Shadow.

Sleep is always the cure to everything. Well not really. Meh.

Waking up in the morning to the thoughts you fell asleep with last night doesn't really make the day seem that cheery.

I know it's just a phase. I have moments like that from time to time. 

I know that it will pass

It's always the same feeling, for a period of time. I'll think about it and it'll get to me. My best friend will tell me to give myself a break and not stress about it. She'll tell me I'm doing great with school, that I'm not hard to love, that it'll be okay. That I just need to take a break and breathe, think about myself more in all that I do because I put others before me too much, that's why I'll be unhappy. She'll give me a hug and tell me to think about it when I'm calmer.

But I just wanna stop thinking about it and push it aside like I've always done and go back to being the me everyone is used to seeing - the me that smiles non-stop cause there's a lot in life to be thankful for.

Every time this happens I hate myself cause I feel weak. Because every time I think about my life, I feel tired and I end up crying.

It's exhausting,
Trying to shake off this shadow

Of being miserably unhappy when I don't even know why I even need to feel this way. Why should I feel this way? I'm not starving, or broke, not sick or that anyone around me is dying.

I am just unhappy

And me being so unhappy makes me feel like I'm an ungrateful person.

2:56am

2:56am
I wonder why I have all these thoughts lately.
That I'm so alone.

Even though I know so well I am not - surrounded by people who care and love me.

I feel so lonely.
Like a wanderer drifting, trying to find some meaning to my existence. For something, someone, myself even. Anything to keep me going: to make me feel like I'm needed somewhere.
I don't seem to have the will to continue the fight for myself anymore.

Nights like these are getting more frequent and tiring.
Empty house and late night thoughts.

What is this heart wrenching feeling I'm having?

Drowning.

I knew I said I wouldn't give up no matter how hard it gets.

But all the stress I'm feeling to be on top of everything and the workload that's literally drowning me,
I almost can't breathe.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I HATE THAT I'M BECOMING SO WEAK. That I keep crying because I feel so stressed. I don't have the time to waste crying cause of the amount of work to do.

But most of all I'm so fucking exhausted.

I just want to call it quits.

Status Quo.

"WE ALL WANT THINGS WE CAN'T HAVE.

BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING

IS ACCEPTING THAT."

- John Fowles

Admitting what your head already knows is sometimes the bravest thing one can do,

Even if your heart can't quite grasp it yet.

There are some things and people in this world, we can never have. They are the ones perhaps best left to regret. This much at least I know.

I've never regretted anything, anyone. 

and I've always said that it would be so, but these days I'm not so sure anymore. Some decisions in my life could provide the respite I've been looking for. But doing so will set me back from others - then again I've stopped being bothered by whether I was on par in life with other people. I still can't seem to decide though, what it is that I really want for the next 2 years of my life. What impact this will have on the people around me.

And then there are the people I choose to regret. 

I will look back and think this could have been such a wonderful "maybe" but the cost of that choice would be too much for either of us to handle. I've learnt to put the happiness of the people who matter to me ahead of my own. Simply because I wouldn't be happy if my choices made them uncomfortable.

We all want things we can't have.

The difference is, at least in this phrase of my life, I won't insist on having it my way. 

Everyone would be happier with status quo.

And I can, and will, learn to live with that.

Change.

Ending the week in a frenzy of things to do: it's the Mid-sem checkpoint and we are all in a mad rush for midterms, presentations, project deadlines and checks.

I spent the entire of Hell week one with less than 3 hours of sleep daily, several kg of milo (I kid you not, I am a huge milo fan haha) and working nonstop throughout the day and night. Lets just say I'm glad Hell week one and my 3 midterm papers are over. And now even Hell week two is over. Everything just flies by when you're busy yeah?

The thing about being insanely busy is how you pack yourself full and leave no room for anything else other than sleep, food and a shower. Sounds crazy, and it really really is hell of a tiring since I fall asleep instantly every night. But it leaves no room for me to think about other stuff - and sometimes that's a good thing.

