Distractions.

Day 5.

This is becoming my outlet. The only way I can feel.... less tortured by my own stupid insistence.

You're the last thing on my mind before I sleep, the first thing on my mind when my eyes open. Sounds really ridiculous and so stupid, but that's what it's becoming for me. There's a nagging fear that grips at me. But I don't really know what else there's left for me to be afraid of, I already lost you.

Distractions would be really useful right now, too bad none of them are really working. Anything to occupy my mind would be good, anything that's not you. And yet the mind refuses to listen to any sort of reasoning because something always reminds me of you. Even the most insignificant thing.

All this is starting to sound like madness.
Even to me.
I wonder how will others see me. "Stubborn girl who just can't let go" ? Well, it's honestly a lot harder than it looks. A lot harder than what I see on tv, a lot harder than what I read in books, a lot harder than what you think your friends go through when you see them going through breakups. It's harder, always A lot more harder, when it happens to you.

Somehow all the advice I used to give doesn't seem to apply anymore. Then again, all the advice I've ever given to people, I myself never listened to. It's that way for most of us isn't it? Right now I'm just starting to ramble. Hoping that what I'm writing here makes some sort of sense to someone, anyone out there.

It's not that I don't want help.
It's just that no one really can help. It's something that, even with all the advice in the world given you eventually have to deal with it yourself, alone.
And it's not that I don't want to say what's on my mind. It's just that I don't even know where to start anymore. Or if anyone can even understand what I myself cannot comprehend: all these messed up emotions, heartache and the ridiculous number of times you can think about the person who doesn't seem to want you anymore. I don't know if anyone can understand how Unbelievably Stupid and Ridiculous I feel for being this way. I just don't know anymore.
Can anyone even understand that?

Truth is, this is a distraction too.
Writing like this is better than keeping it all in, rolling up into a ball and crying myself to sleep.
But the sad reality is; I still do that every night.

I Just Miss You.

11.11pm

I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss the way you look at me.
I miss your voice.
I miss the way you smell.
I miss your hugs.
I miss how warm you always feel.
I miss the way you always kiss me on my forehead before I leave.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss joking around with you all the time.
I miss having you near me.
I miss how you always make things okay for me.
I miss your retarded comments over the things I like.
I miss you being ridiculous and annoying.
I miss the face you always give when you try to get me to do something you want.
I miss how you tell me all the sweet food I like is diabetes.
I miss arguing with you just because I can and you don't mind.
I miss how you always complain that you have to give in to me, but still smile when you say it.
I miss seeing your name appear on my phone.
I miss the way I always feel in your arms; safe, protected.
I miss how you can always make me laugh.
I miss how you've been so accepting of all my flaws and imperfections.
I miss having you being protective over all the little things that happen to me.
I miss the fact that you're always encouraging.
I miss how you're always here for me regardless of where and when.
I miss you telling me how good you are and showing off just cause you can.
I miss your eyes.
I miss the me when I'm around you.
I miss how comfortable I am around you.
I miss how happy you make me feel.
I miss every single thing about you.

I miss you so much it hurts. so much that it feels hard to breathe and my eyes fog up with the ridiculous tears that I'm amazed I still have left in me.

I miss you like crap
and I'm hating myself for it.

Another night.

3.24AM

You always told me that if there was only one star in the sky at night, it would be Venus.

Another night
these 3 days feel longer than the past 3 months, how ridiculous does that sound?
we often feel the best and worst at night, simply cause night time is the time where things you never thought could happen happens but it's also the time when you can feel the loneliest and the thoughts in your head so messy and strong you feel absolutely lost and helpless in them.

Another night
where I can't sleep. Where I feel ridiculous and stupid because of the way I'm handling things. Where I feel lost and empty. It shouldn't be this hard. All I need to do is let go and go back to the way I was 4 months ago when you were just someone I knew. It shouldn't be this hard. And yet, it is.

Another night
of me looking at the clock constantly and wondering since when did time pass so slowly. Realizing that I only lost track of time because I had you with me. Its funny how someone can be such a huge part of your life in such a short period of time. But its tragic when they can let go of you that easily as well.

