we keep on waiting.

not really a want or a need in sight, just silent waiting.

funny enough how by now i should know where i stand, but after that meeting last week, we still don't know. and so begins another round of waiting. i took the time to think about what it is it with us and waiting, as in what is with everyone and waiting in general. have you ever wondered how much time in your life was spent just waiting?

waiting for the bus to come, for friday to arrive when you're only at monday, waiting for something exciting to happen, for a miracle to take place maybe? waiting for the exam that determines the path you'll take, waiting for your results. waiting for your first pay cheque, for the first time you drive, waiting for the time you turn 18 and become legal, or the day you find the special someone. waiting for your cup noodles to be done, or for your mail to be delivered. the list goes on, and we? we just learn that in every thing we do, there will always be waiting.

we don't just wait idly, we wait with a purpose. a purpose that we hope to achieve when the waiting is over. but the purpose is not always fulfilled, and sometimes we wait in vain only to end up disappointed or to be hurt. yet we always learn something from the wait, be it a good or bad outcome there is always something to be learnt.

the days go by with me waking up wondering if the call will come today, or maybe tomorrow? will it be now or later in the afternoon? i've heard somewhere that it's the waiting that often kills people and i think this is something that everyone can identify with. everyone has had that one moment where all we could do was just to wait and the waiting just left us restless, anxious. or perhaps excited and happy that it was coming? i guess it depends on what you're waiting for exactly.

the J1s now can't wait for pw to be over, and the J2s now can't wait for A's to be over. i'm not sure how i'm feeling towards this wait. but i've realised that it's almost always about us wanting something to come faster and for the wait to be over. i wonder why. and i'm also starting to wonder if what i've written here makes any sense at all to anyone.

judgement day.

i found out today when i was in SGH that tomorrow is my judgement day.

my parents are finally back, so at least i'm not alone now and tomorrow we shall all have to go and hear what lies ahead for me. when anyone sees this, i most probably would have already known what the outcome is. the thing is, in my heart i most probably already do.

if it turns out to be what my gut feeling is telling me now, then i can only remember this:
there are always options.
no doubt about that, but i shall still remember this journey and all the feelings i have now for years to come. this is one thing time will not wash away. but it's okay. i think i need to remember all of this so that for the rest of my life i can walk on and find my own way.

i don't know if i'm scared, or if i'm worried. i just have this feeling in my stomach and in my heart that i cannot explain and it leaves me struggling to find the right words to tell anyone how i feel. i'll leave it as that.

what happens tomorrow is beyond me, but the rest of my life, i still have a say in it.

and so with that, i would like to give this advice to myself:
whatever it is, deal with it when it happens, one at a time.

will we ever stop?

rain again.
seems like the most common weather these weeks is it not? my usual routine of being in bed and curling up in pj's. it's almost always like that now. not used to the silence in my house, but it's just me alone again today and for the next few days it'll be like that. times like these make me wish that i had a sibling, or a good friend who stayed next door or just someone. but with everyone busy with their own life and A's coming, it's just me.

nights like these are nights where people feel so alone. alone not only cause it's just you by yourself, but alone cause the world suddenly seems so vast and the people in it so distant. that feeling can be scary. looking out the window and the road is empty, wet and quiet. walking around my house suddenly amazed at how empty and big it is if only one person lived here.

i guess as much as i'm able to live on my own, i might not like it very much. well, we'll never know if the skill of being able to live on your own might come in handy though. so i think i'll still learn how to look after myself and all that.

ever since my last update, i've been getting texts from people. whatever i wanted to say to you guys, i've almost already said it all. but yeah, after hearing all that some of you have to say, i've realized that i have made some very precious friends in this lifetime and that always brings great comfort.

"you look tired" is the most common line i hear when my friends see me these days. do i really? i've been trying hard to hide that tiredness by double checking my reflection before i head anywhere. guess i'm not very good at differentiating how i really look anymore. then again, who isn't tired? it's common to be tired and look tired. life does that to all of us sometimes.

lately i've been waiting around just so time will pass. it's almost as if i'm just waiting for something magical to appear before me, a unicorn perhaps? but no, that's not reality is it? while some people in this world and so many around me find that there isn't time left for them, i rather find time to be hanging around me too much. i'm just too idle and no one's that good at just sitting around, waiting right? soon i will find time slipping by me too, some time this week i'm afraid.

seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years. will there ever come a day when we can stop counting time? whether we have too much of it or too little of it, we need to stop running after time and things. be it things society thinks we should have or things we ourselves want to achieve. won't it be nice if for awhile, just awhile, all these didn't matter? just for awhile, the world would stop. so at least we can learn to appreciate the small things in life.

my MJ journey: its okay to be weak sometimes.

tonight's (or rather this morning, seeing it's 1am) update is gonna be a very long one, and one very honest so do bear with me.

i found this a few days ago, a very interesting read actually. and it says a lot of how i'm feeling, the things that i still can't bring to tell the people around me. so i hope this gives an idea to the people who are concerned about me. and i have to apologize for not responding to all your concerned questions, because i'm not sure how i should do it and i'm not yet ready to tell you all in person how i'm doing.

it's an article from thought cataloug and it's tittled: it's okay to be weak sometimes. here's the link to it: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/its-okay-to-be-weak-sometimes/ it covers all the emotions i've felt about my journey in MJ thus far, a really good summary really. every emotion from joy to sadness, fear to disappointment, frustrations, acceptance, calmness. some not included in this article, but mostly covered.

and here is the article:
I was having a conversation recently with a friend about the prospect of having to leave France relatively soon to move to the States. I talked about how sad the whole experience would be — bittersweet, of course, but with a certain emphasis on the bitter — after all that I had constructed here. In so many ways, it has become my home, and contains so many places and people that I will never be able to take with me, who will have permanently created an empty space in my heart. I think often about the day when I will have to actually say goodbye, and my stomach turns over on itself. I don’t want to go.

“Just be strong,” he told me, “It’ll be okay.”

And I thought about this for a long time, what “strength” would actually denote when it comes to such emotional undertakings. In most aspects of life, a certain stoicism about the more difficult things we encounter is considered a positive, a sign that we’re coming into adulthood. But strength is often a very concrete, physical thing. It’s standing upright, it’s holding back a tear, it’s allowing someone to rest on your shoulder by not resting on them. Strength is a kind of resignation to the inevitability of what is happening around you, creating a port in the storm with your reliability in a world that is changing too quickly. When you’re strong, you don’t allow yourself to wallow in any kind of pity, you cut sadness off at the impasse and don’t move an inch.

There is a deep need for strength within us, for someone to reassure us that things are okay when everything is crumbling. We can’t all lean without something to lean on, and if we each hold our heads high just a little bit, everyone has an easier time. I know that to be strong in my situation — as it always has been for things which brought great sadness — is to be quiet, stoic, and appreciative of the positives. I still have my health, my youth, my future. There is good to everything, and to discreetly appreciate all of these things while minimizing the amount of emotion I let escape would be ideal. It would mean that I am strong, and am handling this like an adult.

But is strength, at least in the emotional sense, really always the sign of a deeper maturity? Sure, no one is helped by a complete succumbing to pain, but is there not a place in these moments for a certain kind of weakness? Weakness means crying, yes, but what is wrong with crying? Is it so taboo to be honest in confronting our pain? This weakness means letting others know just how important they are, how much they matter. Part of being weak is telling others, in whichever way we’re capable, that we need them. We are saying that we can’t do this by ourselves, that the love and support of those around us is essential for climbing the more difficult obstacles.

And don’t we want to be needed? Don’t we feel a strange kind of relief when someone around us is able to admit, truly, what is actually wrong — and acknowledge that they need a shoulder to lean on? We berate others for responding “I’m fine” to a “How are you?” when they are clearly anything but. We want them to be honest, because denying there’s a problem is the only certain way never to fix it. And yet, when pain gets too great and we are truly at a moment of emotional weakness, we are supposed to be the strong, silent type? It seems almost unfair to expect of us, at a moment when feeling the full weight of pain is most necessary, to squash it all down into some hidden-away compartment.

The truth is, I want to feel my pain. I want to feel the sadness and the near-burning nostalgia of leaving a place and a people I love, because it deserves it. Everything beautiful that we experience in life, when it suffers or comes to an end, is going to be filled with this kind of aching sorrow. But that is a good thing, because it means that it had significance in your life, that it cannot be easily dismissed like so many other things you let roll off your back. To be sad when the end comes is to pay homage to everything that was great, to all that it gave you, to who you are because of it. And yes, it is “weak” to cry and write letters and talk about your sadness. It is “weak” to rest your head on someone’s chest and welcome being consoled. It is “weak” to focus, at least temporarily, on the pain you feel.

