post-MYE.

i honestly think that all the studying i've done the past few days have gone to my brain,
cause i must be crazy.
i'm actually feeling uneasy when i don't have to study. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! when i need to study like crazy i feel tired when i don't have to study, i feel uneasy. I MUST BE CRAZY.

MYE's are officially out the building and god knows that our teachers are gonna be shaking their heads and puking blood while marking the stuff we wrote. well now, a good summary of what i've been through from tues till today is basically: woah. okay. we'll see how this goes.

not saying that everything was bad, i found lit and econs doable. but chem has never really been my best friend and neither has math for that matter. so yeap, we'll really have to wait and see. in the meantime i shall just enjoy as much as i possibly can till the results come back. which is about tuesday. oh mannn, so not looking forward to that.

the class headed out for our super overdue B&J's outing today after our math paper cause we had the $60 voucher. between lepaking at cathay and walking around plaza i realised that i got to know all these girls so much better these past 6 months.

they're really different from the 11s girls, but the 12s girls have their own special qualities and quirky characters that make each so unique. this all girls enviornment (minus zhangyao) is working out quite well for me if i may say so myself.

that aside i'm packed full for the next 3 days. literally. tomorrow i'll be meeting Ximin in the morning to buy her stuff before accompanying Jess to go shopping and lunching in town then in the evening i'll be meeting up with Jia to celebrate her overdue birthday with the amazing spiderman and dinner.

i have rock climbing on sat morning, then outing for the rest of the day with my long time no see sisters in town plus sleepover at their place and sunday will be spent with my parents out somewhere doing something which i haven't been told yet. honestly, i would really much like to stay at home and watch my videos and SLEEP . I JUST REALLY WANT TO SLEEP.

but i haven't spent time with some of these people in a really really long time, so no matter how tired i really am, i'll drag myself out to meet them. though 3 days in town is most probably gonna cost me more of my allowance than i would like. still, i'll take this chance to properly catch up with these people (smthing i didn't do during the hols cause i was studying like a mugger with no life)

i suddenly feel very ironic. while my closest j2 friends struggle to get through this MYE period and get A's over and done with, i'm barely done with this j1 year. i still have one more to go next year, yet this year is going by so fast. it's already almost july. august is next and before you know it, it'll be promos again.

i turn 18 in about a month's plus time.
18 years of my life,
what have i been doing these 18 years?

after this exam, i feel enlightened in terms of how i can improve myself. i know it's a little late to see this now but at least i feel like i know why i'm studying and what exactly i'm studying. suppose this is what's different: at least this time round i know what's wrong and i know what i have to do to correct it.

maybe my 18 years hasn't been as unfufilling as i once thought it was. only those who've seen me grow up will know that i've had my fair share of a difficult life, yet i've never been so clear as i am now that all those things that forced me to grow up faster has changed me in a good way. sure i had to go through alot of crap(nice term) but it made me a better person.

my (almost)18 years haven't been in vain. it's just been a process to make me tougher and prepare me for the rest of whatever that's coming my way. so this race, unlike what i thought, is barely even 1/4 on it's way. i will get through this. i know i will.

day zero.

days to MYEs: 0

i can't describe what i'm feeling, so i won't try i suppose.
thinking of last year and my jc journey up till this moment,
much is different, how i've changed.

things i need to remember:
'' it can only get more difficult from this point on but many before have done it. All i need, is the right attitude."

actual reality:
give it my best shot, don't think negative and keep having faith.
and if it still doesn't turn out well,
keep on trying.

young forever.

a girl's mind is like a maze, she can think of a GAZILLION things at one time.
so if she's thinking of you only, please at least know that to her you mean that much.

 okay, i'm feeling like tumblr today. hence all the photos.

i know the last one is a little out of place, but that kid's SUPER CUTE.

(and also happens to remind me of someone who a bunch of us nicknamed: monster inc.)

but he does look so tortured...

nah, still cute though. hahaha!

IT'S 3 DAYS TO MYES.

give me a moment please.

