that counts and they're still my no. 1 team #YNWA #LFC gonna still keep faith that we have a chance to bring home the league tittle. WE CAN DO THISSS!!
Rixton - Hotel Ceiling (Live)
Can't stop listening to this song.
To them in general, falling too much in love with Jake's voice. Its the kind of voice that I'll listen to at 2am in bed and just can't get enough of. Exactly what's been happening the last 2 nights. It's about a friend whose passed on, not something I've experienced personally, but death in it's essence is something everyone's experienced some way or another.
Been discovering artists and bands on the tube these few days, music is legit therapy for a multitude of issues. Even if you have no issues actually. It's the solution to EVERYTHING: bad day, good day, bored, can't sleep etc.
truer words could not have been said
Peter Hollens feat. Mike Tompkins - Story of my life (cover)
Another artist I found. Kinda really like the way his cover is telling his own love story with his wife. And damn, those eyes look like they can see through my soul.
The irony that I'm reading Shakespeare now that I've graduated compared to when there was an actual need for me to read it last year hahaha. I remember vaguely saying something like: "God knows why he(Shakespeare) chooses to write things this way, so much complications and unnecessary drama that is often never EVER realistic at all." I used to really dislike reading his works, Elizabethan language is not really my thing. But in hindsight he's a remarkable writer, for words are never chosen just for the sake of choosing, and theatrical plays were never meant to be practical.
In the middle of another book too: The Trial of Fallen Angels by J.P Kimmel.
"A young disabled lawyer finds herself dead in afterlife, with no recollection of how she died but with memories of her husband, daughter and the life she left behind. And how she's been chosen to join the elite lawyers who prosecute and defend souls at the Final Judgement where she discovers the truth of how, and why she died through her first client."
Okay, I kinda summarized the synopsis... It's 3 paragraphs long. I'm not gonna type that all out!! HAHA it's a pretty interesting read so far. Revolves around the idea that "doing good does not make us good people, doing bad doesn't make us bad people either"
I wonder how this will end, though I'm guessing she will eventually discover empathy and compassion, forgiving the one who caused her death? I might have been reading so much I can now predict the endings of most books HAHA we'll see how it goes though.
On another note, I finally met wit yesterday.
It's been so so long. He's been busy with work and DJ-ing, driving and other things and I was just well, avoiding him. But I've since sorted myself out and he's relatively free-er now so it was about time. We're a pretty weird combo, but oddly enough through the differences there's something that clicks and holds together. Not quite sure what it is, I just know that the friendship between us is different from any other I have with the other guys.
We had a pretty good talk, filling up the gap between us these past 3 months. Other than the incident he had a year ago this was most probably one of the longest htht sessions we've had. "Just look back on this whole experience as a learning point." The words I gave him once, now given back to me. Though now I've already learnt the meaning of those words but seeing wit across me saying those words made me feel like we've each come so far this period of time. He's grown a lot in certain aspects, and I'm really glad to see this side of him again.
This is what my wall is slowly becoming right now
Started last year before prelims when I wrote quotes that kept me going, then notes from the girls and mum and everything else sorta went up too. Some are reminders to myself of the things I've learnt from everything that's happened, others are just my 4am feels.
I have a feeling this wall will keep expanding, but it's a pretty nice thought. It means I'll have more reminders along the way.
Went out with Er Jie today for major htht and makan session since the Le L's plan to surprise Chrisy pie failed to happen cause she fell sick ): but she had her Zacky pie to cheer her up and she's much better now.
Haven't had a girls day out with Jie in forever and it felt so good. Times like this she's more the bff than my older sister. Sharing with me all her work worries/ personal secrets (hehehe) and in turn letting me talk about anything and EVERYTHING, ranting my feelings and my insecurities and laughing our heads off cause we do something retarded together in the middle of a crowded street. Sisters really make the worst enemy and best friends. You may fight growing up, but past a certain age you understand that they will be the ones to give you advice, support and love when you fall flat on your face in life, when you feel so dang hopeless, when your heart's so broken you almost can't find the pieces.
And that's exactly what she is to me <3 <3 <3
Today I thought about Fate.
