Strangers.

25.05.14

It's been half a year; 6 months; 181 days.
Has it been that long? I can't seem to wrap my mind around this fact, it just doesn't seem like it's been that long.

6 months that saw so much changes between him and I, 6 months and it's like there was never an Us. Looking back I don't really know how to account for my 6 months. I didn't achieve much really. All those after A's plans, all the things I wanted to do? I don't think I did them honestly. Suddenly the last 6 months of my life feels like me going through the motions, doing what was expected of me: move on.

Like I've told anyone who still asks me about it, I'm fine. I am.
Just there's still those feelings that hover even when I've come to terms with us now and honestly wish him well. It's expected they tell me, because he was the first, because he meant alot and maybe still do now. They tell me it's fine to feel like this, that they see I've become so much better and stronger than I was a few months back.

Those words are suppose to comfort me I think. To let me know I'm still loved by my family and friends regardless of it all. I know, and I'm thankful for those words and their love. But I think there will always be a part that can't be healed regardless of the kind of love I receive from these wonderfully nice people in my life. It's not necessarily a bad thing though, it's a reminder I suppose: of a Love that was once that impactful in my life. It's something I'm thankful to have had and sorry to have lost. 

But just as set in stone that it's over, I know very well too it most probably won't be the last either. In the years to come there might be another/others who can perhaps make me feel the same. But maybe I will always remember him for being the first, and maybe I'll always remember all those little things about him.

Do all lovers have to become strangers when they part?
I never thought it should be that way actually. But looking around me all these years and looking at myself now, I think maybe I was just too naive. It seems like there isn't really an option of being friends after you've parted and one of you moves on with someone else..... why is it this way though? Is this really for the better?

When I see him now in photos I sometimes feel like I don't recognise him. Even though I still remember everything there is about him and the people around him, every single thing..... Looking at him, but not really seeing him. That's what it is. These are the moments when I feel like maybe I just imagined "us", like all those words said and things done didn't even exist. This is normal too right? I should hope it is for if not I am truly becoming a very, very weird person.

Even with all these thoughts of me maybe becoming crazy and this oddly saddening feeling that "we" never existed, I would like to choose to believe it was real. However short it was, or however insignificant it was to others and maybe even to the him now, I think "we" were real.

It's no longer tangible, perhaps even more foreign than before because we once knew each other on such an intimate level. I guess you can say we went a full circle and went back to the way we were before our paths cross: strangers > friends > lovers > strangers again.

Just this time, I can't just go on with my life the way it was before him.
Because just as I can't ever remember a person I've never met, I can't possibly completely forget someone whose impacted me this greatly either: no matter how much of a stranger he's now become.