Let it go - James Bay

Haven't been writing in awhile.

Then again I haven't had much to write about. Haha. It's been my usual busy, busy (make that really really busy) school life, with the summer semester being so short. 6 weeks are almost over, just like that. And all the big deadlines and finals are next week.

Kinda excited to just get this semester over with. And then take a good break for another 4.5 weeks before I leave. It's becoming really surreal now.

As of today, I'm at a countdown of 47.

Yes, it's going that quickly. Not long before I was telling my friends, 1 more year, then 6 more months, then somehow it became 3, and then 2, and now I'm inching closer to the last month. I've been having mixed feelings whenever people around me bring up my departure. But at the same time I've been too busy these last 3 weeks to really pay too much attention to these feelings too. It's quite a good thing I would think. After all thinking too far ahead, trying to predict the unpredictable can be quite tiring after awhile.

But I'll just be honest and come out to say, the reason why I'm here to write again, isn't because I'm tired from these few hectic weeks, or that my mixed feelings of leaving is getting to me. (Haha, yes I rambled all the above, but I'll get to the main point now) I guess it's a lot to do with some of the thoughts I've been having lately.

Lately I've been thinking: I almost can't quite recognise myself anymore.

Not to say it's a bad thing.

I think in this case, it might not be necessary to even put an emotion down to this. It's just a matter that I've become..... alot better at just letting things go in general. (a not so nice way to say it is that I might have become a little more heartless haha) So much so that sometimes at night, before I sleep, I can't help but wonder what exactly is becoming of me.


The me that used to care so much about whether I had hurt the feelings of another person, for fear that they would feel what I once felt.
The me that would worry excessively about other people, even though I didn't need to.
The me that would want to protect the friends I cared for most,
The me that couldn't and wouldn't have been able to turn a blind eye to the people I could never reciprocate feelings for.
The me that might not have been able to accept the situation I am in right now.


Right now, I'm no longer that person.

Not to say that I've become the opposite of what I was....... it's just......I guess I can now better accept that there are things I can't change, people I will hurt, friends that won't be able to stay no matter how much I try.
That I still can get hurt whenever I invest myself into people, friends, things (but that I am also more forgiving towards myself now, when things don't work out)
I accept that people will leave, and not necessarily because I've done anything to them, but simply because I couldn't give them what they had wanted from me.


To be frank, I quite like this version of me a little better.
Don't get me wrong, I still care a great deal. I still wish the people who are in my life, and those that are no longer, the best of luck with everything. I hope they'll always be well. Even as life goes on, I sometimes still stop to remember people from the past, or even the people who are still in my life but maybe we aren't as close as we used to be. I just move on from these little pockets of past memories much quicker than the old me would have. I now can actually say, I will be okay when people leave me, because I'm hardened by it.

My so call "change", if I can even call it that,
It's just growing up, becoming more mature and less affected by little minute things. I know.
Still, a little part of me is worried: that I might become heartless one day.

I'm afraid I'll forget one of the most important things to me: is to empathize with the feelings and thoughts of others. That if only I can try to think a little more from their perspective, I'll know why they act in a certain way, or say things they don't quite mean. I'll be able to understand why certain things in my life have ended up the way they are now.

What if one day I stop wanting to empathize with other people? I'm slowly becoming a little like that, a little more selfish. I've stopped putting in the effort to keep some important people in my life - giving the excuse that I can't stop them from feeling the way they do and if I've tried and it doesn't work, I should just stop trying.

Someone who turns their back against others, who gives up on things in life and people too easily - That's not the kind of person I want to be.


Quite truthfully, there isn't a conclusion thought to my ramblings.
Usually why I write is to help me sort it all out (a little at least) and I can find a grounding to where I stand. But today I have nothing.

And funny enough, I am.... okay with that.

I guess I just hope that I'll always remember the person I want to be.
That no matter how much the world, people and things around me change, I will remember to stay true to myself.

Maybe that's a sort of conclusion? I don't really know too.
If you've had the patience to read up till this point, I sincerely thank you. And for my relentless rambling, I would give my apologies. I feel like my thoughts have been growing a lot older these few years, and people tend to talk more when they get older (haha)

T-minus 65.

65 more days.

Is it weird to say that I'm not that prepared? haha. There's so much to do and honestly, so much I haven't done - visa matters for one is so important, and my mods too haven't been confirmed, confirmed.

Rachel came over on Sunday cause she had some stuff that she wanted to talk to me about. So basically we had a pretty long HTHT, things that are pretty personal. I'm just just glad she's getting better everyday.

