Saturdays.

Pentatonix - Love again

Their mv for this song is finally out

Such an interesting take for this song? but irregardless they are awesome and this original song of their's has been replaying for god knows how long on my phone the past few months. Yes, I like it THAT much hahaha

Took the day off yesterday to bake nutella and banana filled cookies with Dawny before dinner with the burdens (after so long) + Zack and Nicholas too. Those cookies are some serious good stuff, but my nutella filling is a little on the sparse side so it's more like banana cookies maybe? The burdens said it's good nonetheless so I'm happy either ways

Had lunch with half the Le L's today too :)

Finally got to see Siah for the first time ever since he enlisted. Time spent with these idiots is always good. Somehow we always have a good time talking nonsense or what not, or like today, talking about Dawny's er, certain issue ahem ahem hehehehe

Look at those faces of fascination cause Dawny decided to tell them/show them some highly top secret stuffs. Just looking at their expressions makes me laugh. But that's the guys for ya always making us laugh. No wonder I miss them now that they're all men and it's just us girls... sigh pie

On another note I bought another 2 books today (YAYYY and BOOO) I really need to stop with the buying of books. It's my 14/15th one in the past 5 months.... all my money is going to my insane love for reading. I'll never be able to save properly for a trip at this rate :(

Strangers.

25.05.14

It's been half a year; 6 months; 181 days.
Has it been that long? I can't seem to wrap my mind around this fact, it just doesn't seem like it's been that long.

6 months that saw so much changes between him and I, 6 months and it's like there was never an Us. Looking back I don't really know how to account for my 6 months. I didn't achieve much really. All those after A's plans, all the things I wanted to do? I don't think I did them honestly. Suddenly the last 6 months of my life feels like me going through the motions, doing what was expected of me: move on.

Like I've told anyone who still asks me about it, I'm fine. I am.
Just there's still those feelings that hover even when I've come to terms with us now and honestly wish him well. It's expected they tell me, because he was the first, because he meant alot and maybe still do now. They tell me it's fine to feel like this, that they see I've become so much better and stronger than I was a few months back.

Those words are suppose to comfort me I think. To let me know I'm still loved by my family and friends regardless of it all. I know, and I'm thankful for those words and their love. But I think there will always be a part that can't be healed regardless of the kind of love I receive from these wonderfully nice people in my life. It's not necessarily a bad thing though, it's a reminder I suppose: of a Love that was once that impactful in my life. It's something I'm thankful to have had and sorry to have lost. 

But just as set in stone that it's over, I know very well too it most probably won't be the last either. In the years to come there might be another/others who can perhaps make me feel the same. But maybe I will always remember him for being the first, and maybe I'll always remember all those little things about him.

Do all lovers have to become strangers when they part?
I never thought it should be that way actually. But looking around me all these years and looking at myself now, I think maybe I was just too naive. It seems like there isn't really an option of being friends after you've parted and one of you moves on with someone else..... why is it this way though? Is this really for the better?

When I see him now in photos I sometimes feel like I don't recognise him. Even though I still remember everything there is about him and the people around him, every single thing..... Looking at him, but not really seeing him. That's what it is. These are the moments when I feel like maybe I just imagined "us", like all those words said and things done didn't even exist. This is normal too right? I should hope it is for if not I am truly becoming a very, very weird person.

Even with all these thoughts of me maybe becoming crazy and this oddly saddening feeling that "we" never existed, I would like to choose to believe it was real. However short it was, or however insignificant it was to others and maybe even to the him now, I think "we" were real.

It's no longer tangible, perhaps even more foreign than before because we once knew each other on such an intimate level. I guess you can say we went a full circle and went back to the way we were before our paths cross: strangers > friends > lovers > strangers again.

Just this time, I can't just go on with my life the way it was before him.
Because just as I can't ever remember a person I've never met, I can't possibly completely forget someone whose impacted me this greatly either: no matter how much of a stranger he's now become.

21/02/14.

"The happiness of your life depends upon the

quality of your thoughts:

therefore, guard accordingly."

