Distractions.

Day 5.

This is becoming my outlet. The only way I can feel.... less tortured by my own stupid insistence.

You're the last thing on my mind before I sleep, the first thing on my mind when my eyes open. Sounds really ridiculous and so stupid, but that's what it's becoming for me. There's a nagging fear that grips at me. But I don't really know what else there's left for me to be afraid of, I already lost you.

Distractions would be really useful right now, too bad none of them are really working. Anything to occupy my mind would be good, anything that's not you. And yet the mind refuses to listen to any sort of reasoning because something always reminds me of you. Even the most insignificant thing.

All this is starting to sound like madness.
Even to me.
I wonder how will others see me. "Stubborn girl who just can't let go" ? Well, it's honestly a lot harder than it looks. A lot harder than what I see on tv, a lot harder than what I read in books, a lot harder than what you think your friends go through when you see them going through breakups. It's harder, always A lot more harder, when it happens to you.

Somehow all the advice I used to give doesn't seem to apply anymore. Then again, all the advice I've ever given to people, I myself never listened to. It's that way for most of us isn't it? Right now I'm just starting to ramble. Hoping that what I'm writing here makes some sort of sense to someone, anyone out there.

It's not that I don't want help.
It's just that no one really can help. It's something that, even with all the advice in the world given you eventually have to deal with it yourself, alone.
And it's not that I don't want to say what's on my mind. It's just that I don't even know where to start anymore. Or if anyone can even understand what I myself cannot comprehend: all these messed up emotions, heartache and the ridiculous number of times you can think about the person who doesn't seem to want you anymore. I don't know if anyone can understand how Unbelievably Stupid and Ridiculous I feel for being this way. I just don't know anymore.
Can anyone even understand that?

Truth is, this is a distraction too.
Writing like this is better than keeping it all in, rolling up into a ball and crying myself to sleep.
But the sad reality is; I still do that every night.