Whether it really exists or everything is just a series of consequences from our actions and coincidences. I've been avoiding all of it like they all tell me too. "Don't care, don't look, don't think, don't feel" like they all tell me to. It's working, it really is.
Just some days he's still a shadow over me. When knowing that they are together doing the things we used to do, going to the places we used to go, doing the things we might have done together. Some days this shadow hangs over me. Today is one of those days.
It doesn't really happen often anymore, that heartache when I see his tweets or the way other people respond to the both of them. It's now a quiet pain that pokes at me, a scar that's slowly healing. He's happy, really happy and I'm the bystander watching outside. We said we would be friends, I thought that it was possible. I forgot that most couples that end don't end up as friends, I forgot that he doesn't want or need me in his life anymore.
What is Fate exactly?
Is it real? Or is everything just a result of my own actions and the funny thing people call coincidence. I don't think I'll ever figure that out.
Suddenly my memory of us is blurry, almost like a dream. Maybe that's what we've become: nothing but fragments of lingering moments, warmth, words and forgotten promises. I know I shouldn't but I still wonder if I wasn't good enough.
I sometimes still miss him.
But I know he's no longer the guy that belonged with me, and that still saddens me.
CUPCAKESS
Sorry the photo's so huge. I just couldn't help it, can almost smell the cupcake batter just looking at this. Exaggerating like nobody's business HAHA but it does taste good, according to le friends and family, so I would say I've made successful cupcakes :D
Cold night again
And this insane thundering is not making me feel any better. Wanted to go for a run but the weather obviously wants me at home, in bed.... so I ain't gonna argue hehehe. Lazy me has decided that I need to start keeping fit again, this time not because I can't sleep at 2 in the morning or cause I'm an exploding ball of horrible emotions. This time for my own good i.e mental and physical fitness (SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE WHAT I WOULD USUALLY SAY LOL) I still don't like running though, not one bit. Okay, now I sound like me again.
Was watching running man just now and I laughed so hard I almost rolled off the bed my goodness. That show never fails to put me in a good mood. I think I might end up watching rm through the whole night and that is a very bad idea cause it's a long day tomorrow. Can't wait to meet Dawnz tomorrow and start planning plus the musical tomorrow night. It's going to be good.
Soccer night with Le L's @ Ben's as usual.
So used to seeing them till it's almost like nothing nowadays :) Liverpool vs Man City tonight and Pool nearly gave me a heart attack in the second half. My goodness. Still, glad they pushed through it all and made it 3-2. Been watching Liv for 6 years, and I haven't seen a team of players play so well or try so hard together in awhile. It's a heart-swelling kind of feeling, Pride perhaps.
Bake day with Jie ytd and we ended up creating a complete storm in the kitchen: Peach Cheese cake, Vanilla white choco cupcakes and Orange sponge cake. Me is going to put back on all the weight I lost recently, but it's okay hehehe. I finally have my appetite back (somewhat) and that's a positive sign: I'm finally getting my life back in order.
I've been thinking about a certain erm...issue these days.
Started last week when the Le L's wouldn't stop bugging me about it (yes, they bug me but I still love them hahaha) actually it's been ongoing for so long. Just I never really put too much thought into it, I'm not quite sure why. But it hits me more now than it did before, and I don't really know why too. A little afraid of these thoughts though. I suppose only time will tell where this is all heading, too much thinking never did anyone good right?
G.E.M 邓紫棋 - 龙卷风 (tornado)
Another song from her that TOTALLY says how I feel. It's a cover of Jay Chou's song but I think I like her's so much better.
