new years eve.

countdown: 46 mins to 2012.
IT'S ALMOST HERE! 2012. the end of the world?

i highly doubt so (: , but we'll see won't we. so we've finally come to the end of 2011, and i only have two words to say about that: that's fast. i decided to recap a little on my soon-to-be past year. seeing that i've mention the year has gone by so quickly at least a gazillion times, it's time to talk about other stuff. this year, i've had my fair share of fun, smile, tears and laughter.

it's been a bittersweet year for me. i'm glad i got to meet so many amazing people who have given me lots to smile and laugh about, and i'm really thankful to the people who've stood by me, encouraged me, cried with me and laughed with me. to everyone and anyone who has made me smile and laugh: KEEP MAKING ME LAUGH AND SMILE! HAHA (:

though it's been a pretty tough year, i still learnt alot through each episode. through all the drama, crazy and failures, i believe i will come out stronger and may be a little wiser? ( i hope). ah well, the year is really at it's end. time to forget the regrets, cherish the memories and look forward to what's in store for me. time to hit the restart button (:

start counting.

countdown: 25 hours before 2012.

i can't believe i went from counting months, to counting weeks, to counting days and now i'm finally counting hours. i feel the need to keep saying that the year has passed by faster than i would have liked it. O.o no wonder i've been feeling old lately. haha.

today, i met with a friend whom i haven't seen in 7 months. yet the moment we saw each other, i knew that we both felt the same thing: time may pass, but what we have between us will never change. we didn't get to spend much time together, but we managed to update each other on the major happenings in the last 7 months. somehow after seeing her today, i feel very thankful. thankful that i still have friends like that around me. friends who aren't always by my side, but they are never far from my heart.

today is also the day when i finally decided to get down to clearing out my wardrobe and packing up my messy, war-zone like room. discovering all my old stuff makes me feel quite nostalgic, a feeling that i'm sure many will have at least once in their lifetime. i can't help but smile, laugh, and sigh at the old me. i was once too naive and quite foolish. i do realise though, that at the end of every mistake i've once made, i came out stronger, much more stubborn and i have slightly more determination. but i've also become a little more afraid. i wonder if it's a good thing. hmm.

countdown: 24 hours and 41 mins till 2012.
and i'm still thinking back on this past year. thinking back on everything i've done, every step i've taken. did i do the right thing? tomorrow is the last day of this short yet very emotional year. i shall spend it like it's my last, and try to do my best in whatever it is i decide to do tomorrow. (:

be who you are.

hey, i recently read a good friend's blog and saw that she's been having some... comments on the way she expresses herself and her style of writing. you can read more here: http://oi-tingah.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-will.html and here: http://oi-tingah.blogspot.com/2011/12/not-person-who-asked-last-question-i.html . i was reading through what these people said and no offence to them, but what they said was pretty much plain mean. i assume those people don't really even know my friend, so i decided to try and write about it. i am going to judge, but i hope i don't sound too judmental. haha! here goes:

to the anonymous people:
hi, i know that everyone has their own comments, their own special way of thinking and their freedom of speech. of course that means that you too, have your own opinions and the freedom to say whatever you want. but i hope you all know that your words were kinda harsh. maybe you are people who are very frank and straightforward and will never beat around the bush when it comes to your thoughts. if so, then it is understandable that you might, at times, not think twice about your words and say them.

but honestly if she was your friend, would you have said the same words without hesitation? (i'm assuming you don't know ying ting that is) if she was your friend, i'm sure you would have at least tried to consider her feelings, in spite of your frank and straightforward nature. IF YOU ARE HER FRIEND though, then you, i'm very sorry to say, are a coward. because you can't even tell your own friend your opinion face to face. and to make things worst, as her friend, you're hurting her with your words intentionally.

that being said, if you really are a stranger, then may i ask why would you say those words to another complete stranger? if i didn't know anyone that well, or at all, i would never pass such hurtful comments on that person. even if i did have anything critical to say, i would try keep it to myself because 1) i don't know the person, his/her personality and 2) due to 1), i don't  have the right to pass harsh critisim. or at the very least, at the end of it all, apologize to the person.

i feel that this is basic respect, not saying that it is A MUST. just that, i feel that this is basic people respect. if any of my words, as of right now, sound expectionaly harsh and judgemental to you, then i apologize. still, now do you know how she feels when you say that about her?