But it is also wonderful. It is a moment in which you feel alive, human, and fully connected to the things that you touch in life. There are few moments where we lose or change or move on from something great, and those moments do make us weak. To be strong and silent in the face of them — to deny that they have touched you and will leave a great absence in your life — is to dismiss its importance. You may find yourself needing the support of friends and family, to be reassured and have your hand held. You may need to be reminded of what is good, and that the pain will subside. You may need to lean on someone. And that’s okay.

One day, someone will need to lean on you. They will have a hurt in their life that makes them feel everything they may have been trying to numb. And that day, you will be strong. Because strength isn’t a quality that we are all expected to embody individually when a bad thing befalls us. Strength is something we all share, that we give and take as needed, that we loan out with the intention of borrowing back later on. And when we are the yin to that yang, when we are crying instead of consoling — that is fine, too. Because a life without sadness and loss is a life without happiness and worth, and we all deserve to feel the full beauty of our lives. 

i read this on the train.
and so you can imagine all the emotions i was feeling on that very train filled with strangers. honestly, it was lonelier than usual and a little more sad perhaps. but it was also comforting to know that all the feelings i have are not known to only me. there are people out there in this world with similar thoughts, perhaps even tougher challenges and maybe a stronger will than i have too. but there is a common point, we all feel the same.

this was me last year:
" weak - to cry and write letters and talk about your sadness.  to rest your head on someone’s chest and welcome being consoled. to focus, at least temporarily, on the pain you feel."  basically crying non stop, an emotional wreck and quite like a loser really.

and this is me this year (somewhat):
"strength is often a very concrete, physical thing. It’s standing upright, it’s holding back a tear. Strength is a kind of resignation to the inevitability of what is happening around you, creating a port in the storm with your reliability in a world that is changing too quickly. When you’re strong, you don’t allow yourself to wallow in any kind of pity, you cut sadness off at the impasse and don’t move an inch." basically a lot stronger, less prone to showing my real emotions in public and more composed.

so you see, i've changed. or at least i feel i have.
what has changed is not the emotions that i have towards this outcome, because the emotions are still very much the same, but rather i've changed the way i choose to show these emotions.
i'm stronger now, mentally and emotionally. though i must admit a lot more weary too because this fight has left me tired. so very tried indeed. this article speaks volumes of the emotions and thoughts that i'm still not yet ready to tell anyone properly in person (except the girl who listened to me that day) because i fear that by saying it personally to the people who care greatly about me, i may end up being the girl i was last year.

i tried hard. and this time i really did. but perhaps it's now time to admit that maybe what i have isn't good enough. or maybe i didn't try super super super duper hard like others, or maybe i'm trying the wrong way. the outcome is not that i didn't improve, it's that what ever improvement i had is not good enough.

sad isn't it? i find it sad.
because there is a high possibility that i might have to leave this place, after 2 years with absolutely nothing to show for. absolutely nothing. MJ was my dream, and it still is. i wanted so badly to come here 2 years ago and even with all that i've been through here in the past 18 months, i don't regret it, not one bit.

the people i met, the teachers i was lucky enough to have, the things i learnt. MJ gave that to me. even though life each day was tiring because admit it, everyone says JC is a hell hole, and it may very well be true. but i still wanted to come to school each day. because in the midst of all the crazy (homework, fast paced lectures, assignments, hectic cca, tests), and as cliche as this sounds, i found joy in learning, i found joy in my everyday mundane and repeating life.

some people have told me that i shouldn't have came here in the first place, that i chose wrong. but regardless of which, i chose MJ and i'm gonna have to stick to the decisions i make for my own life, bear the consequences, whether they are good or bad. as much as we all would like to run to our parents and stay under their protection when faced with difficulty, there are some things in life where we gotta face ourselves. this is one of them.

and so even though my parents have told me they are not upset with me because they've seen how hard i've tried and even though my family and friends tell me that i can always rely on them, i know i have to do this on my own. if i don't make it up to j2 this year (let's be practical) there are options. options that i've spent the last few days considering, planning and researching on just in case the worst happens.

as my mum often says to me now to comfort me: "this isn't the end, you're still young. there are options, there will always be options. don't let this pull you down because i know you are still that sheryl who never gives up. you may need to take a longer journey, but what matters most is that in the end you will still get there. i know you will. " i hope my mama's right. a part of me knows she is, but the other part of me thinks she's wrong.