Another night
that I keep remembering all the things you've said to me and all the things we said we'll do together. It's like replaying a sad movie with a bad ending that you already know by heart. It's sad to know how pathetic I'm becoming again. It's tiring to keep pretending it doesn't bother me, it's painful to have to remind myself constantly of the reality I'm in.

Another night
of me wondering again and again:
How many more nights do I have to endure till my stupid heart is willing to try and let you go?

Breathe.

39th hour of no sleep
it's all getting a little blurry
and the tears are endless.

Have you ever known a heartache so strong
that it makes you weak all over
and you feel like you just can't breathe?
I do.

The first and the last.

26th November 2013.

25.11.13; the first and the last
so much that I can't seem to process, all these thoughts in my mind
all the tears that just won't stop
so this is what it feels like.
I honestly didn't know it was this hard
all the times I said to my friends "I understand what you're going through"
Truth is I never did.
Not fully, not till now.

It's an oddly empty feeling.
Like something's missing, someone's missing
I don't feel like talking,
just to let my fingers move across the keyboard.
It's the only way I won't cry
But I don't think it's hit me yet,
not hard enough.
All that happened tonight doesn't feel real
I don't feel real
it's all very real though.

All the explanation I have to do
to the people who have only began to accept it.
Tonight feels draining, drowning.
but I know it's not only hard for me.

I don't blame you, its not your fault
so don't apologize that it is
cause honestly, "I'm sorry" isn't what I want to hear
but I know it's all you can give from now on.

I'm sorry too.
maybe I shouldn't have started this without letting you know what I thought about us.
I just thought, we were more than that
that it was enough,
but I guess it's not.
I'm sorry I can't look you in the eye
I'm sorry you struggled so much this past few days because of me
I'm sorry I didn't say a word, because I couldn't without breaking down.
And so I'm going to put it all here,
all that I wanted to say but missed the chance to
bit by bit, everyday.

I'm sorry too
that's what I want you to know today.
I hope you know that I wouldn't ever trade you for the world
and I don't want to let you go,
but I'm going to try,
try hard.
Starting from now till forever
I'll keep on trying
till the day I can finally face you without this ache in my heart.

So don't take it out on yourself, don't shoulder the blame alone
For what it's worth,
everything you've given me is so much more than I could ever want.

Far Far Away.

Hello out there.

In one of those weird moods tonight so I guess I might start sounding a little down and stuff like that but I do suppose it's just cause I'm really quite tired today. Not really sure why I am either, all I know is that I feel physically and mentally drained by the people and things around me (which is really odd considering the relatively good mood I was in a few days ago). #girlissues I could really use a hug now though. Feel like I'm in need of one, and so I suppose I'm just gonna have to go hug my stuffies.

I guess when someone feels down, everything around them just seem to become dull and sad too. Even nice things no longer seem all that wonderful and we find the imperfections and unhappiness we didn't know exist because we were too happy to see it before. That's why it's so much easier when you're feeling happy cause everything will just seem.... better.

Spoke to Kat tonight for the first time on Skype since she left for Swiss to study. And seeing her on that little screen made me realize how very very much I miss that girl. When you're used to seeing family every week and suddenly they're no longer there, at first you don't miss them cause you're far too busy with your own crazed hectic life, but when you see them again it hits you how much you actually missed them, how many things you wanna say to them and every little thing just feels oddly wrong because they aren't with you physically. I cried a little seeing her in that tiny screen and I realized that while this was what she wanted; her freedom and her choice to study what she had always wanted, some part of her must miss home terribly too.

Funny enough at that moment, the other thought in my head was: I really just want to leave this place.

Leave it all behind and go to somewhere where no one knows me, and find my own way. Make my own mistakes, learn and experience life the way I can only do on my own. (guess everyone has had this thought before) I have it really often though. Can't deny it's a form of escapism but there are so many times when this is all I really wish. There's a reason why it's only a "wish" currently though and maybe for forever even... 

It's just there are times when it gets so hard that I'm willing to give up all that I have now to venture into the unknown. I sound really unappreciative of what I have don't I? Out there are so many other people who can only wish to have the things I've been blessed enough to be given and yet, here I am, saying that this isn't enough. That this is, sometimes, not what I want at all. Typical human nature, never satisfied with what we have. Spoilt and unappreciative. Is that what I'm sounding like now?

