familiar.

sometimes i wished i wasn't so weak.

nights like these make me feel utterly useless and powerless over my emotions.

it doesn't happen often

but nowadays when i find myself starting to miss you,

i also find myself hurting.

that heavy feeling in my heart just won't go away

all i want to do is just to curl up and not think about it.

everything about today made me think of you.

doing the things i once did with you,

walking along the street we passed by,

the journey home with a stranger next to me

reminds me of the times you sat next to me, humored me, laughed with me.

things will most probably never be the same again.

i've accepted that.

but on the days that i find myself missing you,

i can't help but wonder what i did wrong.

it's so hard

having to pretend i don't care at all.

having to pretend that i'm fine with everything;

that life goes on.

yet i know that tomorrow when i wake up,

this heart wrenching feeling of missing you will be gone

and i'll be okay again.

that's the thing, it comes and it goes.

all those suppressed feelings eventually will break free

and tonight is just one of those nights 

where missing you becomes so unbearable that even my heart aches.

this really sulks.

what more is that you don't even know

or maybe you no longer care.

tomorrow i will wake up

and not feel any of these emotions that i'm having now.

tomorrow i will continue on as i have been since things changed.

i know you never left, but you haven't been around either.

not much of a difference is it?

suddenly i can't wait for tomorrow to come.

so that i can go back to studying and working for the things i need.

more importantly,

just so i can stop missing you so much.

so long, farewell.

there's quite abit on my mind today. it's been a really, really, really eventful tuesday.
and since tomorrow is wednesday, i.e my late day, i decided to take the time to blog a little.

today's the j2 farewell for choir. technically, it was my farewell too. for some reasons, i might be leaving choir early. hearing the juniors sing the songs we once sang is nostalgic. your heart warms up a little and though there were tough times, all that's left in your memory are the good times, the fun times, the strong times and the glorious times. i remembered why i love singing again. not in the choral way, but in a general way, why i love to sing.

not all farewells are sad. you feel touched rather, that these people are sending you away with their love and hope that you'll do better in life ahead. but some farewells do poke at the sad portions and old wounds.

i saw the 11s class having their photoshoot today, and somehow there was a tinge of sadness that overwhelmed me for awhile. that part of me will never be erased, but i know very well that my place is no longer with them. standing by the side and watching them share the laughs and jokes that i no longer understand is honestly, hard. very hard. but at the same time i'm glad that in the midst of the tough j2 life they lead, they can still smile and laugh. that's enough really, to know that the people i care about are still surviving and hanging on tight to what they believe in.

i belong to a different world now. one where i sometimes find it hard to navigate, or really ever understand. it's complexity requires a good amount of careful words, planned thoughts and watchful movements. such a life, feels a little like a lie but as my friends like to call me "social butterfly" they believe i'll be fine. they aren't that wrong, i hope.

and i seem to be on a streak for losing things today. i misplaced my ruler, my best writing pen and the worst of all, SOMEONE STOLE MY POEM ): the one that i did for the lit assignment, which we were suppose to place somewhere in school that best represents it's meaning. the poem that i pasted on pretty craft paper, printed a glossy photo to go with and even slotted into a plastic folder to prevent it from getting wet. IT'S MISSING. ): and i'm HONESTLY, TERRIBLY UPSET. ):
it has my name and class on it, so if anyone finds it, i would be ever so grateful if you return it to me.

yes, this is my MIA poem ):

oh and to add to the list for eventful. i found out today that my Nepali classmate from tkg days is NOW A MOTHER, as in she got married and gave birth to a baby daughter about a month ago (and she's my age, 18 this year.) talk about a shock, but i'm glad she's happy. and and and (yes, another big shock coming) my korean friend who's a year older is getting married after Alevels this year, in New Zealand i might add.

so is it just me or is life so much more than what anyone can imagine it to be? all the people around me are taking the most unconventional ways to live their life to the fullest everyday. be it not going to uni and opting for music/culinary school, heading back to poly after A's, getting married and becoming mums before 20. leaving home and everything behind to venture out to pursue their passion.

i look at me and see that i'm actually taking the world's most conventional route. Mr wong commented that MJ kids think too short term. he says we're too easily satisfied and that we don't have the hunger to want greater and better things. a short reflection about my life has shown me that this is true, for me at the very least.

there's so much more in this world that i need to learn and with just 56 days to promos, it's about time i start showing myself some of that results that i've been working hard at but never seeming to show.

this is becoming a ridiculously long post, but one last thing that came to mind;
take each day as a new chance, as your last chance.
keep trying, keep giving, keep hoping.
don't lose sight of the things you believe in
and don't forget the people who helped you.
if you love someone, let them know.
if you hate someone, let it go.
more importantly,
lift your head high each and every day,
smile your brightest ,
and no matter what it is you do:
give it your best shot.

s.

not another sinner.

something happened.

something that forced me to dig up a part of me that i've already gotten over,

something that made me feel the need to write about these mixed emotions i'm having.