"it's okay to be weak sometimes."
how often is sometimes? how okay is it to be weak? i don't really know actually. but i know that all i can do now is wait, just the same way i did last year. but this time, i'm a lot braver than i thought i was and i'm also more realistic. it's not that i'm nonchalant, it's just that i'm starting to take responsibility for my own life.

until the day my fate is sealed, i shall hope for the best and pray for less sleepless nights. To the people who have expressed care but i haven't had the heart or right state of mind to reply, i'm sorry. i really am. and also, thank you.

the after rain effect.

another rainy night.

honestly, i quite like it. this weather has been much needed these past few days. i'm home alone again tonight, or rather i returned to an empty home. all the adults on dad's side went for a wedding dinner and i came back from dinner with the cousins. my parents being worried about my current state told all my cousins to drag me out for dinner. apparently my family doesn't feel comfortable with me spending too much time on my own now.

just as well. some company is always good, at least i get to see them and we get to talk. the train ride home alone was long and quiet. surprisingly crowded for a late sun night, 10 plus and the train is still full. i spent the whole journey watching the rain fall on the glass and people below scurrying around with their umbrellas trying to get out of the rain. i wonder why they don't just stop and enjoy the rain for a bit. soak in the feeling and the coldness in the air, feel the raindrops on your face and fingers. i know i would do that, and i can see why people might think i'm crazy.

the bus ride home was longer just cause i was in the mood for a longer ride. so i took the bus that would make me walk past the park, and down my favourite way home. not knowing today reminded me a lot of a feeling i always have when going home with someone. the feeling i get on that same bus, and when walking the same way home. that quietly comforting feeling that makes people feel safe and oddly happy. i guess i'm starting to hallucinate due to the rain. 

i like strolling on that specific way home, one of the quirks i have. especially so when it's drizzling, and so tonight was the perfect combination. needless to say that 5 min walk took me more than 10 mins. 11 pm and half the lights in my area are turned off, the park is quiet and the park lights are dim but there's something in the air i breathe and the puddle filled ground i walk on. something peaceful. maybe that's why i like the after rain feeling as much as i like rain itself.

or perhaps i'm just starting to talk rubbish due to my lack of sleep these nights. 11.45 and my house is still empty except for me . it's quiet here, almost a little lonely even. guess it's time for me to head to bed and sleep this feeling away.

11s417.

J2 GRADUATION 2012.
another chapter closed today.
their's more than mine, but perhaps in a way, mine too.
yeah, it's been a year already. a year i've spent away from my first J1 class. such a fast one isn't it? i'm happy to see them all come so far and grow so much in this journey though. they're almost at the end, with the last lap of the race to run till they reach the destination we all set off towards 2 years ago.

in these 2 years, some of us took a detour, others found more motivation and drive. whether or not we're currently facing A's the undeniable truth is that we've had a short but tedious run thus far and this journey has tired us out. but no one is ready to quit yet, we're all still hanging on and fighting hard.

the first time i met this class in 2011, i was rather intrigued by the dynamics. a class of 27 then in march, 28 of us is seriously big. people of every type could be found in my class, from the ultra popular to the shy and quiet, the the good looking ones, the ah beng looking ones, the pretty ones, the tall ones and the small ones. you name it, we got it. but that class gave me the best year in JC up till today. and i know i'll never forget that.

honestly, i now consider myself a little like an outsider. it's not that i've forgotten them, it's just that distance does that to you. i'm just thankful that i haven't been forgotten by the people who mean something to me. the friends i made there are still pretty much the same people i met and left. sometimes looking at my old class makes me smile. cause of the little things they say and do, the gestures they make or the comments they have. we always miss the old stuff that bring us comfort right?

yesterday was the first time i had a really honest and truthfully practical conversation with someone ever since i've been in MJ. there was no emotional outpour, no big excitement, nothing extraordinary. just honest truth, quiet contemplation, occasional laughs, a little bit of tears and comfort. the things that can be achieved only when talking to a best friend. i don't know what i'll do without this girl and i honestly never thought there would come a day where i could be so honest with someone and know that she would understand everything. she's a lifesaver, always is and always will be.

today, for the first time in a long long time i went home with desmond. it wasn't really planned. we kinda just happened to see each other at the bustop and since it was the last time, we went back together. that bus ride back is rather memorable. it was short, but the stuff we talked about was all so practical and ridiculous that i can't help but see us differently. as much as we've all changed and become slightly more sensible, we're still pretty much the same people who argue over small things and end up laughing cause we make no sense.(i know it sounds weird, but yeah.) it's just like kids who realised they grew up but the weird thing would be that it's only been a year and 8 months since we were considered children.