She said a lot of stuff that I essentially agree with as well (guess that's why we get along so well to begin with right) haha. But yeah, she suggested some things to me, that upon reflection makes a lot of sense.

65 more days till approximately 22 weeks.

And if some stuff changes (cause whose to say) it might become 42 weeks... that's a long time to be away. Things can change in a span of a week let alone in 22 weeks. So yeah, it is best to leave with no attatchment. Right? Right.

Pulling too many late nights these few weeks.
School in a couple of hours and here I am at 2 am, still awake mehh. Time to try and shut off my brain and get some rest.

03:51am

Everyone has days like that.

It's something that everyone will know once in their lifetime: Will I ever be good enough?

Maybe I never will, to the people who might matter the most.

Yet oddly enough I'm coming to terms with it: that I'm better off this way on my own.

The idea of Love, has always been something too out of reach for me anyways.

05:06am.

And I do wonder, if being afraid means that something is important to you.

Being honest about how you feel, is a lot harder than I remembered (or is that just me?) I choose to believe that's something that most normal humans struggle with.

I feel a little weird tonight.

Not exactly sure what this slightly empty feeling in my chest is,

I'm not exactly sure why it is there to begin with. 

What is this I'm feeling....

Not exactly sure why it was hard to say Goodbye

when I knew it was going to happen eventually.

I'm not exactly sure why I asked that question, when the normal me would just have kept quiet and let it slide. Not exactly sure what it is that makes it harder to leave each time. Not exactly sure why it hovers around my mind even when I'm busy, nor why I concern myself with it when it isn't my place to.

It's a little Hazy, all of it.

Knowing what is right and being able to do it without hesitation can sometimes be such a difficult thing. Everything that happened now seems like an illusion. The only real thing I am sure of perhaps, is that I am strong. Just like what was said to me, I'll be alright - everything has always only been a matter of time. Right? 

So whatever this is I'm feeling.

Or whatever all these different feelings I'm having are: I'll pack them up, lock them away and keep them safe where no one will know - cause that is what's expected of me. 

Wish I could sleep though, feeling so tired but my mind won't shut off.... All my rolling around in bed is only making it worse. It's been such a long night, so much so that I feel like I'm dreaming. And the thing about dreaming is that eventually, we'll have to wake up.

A photo of the night sky taken by a friend in Australia

Hello.

It's me.

Well yeah, it has to be haha, since this is my little space after all. Almost been a month since I was here - I decided that maybe I needed to stop writing down all those depressing and upset feelings because they weren't really offloading for me, but rather becoming a greater reminder.

So.....
for the last 25 days I've just been shelving everything and anything that I've been feeling. Good or bad, at the end of the day I hit delete and momentarily, I don't let it affect me - AT ALL. Admittedly, me being busy has helped greatly. The semester is ending, meaning everything is speeding up once again. I've finished quite abit this few weeks: presentations, reports, exams, quizes, school work, family stuff, volunteering. Being busy is good. I like being busy.

It's also been a little rough too.
I saw the friend that drifted from me in the last few months - and I realised "wow this is hard" to know someone so well back then but it's like we can't even say hello now? Then also I realised that it didn't hurt as much as it used to. I was upset. But I know that friend is doing well with life - and if for some reason I am no longer needed in that life, I am now okay to accept it and wish them the best.

People come, people go.
Oddly enough, I get over it faster every single time - the disappointment that comes from being too attached to others. Guess practice really makes everything perfect, soon to come I might not even feel a thing when people leave me. (that came out a lot more depressing than I had expected haha but it's true, and also a part of life)

Good things have happened too. Unexpected good things.
Things that have made me realised I've left the past behind and I'm ready again. Of course, I'm still skeptical as always and also Afraid - as I should be I guess. But I promised myself in February that I would try to be more hopeful than careful. So I'll have a little faith and just see where it goes, for the first time in a long time I don't want to pass up on this feeling - I might regret it.

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On a side note, I'm 3.5 months away from leaving.

I'm not quite sure what to make of that - excited, nervous? Admittedly, it's mainly a quiet happiness in me.

After so long, it's finally happening. 

I've always wanted to just leave everything behind for a bit - to be alone from all that I hold dear and all that I'm familiar with. It's not just Wanderlust, I've realised. It's just me wanting to go out there and see things beyond my little world.

I'd like to meet different people, see sights I never knew (good and bad), experience things.
Do all of it.

