The first and the last.

26th November 2013.

25.11.13; the first and the last
so much that I can't seem to process, all these thoughts in my mind
all the tears that just won't stop
so this is what it feels like.
I honestly didn't know it was this hard
all the times I said to my friends "I understand what you're going through"
Truth is I never did.
Not fully, not till now.

It's an oddly empty feeling.
Like something's missing, someone's missing
I don't feel like talking,
just to let my fingers move across the keyboard.
It's the only way I won't cry
But I don't think it's hit me yet,
not hard enough.
All that happened tonight doesn't feel real
I don't feel real
it's all very real though.

All the explanation I have to do
to the people who have only began to accept it.
Tonight feels draining, drowning.
but I know it's not only hard for me.

I don't blame you, its not your fault
so don't apologize that it is
cause honestly, "I'm sorry" isn't what I want to hear
but I know it's all you can give from now on.

I'm sorry too.
maybe I shouldn't have started this without letting you know what I thought about us.
I just thought, we were more than that
that it was enough,
but I guess it's not.
I'm sorry I can't look you in the eye
I'm sorry you struggled so much this past few days because of me
I'm sorry I didn't say a word, because I couldn't without breaking down.
And so I'm going to put it all here,
all that I wanted to say but missed the chance to
bit by bit, everyday.

I'm sorry too
that's what I want you to know today.
I hope you know that I wouldn't ever trade you for the world
and I don't want to let you go,
but I'm going to try,
try hard.
Starting from now till forever
I'll keep on trying
till the day I can finally face you without this ache in my heart.

So don't take it out on yourself, don't shoulder the blame alone
For what it's worth,
everything you've given me is so much more than I could ever want.