opinions are a person's own point of view and thoughts about any matter or anyone. i agree that we all have our own rights and freedom of speech, i just hope that it will not be at the expense of another person's feelings.

now, to ying ting:
hey! you already know how and what i think about this. but one more reminder: be who you are and say what you feel, for those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. stay strong. (:

yeah, so that's about it. once again, if anyone's feelings have been hurt, i sincerely apologize, because i don't mean to have a hatefest on you. but i still feel that maybe you shouldn't go around hurting other people's feelings in the first place. (just my opinion, sorry if i sould like a complete bitch.)

boxing day.

she, has the best voice ever.
her version of this song never fails to make me feel inspired and sort of hopeful. (:

                                                                 leona lewis - run

oh yeah, i went to watch mission impossible: ghost protocol today. it was a last minute decision, decided in 20 secs: 'let's go watch a movie' , my response: 'okay'. for those who haven't watch it, it's a really good show! (:

all i want for christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! (:
it's time for one of the prettiest and cosiest holiday of the year, and i can't believe it's the 25TH of DEC already. where has all the time gone?! with chirstmas already here, the new year is only a few days away. O.o the weather today has been windy, chilly in a nice way and just the way i like it. it's a good day to curl up in bed and read, or laze around. i'm very good at doing both. (:

maybe cause it's christmas, i feel exceptionally cheerful. like all my little worries and weird thoughts have vanished. and even though nothing is perfect, i still feel happy. lol. that word isn't really used often anymore, you hear people say: i feel good or i had a great day, it was fun, that was awesome. hardly ever: i feel happy. i wonder what ever happened to saying the most basic form of emotions. hmm?

anyways, here comes the popular question of: what do you want this chirstmas?
er... this year however, i don't really have an answer to that question. actually, i don't most years. i suppose all i want, christmas or not, is for those around me to always be happy and that i stay true to who i am.

cheesy and kinda hard to happen, cause obviously no one will be able to be happy always and i know i will definetely waver along the way. but, after years of thinking, this is the best summary of what i think i want (: who knows, my wish list may change next year.

oh, and to the person who personally delivered a christmas card right to my doorstep: thanks so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! (:

5 years.

not knowing why, today i suddenly recalled something that happened years ago. 5 years to be exact. funny how that scene replayed infront of me as if i was a third person. O.o i remember walking down that path laughing and smiling and i remember the person who was with me. though 5 years later, little has changed along that path and i still smile at that memory, there still is a difference: that person who walked by my side isn't really in my life anymore.

that friend once gave me alot to laugh about, but alot has changed since then and for some reasons, i suppose you could say we lost touch. it's been 2 years since i last spoke to him and we didn't part very well but under those circumstances, no one would really be too surprised. i don't really think about that incident anymore, but today was an exception and i'm a little surprised that i can still remember the little details. hmm..


5 years may be enough time for many things to change, but i suppose it's not enough for anything to be forgotten.

sleepless.

i should stop this insanity and let it be.
i wonder why i keep looking to hit myself in the face, and all i end up hearing is things that i don't really want to hear cause i'd just end up getting hurt. i've always believed that things happen for a reason, sometimes that reason won't show itself, and at times i don't bother to question the reason. but now i find myself asking: why make me go through all this, why do i have to know?

my curiousity regarding why people act a certain way has long died down, so if i'm no longer looking, why let me know? does it please anyone to see me struggle with everything that i'm faced with? i'm trying to figure things out, clear my mind, yet i end up getting more confused and indecisive.

and just when i finally think i can stop guessing, stop running in circles and get to know someone properly and figure things out, i learn that i'm wrong. again. here's the truth: i'll never get there. i've never accepted defeat easily, and i can be very stubborn at times but it might finally be time for me to admit defeat and stop trying.

as marr once said: just let it end. question is: can i?

yet another sleepless night. haix.

if i could do it over.

i think about this sometimes, but last night i had another reminder by a close friend. that person said that if everything could be done over, he/she wouldn't have chosen the same things. honestly, i have had that thought alot this whole past year. every step i take, i'll look back a little later and ask myself what i would have done if i was given a second shot. i come up with all the possibilities in my head, but in the end, i realise one thing:

no matter what i say or do now, i can't undo what i've already said or done.