- Marcus Aurelius

Came across this quote a few days back on Instagram and found it apt in so many ways, even though life is currently fine in progress. Sometimes coming across certain quotes on IG I will think to myself: "well, this is a good reminder to the me a few months back" only to realize that I'm no longer that person from a few months back. And while that quote remains relevant to the me now, it's impact is far smaller, in turn meaning I have a smaller need for it.

That's what it feels like: moving on.

It's acknowledging that the feelings are still present, but no longer run your life. You run your own life now, those feelings, they just linger around drifting.

Had my first night driving lesson just now and it was :( though my instructor says I'm honestly doing well considering the number of lessons I've had so far, but still I didn't really feel that good driving tonight. Who ever knew lights could dazzle and distract you that much? Well, one step at a time. Just gonna work on improving myself as fast as possible each lesson and get my license as soon as I can.

First day at work tomorrow too!

Though, it starts at 8am @ Raffles Place. HOW AM I GOING TO WAKE UP IN TIME FOR WORK?!?!?!?!?! Still, kinda excited to start on this one for various reasons. Firstly of course, I'm going to start getting paid again (instead of working for free hahhaa) And it'll be fun for sure, seeing the company I'm going to be having. 

Had a great few days this past week catching up with a few important people/groups of people, but more of that another day. The bad sleep these few days has really been screwing up my body clock, and I could really use the sleep :/

The little things.

6am bedtime

It's happening again; all the not being able to sleep, sleeping when the sun rises, the bad sleep and the anxiety waking in the middle of the night. Problem is I'm not so sure what's troubling me now. Life is okay, I am okay. So what is it? What's the reason for this feeling I'm having?

A little faint, but a hint of a rainbow I saw last friday. 

On the days when I feel like this, I can't help but look at the sky: at the white clouds, the endless blue hues and the light casting shadows. When the weather is good, sunlight feels warm on the skin and the breeze is cold ruffling through the trees. Days that remind me it's good to be alive, breathing. So I shouldn't worry, try not to worry, whatever it is that worries me. I don't know what it is, but it'll be alright no? It always is at the end of the day. 

"Live for the Little Things" they say. 

For the small moments that are insignificant now but may mean more when you look back years later. I think of that bus ride last Friday, of the pretty sky I saw, that hint of rainbow behind a cloud of golden light. I think of the person next to me then, how it was oddly comforting sitting in silence together that bus ride home, how it's always been that way for us. 

I think of how strangely at ease and happy I felt at that moment simply because the sky was pretty, the weather was good, the person next to me always makes me feel comforted in troubled times.

It really is about the little things isn't it? A day like that, a day that seems insignificant compared to others before, yet it's stuck in my mind. That feeling, that sky, that few hours. It's was contentment: quiet happiness over the simplest thing.

I am being weird hahahha. Might be my 1/4 life crisis, or my really really bad lack of sleep. Either ways I'm finally meeting Chris tomorrow, and Dawny is coming home. It's good to have my girls back with me now that the boys are all busy being men.

Lonely.

4.17 am

Can't sleep.
Or rather, I can't sleep peacefully. I don't know if I dream. If I do, I remember nothing. It's just falling asleep and suddenly waking up in shock. It happens several times throughout the night, and it's the second night already. Why am I feeling so uneasy and restless?

It's been awhile since I've felt like this and for no seemingly good reason. Feeling tired of things in my life, and suddenly lonely. Odd isn't it? There have been days when I sometimes felt alone, but this might be the first time I'm feeling Lonely. It's such a strange feeling.

There's also a person I can't seem to stop worrying about these few days, someone I would like to help. But I don't really think that person needs it or necessarily wants it. Usually I somehow manage to find the right words for most people but this one person, even though we've known each other for almost 2 years, I sometimes just don't know how to help.

Can I just leave this all behind and be on my own for awhile? For some reason I just want to be alone and away from everything and everyone now. This feeling of being tired of life (for a lack of a better word)..... it's honestly becoming really, really tiring.

Paper Heart.

Some days I remember that the scariest thing in life is not the unknown

but knowing that what you thought could/would stay constant didn't/couldn't. 

The scariest beings would then be us humans.

Your closest today might be a stranger tomorrow

For our hearts, thoughts and actions are too complex, unpredictable and unconstant

so guard that paper Heart, Always.

Home.

