yet.

my heart feels heavy tonight.

i can't help but wonder why?

school today passed faster than i thought it would and yeah, as we all expected, results have started coming in. post-mortem has started and GP results have started rolling in as well. the basic comments from our teachers are really not that good. well now, this about prove my previous theory about them "puking blood and shaking their heads when they mark our paper" right.

so while others are getting back their chem results and sighing over phy, we got back our GP P2. honestly, i'm disappointed. though i did rather average, but i'm feeling quite outraged at my marks. i mean, it's GP. i used to be relatively acceptable at this (like a D) and though my paper 2 has always been an S but this is one of the lowest S i've gotten.

i don't really know what to say to myself about this. i can only hope that my P1 went so much better cause i felt i did better for P1 than P2. to think this is only GP, what about my other subs? oh man, i really dread the next few days now. while my friend's younger brother in MJ got an A for math paper and B for phy (WHAT ON EARTH?!?!?!? i mean i knew his little bro was smart, but REALLY?!) here i am, second time j1 kid and STILL worrying about whether i can get an S/E for math and chem.

LE SIGH.

i told myself at the beginning of MYEs that even if it doesn't turn out well, i would keep trying.

i told myself i won't let myself down anymore.

i told myself i could do this, i just had to believe.

i told myself alot of things.

saying is always easy isn't it? promises are easy to make, hard to keep. i keep promising myself i'll do better but honestly i ain't showing myself any results.

YET,

though i still feel disappointed with my progress now, i'm not ready to stop. it's suppose to be different this time, and i'm allowed to change it this time. they say you can make a mistake once, but the second time, that is a conscious choice. so i'm going to choose wisely for myself now. no more mistakes and no more forgiveness. cause i don't ever want to have to try to forgive myself for disappointing me again.

okay, why so depressingly encouraging? sounds like both at the same time so i can only call it that.

on another topic, today marks a month. 

wow, that's fast. i've been through a whole month.

i was right again.

i made a bet with myself that though it would be super hard, but i would still survive on my own.

sometimes i really hate it when i'm right.

so i hear i need to stop waiting and just do something about it.

"help yourself" they say
when you've tried and you realise that it's really no longer the same,
that you can't even save it,

then maybe you need to, and can then move on.

i wonder how right they are, i really do.