i told that friend of mine too. nothing's gonna change, all the sad times, bad times, hurt, upset or disappointment. it's all set in stone and in the end, the only thing that can change all that, is your perspective. truthfully, i know that saying: 'change your perspective' is easy, but when it comes to doing it, it's really hard. how can it not be? i can say it, but the truth is that i learn that everyday the hard way too.

i get hurt, i fall down, i get disappointed. there might be anger, frustration and alot of grieve, and at that moment, i will never for a second think about changing perspectives. but after awhile, i look back and i realise that maybe it ain't all bad. i'm sure among those times, i once smiled and laughed. i'm sure there was a time when i was happy even through all the upset. it's just that i was too preoccupied by my upset to see those happy times.

i can't say i've never regretted anything, cause i have regrets. but they don't last long and i try so very hard to make up for those regrets every chance i get. even when it gets too hard to bear, i try to gritt my teeth and get on with it. and even though i know i may hurt someone, if it's for their good, i'll still do it. as sheryl lee once said: short term hurt for long term benefits, better now than later.

yet even knowing that, i still can't help but feel like i was too harsh and pretty much an asshole. i just hope that that person knows i have to do this, so that i won't end up hurting that person even more. it is the right thing to do, so then why do i feel so crappy about it?


haix, perhaps i'm having the wrong perspective again.

Can you hear me?

i'm awake.
i can't sleep, cause there's something bothering me. i'm lying in bed, and blogging on my itouch. this is a first. but i'm feeling very uneasy. something's wrong, yet i don't really know what it is. every night, I lay awake, trying to sleep. and all around, it's so quiet. i'm not super religious, but sometimes i pray.

hello up there, can you all hear me?
it's me again. i know i sometimes ask for things that seem too funny to ask for. still, there are times too when i ask for more erm, understandable things, like the determination and strength to follow through my decisions and face the future. But i keep forgetting another important thing. i need to say i'm sorry. i'm sorry for some of my mistakes, and the times when i didn't want to believe. though it's a little selfish, but i need help again. please let me put the past behind and face my mistakes. let me tie up lose ends and find a new...purpose. i know that i must also do something to change this, so i'll try too. just please, if it's possible, help me again. please.

thank you.

sun, sand and high on sugar.

i spent thursday out with the girls. we headed to sentosa at 10 plus in the morning and did ridiculous things as we usually would. the weather was a little crazy. O.o cloudy then sunny, then drizzle, then sunny again and drizzle and sunny... worst than a girl. ying ting tried to even out her uneven tan, but needless to say the weather didn't allow it.

dividing our time between lays eating competition, pushing each other into the water, slacking around and having a frisbee game, the time passed pretty quickly and we headed down to vivo to meet sheryl l, aaron and jason to have BnJ's for lunch!! thanks to their prom, we got HEAPS of ice cream cause it was really cheap. the amount of sugar we took was seriously..... ALOT. to top it off, fi baked us chocolate cupcakes and we all ended up having major sugar rush and going super high.

so we found ourselves at the rooftop of vivo, sitting in a circle, singing at the top of our voices to marr's playlist. considering the number of people who stared at us, i would say we wouldn't be that surprised if we appear on stomp. it was really fun though, not really caring what others thought and just enjoying each others company and music. i haven't had that much fun singing in a long time.

after our random singing outburst, the girls suddenly wanted to do jump shots. O.o so there we were, standing in formation and doing a GAZILLION jump shots. ha! aaron and jason are failed jumpshot photographers, out of the 30 plus times we jumped, they only got 2 or 3 nice ones. -.- but marr on the other hand, was super pro. every shot she took was us in the air, big smiles, wind in our faces. even the crazy weather that brought drizzle and wind and what not didn't dampen our highness.

approx 3 hours after our initial BnJ's craze, we finally exhausted ourselves and sat down to just hear the rain and talk about random stuff. we saw a rainbow though, it was pretty amazing. then marr and fi and aaron left and so the rest of us went for dinner. by then we were all kinda walking zombies cause we had spent the whole day out. tired, aching and a little sun burnt, we wanted to take the train from dhoby home but we realised there was a huge crowd. the train broke down... so we took the long way home via circle line.

we changed lines at paya lebar, and only then did i realise how much i still miss tkg. i used to take train from that station every day. seems like it was really really long ago. anyways, we finally made our way home at about 8 plus. between all the fun we had and the people we were with, the day was really awesome (:

6 girls, 4 hours, one topic.

i spent today catching up with marr, fi, sheryl l, xuan and ting. we met for lunch and had a good chit chat session. i was going to talk about a relatively popular topic today, but i somehow feel that this can wait. maybe tomorrow.

somethings can never be simple or easy.

home again.

