if i could do it over.

i think about this sometimes, but last night i had another reminder by a close friend. that person said that if everything could be done over, he/she wouldn't have chosen the same things. honestly, i have had that thought alot this whole past year. every step i take, i'll look back a little later and ask myself what i would have done if i was given a second shot. i come up with all the possibilities in my head, but in the end, i realise one thing:

no matter what i say or do now, i can't undo what i've already said or done.

i told that friend of mine too. nothing's gonna change, all the sad times, bad times, hurt, upset or disappointment. it's all set in stone and in the end, the only thing that can change all that, is your perspective. truthfully, i know that saying: 'change your perspective' is easy, but when it comes to doing it, it's really hard. how can it not be? i can say it, but the truth is that i learn that everyday the hard way too.

i get hurt, i fall down, i get disappointed. there might be anger, frustration and alot of grieve, and at that moment, i will never for a second think about changing perspectives. but after awhile, i look back and i realise that maybe it ain't all bad. i'm sure among those times, i once smiled and laughed. i'm sure there was a time when i was happy even through all the upset. it's just that i was too preoccupied by my upset to see those happy times.

i can't say i've never regretted anything, cause i have regrets. but they don't last long and i try so very hard to make up for those regrets every chance i get. even when it gets too hard to bear, i try to gritt my teeth and get on with it. and even though i know i may hurt someone, if it's for their good, i'll still do it. as sheryl lee once said: short term hurt for long term benefits, better now than later.

yet even knowing that, i still can't help but feel like i was too harsh and pretty much an asshole. i just hope that that person knows i have to do this, so that i won't end up hurting that person even more. it is the right thing to do, so then why do i feel so crappy about it?


haix, perhaps i'm having the wrong perspective again.