Either ways, I took a much needed break tonight with some of the Uni girls. It felt good to eat GOOD FOOD <3 and talk and laugh like there were no deadlines and work (YEAH RIGHT.... I'm going back to them later haha) more than anything it felt good to just have a normal clique of girls, something I haven't really felt since the start of Uni but I'm glad I'm starting to find.

Some things are really funny.
The friendships I used to stress and worry myself over... they held no meaning once I found out what I really wanted, what kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. By then, it didn't matter what they thought, or how they wanted to treat me. I was okay with it. And with time, life set some other kind souls in my direction and everything's just working its own way out.

Funny isn't it?
Now that I'm so clear about the kind of people I want in my life, the kind of friendships and relationships I want to keep and am waiting for, it's become a lot easier to let some people go and to stop certain things before they even get started. I no longer worry TOO much (haha) over the things I cannot change. I just accept it.

And what an liberating feeling this is.

Not necessarily always the outcome I hoped for, but the one that perhaps I needed, that's why it's the way it is.

Whatever it is, school work is the biggest worry I have now HAHA (still not a nerd, I promise) and I'm glad that it's this way. It's the one thing I definitely have the power to change and it'll always be in my control, for the most part anyways. It's not been easy though, I have to admit.... there are so many days when I come back wondering why I chose the route less travelled and make life difficult for myself. There are nights when I'm so tired I wonder to myself "can I just give up?"

But there isn't regret, or second thoughts just acceptance that this was what I wanted and still what I want. For that reason alone, I won't and can't stop.

Feels.

寂寞光年 

Haven't heard this in such a long time 

till it came up on the radio and it's been on replay everyday since.

There will always be something about chinese songs that simply put all your thoughts into place

something about them that sums up everything you're feeling into a span of a song.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

是谁从我天空摘走了星星
Who took away the stars in my sky
一转眼 眉头聚满乌云
in a blink of an eye, the sky is filled with dark clouds

从来快乐悲伤都自己判刑
 all along I've carried happiness and sadness on my own

忘了我也值得被关心
 I've forgotten that I deserved to be concerned about too

一双手一个梦
a pair of hands, a dream

一路上不断的俯冲
keeps on falling though on this journey

痛到忘了要怎么喊痛
It hurts so much I've forgotten how to scream

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
Endless loneliness drowns my sorrow

我的世界是零下的沙漠
my world is a subzero desert

其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
Actually I do want to have the warmth of a hug

融化这颗坚强的泡沫
to melt this rigid foam 

漫长的等候让人特别失落
Endless waiting puts people at a loss

锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
sharp loneliness tore the sky

还有谁能够紧握着我的手
Who can hold my hand tightly 

陪着我期待消失的彩虹
and wait for the reappearance of the rainbow with me

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
Who changed the sunlight to rain

天灰了，快乐总有限期
the sky became dark, happiness always has a time limit

从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
always hidden in the sands of loneliness

忘了我也配被人在意
I've forgotten that I deserved to be cared about

一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
Walking alone, trying to reach a dream, but never being able to

精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊
extremely worn out, is there a place for me to stop?

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
Endless loneliness drowns my sorrow
我的世界是零下的沙漠
my world is a subzero desert
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
Actually I do want to have the warmth of a hug
融化这颗坚强的泡沫
to melt this rigid foam
漫长的等候让人特别失落
Endless waiting puts people at a loss
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
sharp loneliness tore the sky
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
Who can hold my hand tightly
陪着我期待消失的彩虹
and wait for the reappearance of the rainbow with me

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手
whose warmth is that, still felt in my hands

微不足道却那么重
insignificant yet still so important

漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
endless loneliness have swallowed all will

整个世界是沉默的漩涡
the whole world is in a silent whirl

有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
who will accompany me, hold my hand

带我离开空洞的星球
take me out from this empty hole

还有什么值得追求
What else is there left to pursue

还有什么可以拥有
what else is there for me to call my own

把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
Lending me a hug, will I stop trembling?

有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
Who can take away this beautiful sorrow

能让我相信被爱的理由
let me believe there is a reason, for me to be loved

Anonymous.

2:38am

Some Loneliness, are Greater than others.