but after 2 long attempts,

i backspaced everything i wrote and came up with this.

cause no one needs to know what happened.

it's in the past now

i just know that i will not let myself go through that again,

and that i will bury this entire incident in a place i never have to revisit.

so please, please just don't pick at my old wounds.

count your blessings, not your worries.

first observation: i haven't been blogging properly in ages.

actually, there's really only one observation. i just felt like putting the word: FIRST in front of observation tonight. yes, i'm feeling random tonight. another week gone. just like that i'm now down to my 8th week to promos. SOMEONE SLAP ME AND TELL ME THIS IS NOT REAL. yet the unfortunate truth is that it is.

i guess i haven't really had the mood to blog the past 2 weeks, which explains my really dead page. i do apologise, but there were other things that required my more immediate attention. things that i feel i must sort out before i can really get anywhere. NO, they are not dark thoughts or suicidal thoughts. just i needed time to sit and think.

i've been studying with xinru every day in the study room for the past 2 weeks after school, 6.30pm is like my auto timing to pack up and leave, 7pm is my current fav show over dinner. 8pm - 8.15pm is rest time and 8.15 - 8.45pm (latest) is shower and nua time. before i know it, i'm burried in my books again all the way till 11 or 11.30pm then it's off to bed and my day repeats.

i've been living life like that for the past 2 weeks.
its okay. 8 more weeks, just 8 more weeks.

tired times like these makes me think of someone whom i keep in my heart. but tired times like these also remind me of how lucky i am. what i don't have in a certain aspect is ALWAYS made up by the friendships i have.

friends who send me 5 page long texts to cheer me up, friends who talk to me till 2am in the morning just cause i really need to rant, friends who buy/bake me food for no special reason other than me saying: i have a sudden craving for that. friends who text me in the early morning when i wake up, dreading another long day in school, just to ask how i'm doing and to wish me a good day ahead. friends who take time to ask about the hardest things in my life even when they got their own shit to deal with.

the list goes on really. so much that is done by these very, very, very special and important people in my life. and yet i tend to forget that they do this all out of choice. they don't have to be here for me, they CHOOSE to be here for me. and that alone is more than enough a reason to treat these people with sincerity and to also always try to be there for them.

okay, this applies to the 2 guys too (you know who you are)
and technically, it's not that no one else was there, but just,
thank you for being there.

i've been evaluating a certain aspect of my life these 3 nights. the thing about me is that i only struggle to make a decision. once that decision is made, i usually stick to it till the end, no matter what. so if i decide to turn around and leave now, i know so well that i will most probably never look back to want this moment again. so the questions that i keep asking myself now is: sheryl, can you really do this? can you do this to yourself, to what could have been?

as of right now, i don't know.
i really don't.
but at the same time, i don't have the time to go through this war with myself again. the battle in 8 weeks require more of my attention. i shall have to lock that part of me away and just focus now. everything else has to wait till after this upcoming showdown (OKAY, EXAGGERATION! but when you've been through it once and you know what weighs on the line, you get that your life's pretty much at stake here.)

1 year from now, i WILL be fighting with A's and after that, i'll find where i belong in this vast world. i just need to get past these next 17 months and then it's going to be fine. as Ximin likes to say: "everything in this world is made better with faith, trust and pixie dust" or as i would say: ''count your blessings, not your worries."

HOPE.

My first ever graded poem.

sometimes i write poetry for fun, but never really for a purpose. so when Ms Hayati gave us this assignment, i was honestly a little taken aback to begin with. still, i gave it my best shot and managed to come up with this. the criteria for this assignment is that everything must be your own original, even the photo.

i think that this is a far cry from a good poem, but it comes from a special place in my heart and i do hope that people will like it. enjoy (:

HOPE.

Seeing your turned back
My heart grows weary.
An endless cycle. That consumes my soul.
My thoughts drift restless, to and fro.
These dreams so blurry, haunt my mind.

‘ You will never make it. Give up your fight. ’
These voices taunt me,
Day and night.
Yet my vision is set, an unobstructed view
On horizons greater than man ever knew.

Our Journey though tough
Shall have it’s rewards
My faith though shaken
Will one day be restored.

And as the first light
Breaks though Our Darkest night,
I suddenly see it clear.
Your hand in mine, that smile in your eyes,
I know in my heart that
Together , we can win this war.

playing with fire.

sometimes,

even if you're not playing, 

you still get burnt.

two sides to a coin.

another short one today.
i haven't really been blogging cause i've been trying to keep up with school work since the weekend started. i've been feeling super super super motivated to work hard these days, so i'll keep at it. sometimes i'm just thankful for friends like Xinru who stays back everyday to study with me. i feel oddly productive and the fact that i'm doing something to change my situation is making me more cheery.

these few days are still results and post mortem, but lessons have started proper and so have lectures.
it's 75 days to promos.
keep on working at it and i'll be fine. there's no time to be emotional now.
no matter what happens, i have to remember: there are 2 sides to a coin, as there are 2 sides to every situation. think positive. always.

on another note, tomorrow morning's my leader's investiture. i didn't even realise it but i've been doing this for 6 months now.
time really doesn't wait for anyone.

courage.

" it's not

what happens to 

YOU,

but how you react to 

it that matters."

on her own.

" and i wonder if she ever gets lonely, out there on her own. "

suffocation found me talking a stroll this quiet wednesday night. somehow i found myself on the rooftop of the carpark looking up at the the night sky sprawled in front of me. the moon tonight looks beautiful and yet so lonely on her own in that vast sky. 

she's calm on the outside, but the storm clouds that drift by seem to reflect all her fears and little insecurities that she tries to hide. the things she wished she could say, the things she knows are too hard to say. there really isn't any other way. every graceful exterior hides a story; something that no one needs anyone else to know cause we all think that we can handle it on our own. perhaps it's that way for her too.

see she's never really alone. the stars up there keep her company just as they will be there to guide her along and keep her strong but as my teacher once told me: anyone can sympathize, but no one can really empathize cause everyone deals with different things. so no matter how much they do comfort her, she's still on her own.

sitting up there in the empty carpark, i couldn't help but stare at her.

i wonder if there are days when she feels like giving up though she knows the weight on her shoulders. she knows what she can do but falling short of of herself is becoming unacceptable. maybe there are days too, when she just wants to call it quits. yet, this is her job. this is what she must do just cause she has a responsibility to it. and given her character, she won't give up that easily.

to stay that bright in the dark sky, she must pay a price. what that price is, only she knows and only time will show how much she's willing to sacrifice to get back up there again; to shine brightly like she always did in the past. if you did it once, you can always do it again right?

sitting there, i looked at her for so long tonight. so much that i see my own reflection in her. i wonder if she heard the things i wanted to tell her. and i wonder if she knows that just like all those stars around her, deep down inside, i still believe in her too.

yet.

my heart feels heavy tonight.

i can't help but wonder why?

school today passed faster than i thought it would and yeah, as we all expected, results have started coming in. post-mortem has started and GP results have started rolling in as well. the basic comments from our teachers are really not that good. well now, this about prove my previous theory about them "puking blood and shaking their heads when they mark our paper" right.

so while others are getting back their chem results and sighing over phy, we got back our GP P2. honestly, i'm disappointed. though i did rather average, but i'm feeling quite outraged at my marks. i mean, it's GP. i used to be relatively acceptable at this (like a D) and though my paper 2 has always been an S but this is one of the lowest S i've gotten.

i don't really know what to say to myself about this. i can only hope that my P1 went so much better cause i felt i did better for P1 than P2. to think this is only GP, what about my other subs? oh man, i really dread the next few days now. while my friend's younger brother in MJ got an A for math paper and B for phy (WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!? i mean i knew his little bro was smart, but REALLY?!) here i am, second time j1 kid and STILL worrying about whether i can get an S/E for math and chem.

LE SIGH.

i told myself at the beginning of MYEs that even if it doesn't turn out well, i would keep trying.

i told myself i won't let myself down anymore.

i told myself i could do this, i just had to believe.

i told myself alot of things.

saying is always easy isn't it? promises are easy to make, hard to keep. i keep promising myself i'll do better but honestly i ain't showing myself any results.

YET,

though i still feel disappointed with my progress now, i'm not ready to stop. it's suppose to be different this time, and i'm allowed to change it this time. they say you can make a mistake once, but the second time, that is a conscious choice. so i'm going to choose wisely for myself now. no more mistakes and no more forgiveness. cause i don't ever want to have to try to forgive myself for disappointing me again.

okay, why so depressingly encouraging? sounds like both at the same time so i can only call it that.

on another topic, today marks a month. 

wow, that's fast. i've been through a whole month.

i was right again.

i made a bet with myself that though it would be super hard, but i would still survive on my own.

sometimes i really hate it when i'm right.

so i hear i need to stop waiting and just do something about it.

"help yourself" they say
when you've tried and you realise that it's really no longer the same,
that you can't even save it,

then maybe you need to, and can then move on.

i wonder how right they are, i really do.

another beginning.

just some thoughts off my head.
i'm keeping it short tonight cause i still have school tomorrow.
so, it's back to school tomorrow
and wow, my 5 days have really gone past so quickly.
what i've done these 5 days have really made up for my lack of a holiday during june;
the people i've managed to see, things i've managed to do.
i'm alot happier these past few days
and i think it shows on my face.

so tomorrow i get back my GP results
plus i go back to the normal routine of lessons and cca starts this wed for me.
it's as if i've only just began enjoying my 'june' hols but now it's all back to normal.
tomorrow is the start of term 3
how all this time is going past really makes me wonder what i've been doing.
yet i know that my time will and shall be better spent this term.
i need to make more changes,
i need to become better,
and i suppose i know i will.