(goes to a corner; AZAWMNVKLKFNVIOGFKE!! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!??! *takes a deep breath*)

okay, i'm okay now.

just gonna go for my exams with hopes that i remembered all my important stuff.

please let this one pay off,

please.

i've been rolling in bed these days due to some reasons

but i'm back again and bouncing as always.

though i would like to get my appetite back....

still, the bright side is this is helping me lose some extra weight i've gained.

no pe lessons + forever hungry while studying = EXTRA WEIGHT.

so i could sure use some help getting back to norm.

on another note, i'm being haunted by nightmares.

something is wrong, and i can feel it.

this is that gut feeling no one likes to have.

#examanxiety

perhaps there's something more than just that too.

well now, a girl's mind is indeed a maze.

even we ourselves can't figure us out sometimes so let's just leave it as that.

a few more days, just a few more days and i can set my heart to rest.

dad with the swag.

sometimes fathers don't say much, but you know they love you.
they let their actions do the talking
and their small gestures always light up your day.
they're every girls guardian,
cause they'll be there whenever you need them.

my dad's no superhero,
he can't fly or have superpowers,
and he doesn't save the world.
but in my heart he's still the best,
and i know that even when i'm all grown up,
i'll still always be his little girl.

happy father's day daddy,
thanks comforting me at my lowest,
and celebrating with me at my best.
you don't really show it,
but i know you care with all your heart.
so you should know as well,
i'll always love you.

#dadwiththeswag.

2:04 am

ah, another quiet night.

taking a break from my math to update my space and clear my mind a little. i'm getting plauged by all these little mindless thoughts of mine really. :/ staying up late is obviously becoming a habit of mine. but with Euros and MYEs just around the corner, i guess it makes sense.

Adele's still keeping me company all these nights. i don't know, i suppose i just find her voice soothing. it calms me a little i guess, or maybe i'm just a sucker for sad love songs. haha. it's a quiet night out, and here i am with only the night lamp on, curled up with warm milo and typing away.

i miss the feeling of being free. more specifically, being free of small minute problems that i inflict on myself. what is wrong with me really? sigh, running away is never going to solve my problems or anyone's for that matter, so i'm not even thinking of that. it's just, how nice would it be if i could just live in my own little world for awhile?

to let everything i do be because of me. with nothing and no one to worry about, that'll be nice yeah? but then i wake up from my daydream and here i am, front and center. i see that it's never going to happen. i can't exist in my own little world, i can escape into my own whirlwind of thoughts, but that's about as good as it's going to get.

i keep thinking of this person lately. (when i'm not fighting war with my math questions or busy cramming heaps of info into my head of course) there isn't much to think about, but i do miss that person and the person does appear in my mind often enough. it's like being curious about someone who no longer exists in your life(something along those lines)

i read this somewhere: "as we grow older, it's not that things we did that we often regret, it's the things we didn't do". Actually, i don't have much regrets about this. i would have still have done the same thing if i went back to that same time. i guess i just wished that we had more in us than just this. if anything, all i can say is maybe i just missed out.

but i won't roll around and be devestated if that's really the case. everything has it's place and time, suppose it's just not yet my turn. so for as long as i can, i will wait patiently for the right thing to happen. This applies to other aspects of my current life; i just need to wait patiently for my chance, keep trying and never give up. One day, i'll make it possible again.


"This time i'll be braver,
i'll be my own saviour.
Stand, on my own two feet."

remember me?

countdown: 11days to MYE.

well now, this is alot faster than i thought it would be. heh. revision's going along the track i guess, but i could definetely do better. had lunch with jess and denise after econs consult today and all around we see sec 4 kids mugging for their O's. i couldn't help but wondered out loud: they're studying as if their O's are tomorrow. and us? we're having a leisure lunch when our MYEs are next week. hmm, what's wrong with this picture?

jess and denise just shook their heads, smiled and said together: if they continue like that, sure burnout soon. i do wonder how those little kiddos will fare when it comes to A's and uni life..hmm.

anyways, an interesting thought came to mind today:
If one day i were to have selective amnesia, who and what will my mind choose to remember?

i think of the familiar faces , the memories i wanna keep, the people who have changed my lives, the good times i've had. but the thing about amnesia is that you're suppose to forget. so then, who and what will i remember? maybe it's more important to remember people than to remember memories. afterall, without people, there can be no memories.