"Love is like a gust of wind
It leaves after it's finished blowing,
It's a kind of rhythm, no one can cope with it
Since you went away, my soul went out of control
The dark cloud is landing, and I'm pulled away by it
Love has gone too fast just like a tornado
I cannot bear it, but I've already got nowhere to hide
I don't want to think again, I don't want to think again
I can't, I can't and I don't want to think of you again
Without knowing it,You've already left me
Without knowing it, I've followed this rhythm
In hindsight, another autumn passes
In hindsight, I should make good use of my life
Rap:
Right now, how harshly do you want me to say it
I never wanted to part
Why do I still have to put on a smile and shake it off
No, no, I don't have the ability to bear with you and accept her
but don't you worry too much, I will live well
I see you've long left, I will slowly learn to leave as well And I will learn to give up Because, I love you "
Had to translate this whole thing, BECAUSE THE LYRICS JUST SPEAK TO ME. Hahaha She's honestly such a great singer/ producer though, she came up with the rap portion on her own.
Might be almost numbed to this feeling in my heart. Either that or I've learnt to let go more these past 3 weeks than the past 5 months. Which ever it might be, it seems we're always stronger than we think ourselves to be. This though, is a good thing.
"Hey, I really miss you. It's started to rain outside again My eyes are dry but I feel like crying I wonder where you are right now. If there wasn't you, there would be no past.
I wouldn't have known heartbreak
But if there was an "if", I would still love you
If there wasn't you, where would I be What would there be to say "it's such a shame"
Anyway it's all too late.
Anyway, I've lost myself. Hey, I really miss you. There are too many emotions but no suitable expression All the words I really want to say, where should I start? Do you ever miss me the way I miss you?"
2am feels, nonetheless it's a great version of this heartbreaking song.
Back to my late nights these few days, but for better reasons: having movie marathon nights on my own. Animation movies are just cute to watch (don't judge me hahaha) So I've practically been in bed with hot chocolate and endless reruns of movies I've loved growing up. I could get used to nights like these.
That friend of mine finally opened up to us again. I haven't seen that person so relaxed and unguarded in awhile. "I'm done with the emo thing, I should be thankful. I know what's going on around me" Hearing those words was a relief I think. All I could say was " That sounds good, really good." In a sense we're both similar. Our reasons may vary, but at the end we were both unhappy. I'm just glad that friend's much better now.
I told someone today: "Honestly I've had a pretty shitty past 5 months. I knew it was about my mentality, how I saw things. But I just couldn't seem to fight those feelings, and they took over me. I can say I'm happier now though. And I'm happier only BECAUSE of my mentality. HOW IRONIC IS THAT?!"
Truth is that's the way life is. At the end it's how we choose to see things, how we eventually learn to adjust our feelings/thoughts/perspectives to whatever it is that happens.
Things still aren't the way they used to be.
I still get reminded, I still miss him and I know my heart still feels the same way. And maybe, just maybe, I might not get a chance to go to the local Uni like my other friends. But that's alright, even with all of this I can still be happy. I will try every day to be. Because I should be, for there are so many reasons in life now for me to be.
Got me a new wall paper.
It's about time I changed the one I had. New daily reminder for myself as I see this everyday. Kinda makes me smile actually, subconsciously making me slightly happier each day. When we take each little thing that happens everyday as a gift everything always seems a little more special, a little more worth being thankful for. Perhaps because we unknowingly cherish it more.
Had lunch with Dawny and Siah today at Hoagies. Ended up talking nonsense and life and our future and everything else possible for hours. I never expected to make friends like these honestly, and I never expected to be become such good friends with some of them, the guys especially. But sitting there was a lot like being with a second family. Comfortable and relaxed, even amid silence, and we really do talk about everything. I sat there thinking to myself today: I don't know how all of this happened, but either way I'm really so damn glad it did.
Watched this again last night. (for the I-don't-know-how-many times already) I know, I know. It's one of those unrealistic sappy true love stories. But in all honesty, this is one of my favorite movies. Might be Amanda Seyfried, or just the completely unrealistic yet oddly touching and heartwarming story line of how 2 people can find their way back to each other after 50 years just purely cause of their love, and a strangers' one act of kindness. Unrealistic, but funny how it makes me want to believe too. That in this world there can be a love so true, time and distance means nothing. Did I ever mention I can be a hopeless romantic sometimes? Haha
"Sorry I was late."