i met edward just now as well. a last time for a long time to come cause we both know that he has more important things to focus on from now till end nov. yet perhaps it's the fact that i know he's tired from a long day out with the guys, but he still comes to tam to meet me at 8 plus in the night and talk for more than 2 hours, that makes me know that i've found a friend for life (that's what he calls himself) maybe we might not turn out to be friends for life, but this is one friend that i'm also so happy i met in 11s417 and i'll treasure for as long as i can.

my 11s class girls.
i don't really know what else to say about them cause everything they are to me is so much more than they know. i really think that most of them are the most caring bunch of JC girl classmates anyone could ever have. always so kind and concerned, helpful and considerate. not to mention they have a seriously wicked sense of humor. i love them to bits.
my 11s class boys.
monkeys, nonsensical and at times annoying. but they brought a lot of joy and laughter to my first J1 year. all of them truly unique in their own way and yet all slightly, secretly gay (this is something they'll never admit). some i got to know better, some i never did. but regardless of that, i'm really glad they were part of my mj memories. it might not have been so fun without them.

i sincerely wish my j2 class all the very best with the final lap.
and for whatever life is about to throw our way when we leave MJ. it's been a crazy fast 2 years, half of which i spent away from them but they were still in my heart. some friendships that have been forged in this class will last a long time to come and the people we've met we'll surely remember years from now. hopefully a day will come where we all get together and look back at these days we once shared. every JC journey is challenging and tough, but the class you have and the friends you make can change all of that.

Good luck guys. i know you guys can do it and prove that the S4 series can do equally well in A's.
" The best is yet to come "

Adios, Amigos. <3

inner most feelings.

so very true.

so after 2 days of break, it's back to school for me again. honestly bored by the timetable for today and tomorrow. heading to school at normal time but ending at 9 plus 10am (for me). what's in store for us is honestly a little mundane because it's 3 hour long talks and more so cause i don't have pw anymore so my days are even shorter. Yet going through today, being back in school again, has been like putting my heart through the washing machine, set to high, full cycle plus tumble dry. in other words, shaky and unnerving.

it's mid afternoon and i'm lost by how absolutely idle i am now. it's as if with no need for studying there's almost nothing for me to do. even with the radio, a good book and tv for entertainment i can't let go of that anxious feeling in me. i wonder why it seems as if my heart won't slow down or why there are times when i get so worried about whats to come that i can't even sleep at night.

it isn't suppose to be this way. after that one entire year i shouldn't be feeling this way. i know i've done what i could and i know i've really tried this time. so why am i so anxious, so worried, so scared? there is this unspoken knowledge that i have of the consequences that i will have to face if i still don't make it this time. and sometimes knowing that there is no other way out is what is the scariest.

all the other J1s see retaining as another chance, it's almost as if they are welcoming another shot to change their fate and rewrite the past one year. but what they don't know is that doing it a second time isn't easier. 

the expectations, the fear, the consequences of your past mistakes are things that you have to pay for, at what price you will know when you've been through it. sometimes hearing them say that just makes me go quiet. cause honestly, i don't know what to tell these people who keeps saying that they'll definitely end up repeating another year and they'll definitely do better. i wonder if they know the feeling of having to do it all over. the journey will never and can never be easier if you do it the same way. i know that first hand and its a thought that comes to my mind very often when i hear them talk about repeating.

this past year has gone by so quickly that i'm not yet sure if i've actually been through it and i think that scares me more than ever. someone told me that unnecessary worrying will only harm yourself, but i just can't help it.

this mix of absolute dread and fear that i have makes me feel rather disappointed in myself that i'm not strong enough to deal with this. i haven't really been able to tell anyone how honestly terrified i am of the results come next Monday, except for now when i'm apparently blogging everything down. But perhaps my parents know me better than anyone and they can see that worry i have. they told me that they know i've tried, and my entire family tells me regardless of outcome, i've done my best and that's good enough. but what if it's not good enough?

i saw this somewhere today: " When i look in the mirror would my younger self be proud of who i am now? "

i thought about it carefully, and i'm not so sure anymore. i know that i'm responsible for my future, and that of my parents. i know that no matter what, i can only depend on myself to make it big and accomplish the things i told myself i would do. i know the ultimate aim, i know the things that i might have to sacrifice to make it there and i know that in the end all of this will be worth it.

it's just that looking at me now and how weak i have become, i don't think the younger me will proud of myself at all.