imagine not remembering your best friend's face, or the happiest day of your life up till then. imagine not remembering your own name, where you lived, the people you know. it's actually pretty scary. and all the times you've spend with respective people? it'll become their memory alone. if they choose not to tell you, you'll never know.

i've been dreaming alot lately. 3 dreams last night and not sure how many the nights before. i do wonder what is up with all this dreaming. the weirdest thing would be that in all my dreams, there is this one person who appears. i'm not kidding. this person shows up in ALL my dreams these past few nights.

i wonder what i ever did to be able to end up dreaming so much about one person. hmm, i don't dislike or have anything against this person yet it's just weird to see someone so much. especially in your dreams.

oh well, if this continues then i'll take it as a sign. till then, i'll just pretend that my overactive mind is preventing me from sleeping well. i really do need to stop all this dreaming and waking up at 6 in the morning.

back to the topic at hand, i couldn't help but wonder if i've managed to make enough a difference to anyone for them to try to make me remember them if i ever did forget them. hopefully i'm worth that effort.

as for the people i hope to never forget, i'll keep them in a corner of my heart and mind. so that if one day i really do forget them, at least there will be a tugging feeling in my heart telling me to remember.

if ever comes a day where i no longer remember you, will you try to make me remember?

happiness.

the definition of being happy and what it really means to be happy suddenly came to mind after a friend tweeted about judging/happiness. they say it's important to happy, and that as long as you're happy, everything else will cease to matter.

in the midst of all this studying and complains of upcoming challenges i read on fb and twitter, i start to wonder who out there is really happy. i mean we all have our small little satisfying moments, but is it true happiness?

i think that being happy is indeed important, but i do wonder who can really say that they are happy with what they are currently doing with their lives. Yet if you think about it carefully, happiness is a choice that we can make ourselves too. So at the end of it all, is happiness a choice that we can make but is affected also by our surroundings and unforeseen circumstances. Or is it like a make believe ending in fairytales?

that's what went through my mind in 2 mins. i guess this is why ben said i'm doing well in terms of brevity. or maybe, i just have the ability to think too much. hmm.

happiness. what's it to you?

LOVE (i) ; what is love?

                                                                 Adele - make you feel my love

been listening to Adele non-stop for the past 3 days, and this is slowly becoming one of my favourite songs. it's not written by her but the way she sings it, it just makes the meaning behind this song come alive even more. i know she talks endlessly before she actually even sings, but it's nice to see someone of her success be so down to earth and normal. so this is prove that not all celebs ride on their high horses huh?

anyway, back to the topic at hand. i do realise this is something that i've been meaning to talk about, just i never got round to doing it. so i've been reading my close friends blogs, talking to them on the phone and hearing their small worries, big problems, etc. more often than not, the topic of love is mentioned in all the above ways of communication.

ah, young love. it's such a magical yet seriously complicated thing. :/
what is it really though? when you meet someone and you find them special. is it this connection that's being built between you two? and you might or might not realise it, but that person slowly finds his/her way into your heart. you smile more around him/her, you're more concerned about that person than you would of your normal friends. he/she is constantly on your mind and when they're not around you, you miss them. all you want at times, is just to go running towards that person and stay by their side.

so i hear when you're in love it's like marshmallows, blue skies, warm fuzzy feelings in your tummy and it's just good to have someone around you to rely on and turn to in your down times. it's not always perfect, but the connection shared overcomes all those arguments, disagreements and misunderstandings.

i've never been in a relationship, so i guess i'm not the best person to tell you what it's like. but seeing the close friends around me who are in sort-of-long-term-relationships, i feel happy for them. even in their down times, i can still feel the love between them. they are compliments to each other really. they give in when they can, argue when they must, then apologise and become stronger as a couple. yes, there is a tinge of jealousy (: but more of it is the happiness i feel for my close buddies when they are happy with their other half.

love is like flying without wings?
seemingly impossible, and very magical.

still, i know not every relationship has a happily ever after . i've seen so many that have failed before it even began, i've seen friends who couldn't let go, friends who cried endlessly for weeks and no amount of ice cream or comfort words could help them. the thing about love is that as beautiful as it is, it can definitely hurt too.