Yeah, maybe this is what I've become. A sad, and somehow pitiful person who is unable to see the good in what she has. It's too much to say this is what I want to run from. It's too much to say that I wish for more. It's too much to say that I really, really just want to leave it all behind.

And yet, it's all I can think of now.

Funny isn't it? 

How we humans think.

I guess I'm just tired, it's the only logical explanation no?

Vanilla Ice-cream & a lion named Lionel.

Meet Lionel C. Tan the LION!!! :)
Finally done with all my written papers today, just one more MCQ and this is OVER.
Went to Queenstown in the afternoon to get shoes for someone cause the school threw his shoes away (HAHA)  before aimless walking around the Ikea there and gushing non-stop at all the ridiculously cute kid stuff. SERIOUSLY, WHY DO THE KIDS GET ALL THE CUTE STUFF?!?!?! like puppets and elf shoes with matching hats and what not.

In the end I succumbed to my gushing of cute stuff animals and got myself LIONEL (I had him named and all already. HA) it kinda was for charity too, half of the proceeds from him will go to a charity in Sweden to help kids there build schools, SO IT WAS FOR A GOOD CAUSE , before you all start judging me for playing w stuffies at my age.

Picked up some scented candles for my room too! Really happy and excited cause I've been meaning to let my room smell nice. Got Vanilla ice-cream and some fruity scent (?) cause I couldn't decide between the two and cause SOMEONE insisted that fruity scent > Vanilla scent. Heh Heh. I'll light the fruity one when that someone comes over :)  I feel like today's an indulgence overload day; Got to satisfy my Katong Laksa cravings, buy some new scents for the room and spend time with a really special person. I'M A HAPPY GIRL TODAY GUYSSSS, plus my room smells like the Vanilla Ice-cream candle I just lit (YUMZ)

It's all going so fast. 3 years of JC, all for this and it's almost over. Time to start thinking of life after A's. (I FINALLY CAN SAY THIS) I never really did have a concrete plan.

I shall start tomorrow. Hehehe, mission: Plan after A's

Run.

Never really had a preference for this, but I could really use a run to take stuff off my mind.
And tonight's the perfect weather for it
so it looks like I'm going for a run afterall.

Liberation.

Hello out there.

Finally got round to changing my URL and the blog name, some layout stuff here and there. Feeling pretty good about the new changes, a little different and a lot less sad-ish? (in general) That aside, it's T-minus 6 days, 13 hours and 58 mins plus plus till the end of A levels (YAY?) I'm almost done with all of this, just a little more and it'll be over.

All the time here, just for this 22 days. Makes me wonder if it's really been worth it.

It's a little weird how I don't feel ecstatic that this is all ending. One would think with all the time I've spent in MJ, I would be flipping happy to finally leave the school days behind and venture into something "new" like I've said so long ago. But I suppose man really does fear and embrace the unknown. We fear what we do not know, we fear what the future holds yet it's with anticipation and curiosity that we choose to explore it. That goes for me too. I am afraid, but I am looking forward to the unknown.

Fingers cross my 3 years in this bittersweet second home won't be in vain.
Even if it really doesn't work out (I HOPE NOT) this will just be another start point for me. Some where out there, one way or another I'll find the path I'm ment to take. I've failed once, and nothing really ever scares one again after going through all that. Well, okay maybe not nothing. I do fear failure again but I'm learning not to take it so hard.

This is nice feeling, writing again.
Guess this means I'm getting back into the habit of writing again, something to keep my mind occupied, that's nice.

" when all is unknown
in the quiet of night
plugged in, surrounded by sound.
wind in my hair
and the endless, open sky.
beyond the walls of reality,
beyond what is known and what you believe in
is a place I often go to; Freedom "

When this all ends there will be more obstacles to face, truth to be told and the road ahead in life may not be an easy path for me to take. But at this point, none of it matters, because I know I'll find a way.

It's so close I can feel it, all around me
in the air I breathe;
Liberation.