Back for a day and I'm already missing this beach and the sea.
If there's ever such a thing as rebirth into a second life I would like to be a sea creature, some super cool fish maybe. Starfish is kinda cool too. Either that or I hope to be a bird, cause flying's cool HAHAHAHA Water or sky, I'm fine either ways. Being a human is at times too complex, though we do have our little perks here and there.

Anyways, back to erratic weather and confined spaces here. I miss the night sky there, where it's so dark I literally counted more than a 100 stars laying in that hammock by the beach. Where I'm barefooted in the sand, reading by the beach, out at sea doing stuff or by the pool all day under the sun. Black and burnt like nobody's business and I don't really even mind the pain. MAJOR WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS right now :(

This trip was good time away from the city, people, cars, noise, light pollution and whatever else not, something I tend to like a lot. Better yet I practically got to live by and in the waters for the past 4 days. Maybe one day when I get tired enough of life in it's present day I'll find some island and never come back? Hahaha, as if. All but wishful thinking this is.

In a sense it's still good to be home. Got to cuddle with my eldest sis and bug her while gaming together and gave my grandparents huge hugs as if I haven't seen them in years. Don't know why but I'm just really happy to see them tonight. Me is becoming all sorts of weird lately hahaha

On another note, kjs finally POP-ed tonight :)
It's been such a fast yet also incredibly slow 9 weeks, but he made it through ndu's bmt alivveee. Still extremely proud of him for the past 2 months and 1 week regardless of outcome. It's been tough, but he tried his best and that's more than enough. He'll still forever be #diverkhoo to me though :)

And I'm happy for Him too, for pop-ing together with kjs and going on to cdc. We're no longer part of each other's lives but it's good to know he's well, happy and that things are going his way.

" No good deed ever goes unpunished,

but whether a deed is good or bad appears to turn not on the nature or quality of the deed itself 

but rather the amount of hatred that exists for those 

who are it's intended beneficiary."

- The Trial of Fallen Angels

Finally finished this book after what seemed like an eternity. The plot surprised me a little, though the ending was what I figured it would be. Among all, this quote struck me the most. And I realised that It seems our intentions and thoughts are not what deems our actions good or bad, but rather how we feel towards the person we do it for and how they'll eventually view it. I do really like it when a book gives me something to think about.

Mum's being insanely impromptu lately.
First the random JB trip on Thurs and now she booked a trip earlier in the day and we're leaving later in the morning HAHAHA what is up with all this yolo-ness I wonder.
Either way I'm pretty excited for this trip! Been so long since I've been there, I can't really remember what it's like there anymore. Just looking forward to the sun, sand and lots of insane activities hehehe

Can't wait :)

Lucky.

One of the many truths in life
Be it friendships or relationships, rather be important to few than be everyone's type right. Great night with Li xinnn! Finally got to catch up with the girl over mumz home cooked dinner (I LOVE MY MUMZ COOKING hahhaha) Followed by some major htht while she watched me clean the dishes and then we went downstairs to the park to lepak and look at the stars.

Tonight's been real real reallyyy nice :) Sometimes I look at the friends I have and wonder why I manage to meet people like that who are so different, yet so similar all at the same time. People who know me so well that I just need to give them a look and they'll understand what I'm thinking. People I see maybe less than 5 times a year but I know they will be there for me when I need them and vice versa. People I can be absolutely ridiculous with in public and I wouldn't care if others judged. People I can laugh with, cry in front of, crazy dance with, sing together like insane people and whatever else it is I do with these friends.

Them plus my family and I'm really quite a dang lucky girl aren't I? Truth is we don't need everything in life, or sometimes even the things/people we want. Sometimes in the midst of all the wanting and thinking we need this or that, we forget that we're lucky enough to have what we have. Or rather, I'm lucky enough right now with what I have.

It's not perfect, neither is it all good.
But each day now I learn more to treasure the things and people I have with me at this moment. I can finally say: I'm walking out of the shadow I placed over myself.

Rixton - Speakerphone (Live)

Listened to this ALL night with Li xin, first time hearing it and we are BOTH IN LOVE. Hahaha, I really can't get enough of them and his voice. This song has a lot of meaning to a part of me. Music really can heal the most broken of souls.