i guess whether or not we admit it, at some point in time, we all are in search for a person whom we can call ours. someone who'll love you regardless of how crazy you can get, and is willing to try and accept all your little flaws and imperfections. for those who are thinking it ain't that hard to find someone like that, i can at least tell you this: IT'S HARD. LIKE REALLY HARD.

suppose i'm still searching. i may have already found that person, but i guess i may have missed out on him, or maybe not. (this is why i say it's complicated.) no one really knows what's going on right now. it's just a blanket of blur and mixed emotions that ride high into the empty, quiet, lonely nights. i just hope that i haven't stupidly missed out on this person, and that hopefully it's still the same.

yet, inspite of this small, tiny heartfelt wish of mine, i still find myself being happy on my own. perhaps it sounds a little more like wallowing in self-pity and like i'm trying to convince myself that i'm alright on my own, to which i cannot deny that there are indeed times when it feels like that. BUT, there are definitely moments where i find that being happy on my own is something precious and amazing that not many can achieve. i do feel like that from time to time, in my sheryl moments (:

and so at the end of the day, i'm not quite sure what my point really is. i guess i'm just rambling thoughts off my head.
see LOVE, it's a special thing. something that's hard to understand, rare to come by and magical enough to change your life. so if ever a day it comes knocking on your door, open yourself up to the possibilities. you'll never know till you try.

LTC 2012.

hello world.

i'm back home again. actually, i've been home since yesterday afternoon but i've been too tired to get round to updating my space. so, LTC 2012. it's been a learning point for me. come to think of it, the camp is actually really short and there aren't many activities, but the lessons learnt and the friendships forged there are indeed priceless.

Saturday just saw us bonding together within our groups and our clans, trying to get to know each other and our facilitators better. then we had 2 trainings in our respective groups; tmc, cca leaders and cg reps. it was supposedly pretty dry on day 1 of camp but the coolest discovery i made that day were the bunks that we would be sleeping in. IT'S AIRCON-ED, WITH ROWS OF DOUBLE DECKER BUNK BEDS. the room was so huge that it could fit about 150 girls, like some major sleepover!

sleep on day 1 was pretty bad for me, cause i woke up at least 4 times that night. :/ i was wide awake at 4.45am though we were only suppose to get up around 6-6.30am. i suppose my body just knew something was going to happen, and true enough, at 5 am, our facils barged in, turned on the lights, shouted at us to put on our shoes and report to legacy hall within 5 mins.

so in 5 mins, all of us ran to legacy hall to find out that we had operation ''wakeup call'' i.e 2 hours of endurance training. doing 6 sets of planks, 400 jumping jack claps, 5 sets of 30 jumping jacks, 6 sets of 20 situps and unknown number of leg lifts, our head ic for operation ''wakeup call'' gave us alot ot think about. or rather, i felt that i had alot to think about. the most impactful questions are as follows:

head ic: "IN THE FACE OF HARDSHIPS AND TOUGH TIMES, WILL YOU GIVE UP?! ''
us: '' NO!!"
head ic: "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
us: "NOOOO!"

head ic: "THINK OF WHY YOU ARE HERE! at 5 am in the morning doing all these when your friends are at home sleeping in their comfortable beds and enjoying their holidays."

head ic: "IS THIS ALL YOU'VE GOT?! PUSHUP POSTITIONS, JUMPING JACK POSITIONS, PLANKING POSITIONS. HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A LEADER! "

and it goes on for the next 2 hours. though all our facils were strict with us, but they were still concerned and caring, asking us every 5 mins if we were feeling okay. operation "wakeup call" was a good reminder for me. the reasons why i need to keep going, why i must never give up in this journey, and how to prove myself worthy. all these flashed in my mind when i was struggling to hold on and not collaspe.

everywhere, all around, we were encouraging each other. "don't give up", "we can do this, everyone", "comeon! hang in there" . for that 2 hours, we truely united to push each other to our limits in the face of the hardship. "wakeup call" may sound tough, but it bonded us. then to our utter disbelief when we realised that after all that, it was only 7.30am. we haven't brushed our teeth or washed our faces, but we had a long hike ahead. so after breakfast, we set out at 8am for our 7km hike. come 12 noon we were tired yet proud of the small things we accomplished together. trekking 7km under the sun, we sang and did cheers just to entertain ourselves.