HEY HEY HEY!
i'm finally home. after 9 days out of sg, coming back is honestly a little bittersweet. i do miss my house, but i suppose i just don't really feel like coming back to reality. so i spent the first day of my trip in bangkok, then 3 days in chiangmai, another day in bangkok, 2 more days in a little town in mountains and finally about 2 more days in bangkok again. to sum up my trip, i've basically realised that it's no longer flooding there, just some areas haven't fully subsided. and thailand is, in a word: different.

it's been 5 years since i've been there, and it's kinda familar yet really different. 1/2 my trip was spent in quiet and simpler towns while the other half was in bustling bangkok. honestly, i prefered the quieter half of my trip. waking up to the cold morning breeze, looking at the mountains and befriending the local tribe people. if you're wondering, i still can't speak thai, but with the help from some local friends, it was easier to communicate and it was pretty fun trying to speak the language.

we rented a 10 seater car to bring us around for a few days, so 8 hour car rides are becoming a norm. all i really did in the car was sleep, eat, look at the view and sleep somemore. translation: serious butt cramp. >.< we visited a few temples, the winter palace for the royal family, a waterfall, villages, the highest point in thailand and of course shopped a little.

i managed to fit a sunrise in one of the mornings when i was staying in the mountains, waking up at 4.30 am just for the fun of it. it was pretty nice, definetely different from the ones back home. the sun rose earlier and faster, brighter too. i suppose it looked more amazing, maybe it's cause i was in a different environment.

yeah, the trip overall was rather relaxing and i could say it was also a reminder. a reminder of how lucky i am, in terms of where i live and what i have. there were many kids in thailand that aren't as fortunate, yet they aren't deterred by their circumstances and work hard so they can have a better future. there isn't much for me to wish for right now, cause i already have what some others don't. so then, it's time to start being more determined and to start cherishing and appreciating more. nothing and no one stays constantly the same. so i suppose i shouldn't wait till it's too late.

it was a.... perspective-changing trip.

hello, my friend.

 well now, it's a little early for christmas huh. i agree too. but nonetheless, i went to orchard to see the chirstmas lightings.

 so today i spent the entire day with a friend. we spent the day talking, walking around town, eating, window shopping, seeing the lightings and i suppose just getting to know each other better. i've know this friend for almost a year now, yet today was most probably the first time i feel like i really know this person. walking around town and slacking around scape, we talked about our childhood, our friends, our families, each others likes and dislikes, first impressions and random memories from our own past.

some friends make you feel safe and contented when you're with them, i suppose this is one such person. even silence that's ment to be awkward feels comfortable with this person. and though that friend of mine may never read this, but i just wanna say:

dear friend,
thank you for everything in the past 11 months. all the extremely lame jokes you tell me, your crazily huge ego, your ridiculous humor and your quiet support. for all the times that you've cheered me up and made me smile or laugh when i thought i couldn't, i can never say thank you enough. you always tell me to never thank you, and you always say that what you do might not be good enough, but what you don't know is that what you've done is really more than enough. i made you a promise once, that one day i'll stand up again. i haven't forgotten, and when the time comes i will fufil my promise to you. even though we may not be by each others side next year, but i'll never forget that we're actually never that far apart. above all, i'm so glad i had a chance to meet you and know you. come what may, i most probably will never forget you.

aside from that, i'll be leaving for a trip later so i won't be blogging for awhile. a week out of singapore and a few days in the mountains is, i suppose, the last step to changing myself for the better (though this sounds really weird). but when i come back, i hope it's as a slightly different person.
it's going to be really hard, but maybe it's finally time for me to let some parts of my past go, so that i can cherish the more important and face my future better.

tomorrow is yet another new beginning, but this time i'll start will a little more faith and hope.
wish me luck. (: