count your blessings, not your worries.

first observation: i haven't been blogging properly in ages.

actually, there's really only one observation. i just felt like putting the word: FIRST in front of observation tonight. yes, i'm feeling random tonight. another week gone. just like that i'm now down to my 8th week to promos. SOMEONE SLAP ME AND TELL ME THIS IS NOT REAL. yet the unfortunate truth is that it is.

i guess i haven't really had the mood to blog the past 2 weeks, which explains my really dead page. i do apologise, but there were other things that required my more immediate attention. things that i feel i must sort out before i can really get anywhere. NO, they are not dark thoughts or suicidal thoughts. just i needed time to sit and think.

i've been studying with xinru every day in the study room for the past 2 weeks after school, 6.30pm is like my auto timing to pack up and leave, 7pm is my current fav show over dinner. 8pm - 8.15pm is rest time and 8.15 - 8.45pm (latest) is shower and nua time. before i know it, i'm burried in my books again all the way till 11 or 11.30pm then it's off to bed and my day repeats.

i've been living life like that for the past 2 weeks.
its okay. 8 more weeks, just 8 more weeks.

tired times like these makes me think of someone whom i keep in my heart. but tired times like these also remind me of how lucky i am. what i don't have in a certain aspect is ALWAYS made up by the friendships i have.

friends who send me 5 page long texts to cheer me up, friends who talk to me till 2am in the morning just cause i really need to rant, friends who buy/bake me food for no special reason other than me saying: i have a sudden craving for that. friends who text me in the early morning when i wake up, dreading another long day in school, just to ask how i'm doing and to wish me a good day ahead. friends who take time to ask about the hardest things in my life even when they got their own shit to deal with.

the list goes on really. so much that is done by these very, very, very special and important people in my life. and yet i tend to forget that they do this all out of choice. they don't have to be here for me, they CHOOSE to be here for me. and that alone is more than enough a reason to treat these people with sincerity and to also always try to be there for them.

okay, this applies to the 2 guys too (you know who you are)
and technically, it's not that no one else was there, but just,
thank you for being there.

i've been evaluating a certain aspect of my life these 3 nights. the thing about me is that i only struggle to make a decision. once that decision is made, i usually stick to it till the end, no matter what. so if i decide to turn around and leave now, i know so well that i will most probably never look back to want this moment again. so the questions that i keep asking myself now is: sheryl, can you really do this? can you do this to yourself, to what could have been?

as of right now, i don't know.
i really don't.
but at the same time, i don't have the time to go through this war with myself again. the battle in 8 weeks require more of my attention. i shall have to lock that part of me away and just focus now. everything else has to wait till after this upcoming showdown (OKAY, EXAGGERATION! but when you've been through it once and you know what weighs on the line, you get that your life's pretty much at stake here.)

1 year from now, i WILL be fighting with A's and after that, i'll find where i belong in this vast world. i just need to get past these next 17 months and then it's going to be fine. as Ximin likes to say: "everything in this world is made better with faith, trust and pixie dust" or as i would say: ''count your blessings, not your worries."