but we had a good 1 hour break after lunch so that we could freshen up before preparing for camp fire that night. the next 4 hours was spent practicing our performances and just having a good time with each other. camp fire night was emotional yet draining due to us having lack of sleep and the fact that it was the last night we had with each other. a last session with our facils, and speaking of the things we're learnt at this camp. it was pretty touching to hear that the moments we had were going to be kept in the hearts of some for a long time to come.

being enthu people, we all met back at legacy hall at 11.30pm and started playing random games till 2 plus in the morning. finally burnout and exhausted, we all went back to bed and await our last debrief. the last debrief yesterday morning was kept simple and short, with the most important line at the back that serves as a reminder to us of the things we would face in the future: "and so this marks the end of LTC 2012, but it's the start of the challenges that you will face ahead and the real beginning of your leadership journey. lead well!"

I guess i haven't adjusted back to being back yet, cause i'm still automatically waking up at 5 plus in the morning. i'm still waiting for the familiar cold water in the showers and the long endless talks with the girls in the bunks. not to mention the sound of soft snoring in the corners of the rooms. i may not know half the people who went to ltc cause there were 300 plus of us, but little things like this will still make me smile months from now.

LTC 2012 has been a good reminder of the things in life that will only come to you if you never give up and of the friendships that you can forge within 3 short days. (: perhaps it's also because i've been through failure once, so the lessons learnt really are closer to the heart for me as compared to the others. now it's a different ball game where the stakes are higher and there's no turning back. i will fight harder, and i will succeed. not for anyone else, but for myself.

bittersweet.

it's almost 1am, way way past my bedtime. but just before i go off, i wanted to update this little space.

i can't remember when's the last time i packed a huge bag to send myself off on a school camp ouside of school. i suppose i'm relatively excited for the 3 day ltc at sembawang. with the exception that the guys in my group can be a little.... (that shall not be mentioned here), everyone in the group is really nice and easy to get along. we should get along just fine.

on another note, school's officially out. and once again, i went to school today only for one chem lecture. yes, it's a slight waste of time. but june lects are always important and on the plus side, i got to spend a little time with the guys from 11s today during their break while i was waiting for the rest of my ltc group for lunch.

talking to the guys again is really bittersweet. a part of me is smiling cause things between us are still the same. we talk nonsense, they still are monkeys and we still laugh alot together. Ryan's still teasing me about stealing food from them all the time. Wey jieh's singing LOUDLY in my ears and being ego by asking if i miss them. Benedict is offering me advice as always and corrects EVERYONE'S english. Zhi hao talks endlessly with me, Edward is telling me all his little problems and worries as usual. and Liney is being the sheepish kid-like guy i know. (:

i suppose i've been trying to spend more time catching up with the 11s girls as compared to the guys. then Desmond goes on to say that absense makes the heart grow fonder. he isn't wrong, cause i realised that even though i'm not exceptionally close to the guys, i do miss them. and that's the exceptionally bitter part i suppose. having one Zhangyao in class now just makes me feel like something is lacking. it's the craziness that only guys can come up with i guess.

things in school and in my everyday life are in a way, different yet the same. i'm not sure if i'm making any sense but that's exactly how i've been feeling the past 6 months. different, yet the same. i'm not having it tough as compared to some others, yet it's never easy as well. there are new obstacles, old problems and the same amount of worries at times.

sigh, sometimes i want this all to stop and run away to some little heaven of my own. it's an urge to leave things behind and just dive alone into the unknown. is this what happens when things in life becomes slowly unbearable? when you miss the past and fear your own future... perhaps at some point, we all turn to escaping reality in hopes of feeling the relief that we want.

you may be strong and determined to succeed.
you may have what it takes to reach your goals.
but everything in life is always bittersweet.
at some point in time we'll miss the past,
we'll get sick of our present,
we'll fear our unknown future,
and all we want is for that empty and tired feeling we have inside to go away.