inner most feelings.

so very true.

so after 2 days of break, it's back to school for me again. honestly bored by the timetable for today and tomorrow. heading to school at normal time but ending at 9 plus 10am (for me). what's in store for us is honestly a little mundane because it's 3 hour long talks and more so cause i don't have pw anymore so my days are even shorter. Yet going through today, being back in school again, has been like putting my heart through the washing machine, set to high, full cycle plus tumble dry. in other words, shaky and unnerving.

it's mid afternoon and i'm lost by how absolutely idle i am now. it's as if with no need for studying there's almost nothing for me to do. even with the radio, a good book and tv for entertainment i can't let go of that anxious feeling in me. i wonder why it seems as if my heart won't slow down or why there are times when i get so worried about whats to come that i can't even sleep at night.

it isn't suppose to be this way. after that one entire year i shouldn't be feeling this way. i know i've done what i could and i know i've really tried this time. so why am i so anxious, so worried, so scared? there is this unspoken knowledge that i have of the consequences that i will have to face if i still don't make it this time. and sometimes knowing that there is no other way out is what is the scariest.

all the other J1s see retaining as another chance, it's almost as if they are welcoming another shot to change their fate and rewrite the past one year. but what they don't know is that doing it a second time isn't easier. 

the expectations, the fear, the consequences of your past mistakes are things that you have to pay for, at what price you will know when you've been through it. sometimes hearing them say that just makes me go quiet. cause honestly, i don't know what to tell these people who keeps saying that they'll definitely end up repeating another year and they'll definitely do better. i wonder if they know the feeling of having to do it all over. the journey will never and can never be easier if you do it the same way. i know that first hand and its a thought that comes to my mind very often when i hear them talk about repeating.

this past year has gone by so quickly that i'm not yet sure if i've actually been through it and i think that scares me more than ever. someone told me that unnecessary worrying will only harm yourself, but i just can't help it.

this mix of absolute dread and fear that i have makes me feel rather disappointed in myself that i'm not strong enough to deal with this. i haven't really been able to tell anyone how honestly terrified i am of the results come next Monday, except for now when i'm apparently blogging everything down. But perhaps my parents know me better than anyone and they can see that worry i have. they told me that they know i've tried, and my entire family tells me regardless of outcome, i've done my best and that's good enough. but what if it's not good enough?

i saw this somewhere today: " When i look in the mirror would my younger self be proud of who i am now? "

i thought about it carefully, and i'm not so sure anymore. i know that i'm responsible for my future, and that of my parents. i know that no matter what, i can only depend on myself to make it big and accomplish the things i told myself i would do. i know the ultimate aim, i know the things that i might have to sacrifice to make it there and i know that in the end all of this will be worth it.

it's just that looking at me now and how weak i have become, i don't think the younger me will proud of myself at all.