"No, when we're speaking of love, it's never too late"
- Letters to Juliet
Found myself a new favorite band of the week too: Rixton
Rixton- Me and My Broken Heart
They're a new UK pop/R&B band with only 2 singles so far. This is their second single released slightly less than 2 weeks ago. Jake Roche has a great voice, and the band has ultra catchy tunes so far (2 might not be a good gauge though hahaha). The lyrics are supposedly sad, but surprisingly I'm not paying too much attention to the words. Kinda just singing and jumping around to the tune cause it's THAT catchy. And that's why they've been on replay the past 4 days.
Another Sunday.
Cooked lunch for mummy today. Thought it'll be nice to do something for her in return seeing how she's always the one cooking for me. Made everything from scratch except the pizza crust, and it took me 2 hours MY GOODNESS. Was almost too tired to have the meal with her after cooking. Haha
Perfect day to just sit out on the balcony and lunch with mumz
Seafood Pizza. Clam Chowder Soup. Potato Salad
Glad she enjoyed my food today. It's the small things I guess. We may not always agree, and we have days when we are like best friends, others when we are each others worst enemy. But at the end she's the person whose loved me all my life, long before I existed. That's enough to be grateful for, so much to be grateful for.
Day 132.
Still learning the ways my heart works. Still learning to not be affected when I see him smiling with her. I've always known that people aren't permanent; that we change. It's a good thing too, that we change. Just I guess we always hoped some things wouldn't, that somehow it would withstand time and trials.
19th week tomorrow and I'm still learning, a little more each day. I'm contended now though, with the people and things I'm lucky to have. And even though I'm not in his life, I'm glad he's happy.
One day, my heart will learn to stop aching. For this heartache too, isn't permanence.
Finally updating my space properly again.
Stay over with Tiantian @ her hall in nus. Growing up we were always quite close, but now that we're adults (sorta) family really is such an important thing. And I'm just glad I have cousins like her to keep me grounded and together through almost everything really. Maybe it's weird to others, but both sides of my families are rather close knitted, something that I tend to forget doesn't come easy. It's something to be treasured, to be thankful for.
I've been busy these few months chasing the things that I think I need, things that I want. Focusing on the things I didn't achieve and people I've lost. Yeah, it's grief, so that's normal behavior I guess. Yet through these past almost 5 months, the unexpected friends and family who've stood by me through all that stuff and more (even when they knew nothing) really surprised and touched me. They've taught me that even when the darkest clouds are in the sky, somewhere up there, the stars still shine; watching over you.
Lola's Cafe
Iced Chocolate. Lemon Meringue Tart. Seasalt Chocolate Tart with Coffee Cream
Rainy day as I caught up with a friend today at Lola's.
Really like their Lemon Meringue Tart simply cause I've always been a fan of sweet+sour combi of anything really. It's quite diabetes, but cause I don't really take sweet stuff anymore so maybe it's acceptable for others. I do love the zesty lemony refreshing taste of it though. Light flavors and a pang for your taste buds :)
The Seasalt Choco Tart's rather heavy in texture cause of the dark choco base. I do like the coffee cream lightly sprinkled with seasalt that balances out the flavor of the entire tart. While my friend loved it, I'm not so much a fan of desserts that are too chocolatety. I would recommend this to anyone whose a dark chocolate lover though!
Today showed me that some friendships come back to you if you put in the effort, and that some friends can simply fit back into your life even if things got complicated along the way. It takes a lot of patience, time away from each other and much courage to correct the mentality we have towards each other. Eventually though, the friendships that are meant to be will be. Glad to have you back, my friend.
2:36 am
This quote has too much truth about my feelings these days.
Learning to stop fighting my feelings: the worries, the hurt, the fears and all that's negative in general. I don't run from them anymore. On the bad days I just let myself feel all of it then try my best to go with the flow of things and keep trying to get out of whatever rut I feel like I'm in (as I fall asleep) when I wake up in the morning.
Positive thinking is always good right? Maybe I'm just a little too tired lately. All the Uni application submissions the past few days and my first official driving lesson today(yesterday) might have worn me out slightly. My words are becoming a jumbled mess, but a little disorder is sometimes welcomed, no?
See, I'm not making much sense tonight. haha. Not much sense at all.