Perhaps it's comforting to know that my mentality has changed now.
3 years ago, I wanted to leave because it would mean escape from the things that haunted me - my supposed failure in studies, in my relationship, seeing death and losing sight of myself in the midst of everything. Right now I want to leave for the bigger things that await me.

This time, I won't be leaving memories or people behind.

This time, it'll just be discovering me.

00:45

To be honest, it feels pretty constant.

Like a space you know you can't fill, no matter how much you try. That's what it's like when you lose a friend you've grown too used to having around.

"I've discovered a moment in my life where your absence was evident. 

I'm admitting that I can't do certain things without thinking about you,

 and who you are, and the memories we have."

03:26

It's the people you miss out of nowhere, in the middle of the day, when you're busy as crap in your hectic life, when you're in the middle of a laugh and you pause short, cause it hits you hard - even though it shouldn't.

Those are the people that made the difference.

In the words of another person, I'm most probably emo as fuck (pardon the language) hahaha. I promise I'm happy most of the time. All this "depressing talk" is just a side of me I no longer confide in other people anymore. Sad. But True. I realized no one really cares anyways, and even if they did, you'd unknowingly expect them to try and help you if they're your really really really close friends (because you'd do the same for them) and then when they don't, that's another round of disappointment to face. So, might as well just deal with it on my own.

For the most part, I end up here writing my heart and soul out - I'm sorry I sound depressing, again, I'm not haha. But I do need an outlet, to unload all my crappy emotions and demon thoughts. This place is that. Okay and also, maybe twitter.

I've been thinking (yeah, again, as usual haha) Honestly, I wonder why I give so much of a fuck to people who obviously don't. (Again, sorry, pardon the language. I suddenly am very in need to let out a few curses to get my point across and express my level of frustration with myself) Who are they, to have that great an effect on me?

Why?

I ask myself that all the time.

And the reason? I care too much, thinking my sincerity and friendship will be reciprocated.
Treat others the way you want to be treated right? Wrong. That only applies to other cases, of which it's teaching you to not be rude or mean or offensive to others. The reality is, I get overly attached, to people who seem so genuine (and maybe they were, but they decided not to be anymore) and then I keep giving. I don't know where to stop. CORRECTION: I do, I just still keep giving, and doing and reaching out to them.

Well, the result? I get majorly Fucked.
It's not their fault or responsibility. It's mine. I shouldn't trust people too much, we change. I shouldn't take things too hard, people grow apart and get left behind everyday. Everyone loses someone - even the people they thought they never would.

My problems are too petty in a world so filled with grief.

I'm getting tired of telling myself to: Fuck it and sua.
Also getting tired of reminding myself repeatedly to not care, not be concerned, not try or reach out. Not worry or lose sleep over things like that, not be sad about it, NOT TO CRY OVER IT. It's harder than it sounds (just like always)

Emotions should come with an off/on switch.
That would make life so much easier for me - for the most part I'd like keep them off.

01:19

" I think my greatest flaw is that

I care too much.

About things, and people."

Honestly, I wish I didn't care.

But it haunts me and I just can't snap out of it.

Some days life gets really overwhelming and tiring. 

Everything just seems to be going wrong all at once and you feel so so shitty and so so alone. 

When that happens, it's good to just let yourself cry. 

Cry really really hard. 

Cry without having to explain yourself. 

And sometimes if it's bad, you'll have to cry more than once. 

But however many times it takes, just let it all out

Until you're exhausted and then sleep all the frustration, stress and hurt away. 

Then when you wake up try and tell yourself to be positive: Everything's gonna be okay. 

You're gonna be okay. 

Because you're stronger than that. 

21:32

Just woke up and it feels like I've lost my sense of time.

I slept for 14 hours last night, woke up for 1.5 hours to see the doctor and I came home to sleep for another 4.5 hours. Sleeping so much it's crazy, but all I wanna do is sleep.

It's weird how when you're sick you have a tendency to cry a lot more. Mehh, is it a girl thing? It just sucks and I wanna keep sleeping till everything just goes away.

Dear Friend.

01:16am

I found the old conversations we had when I was searching through whatsapp's search box for a list of things someone told me about before. Out came a conversation between us from 7 months back and I opened it.

We are different now.
I mean, I have acknowledged that. Both to myself and other friends, our friends even, that things between us are no longer the same. But reading back to then, I really, really felt my heart ache. And what a sad feeling that was.

Dear Friend,
I'm trying hard everyday to accept things for the way they are now. I'm trying to get on with life even though I don't have the answers to the questions I want to ask you. I'm trying to just be satisfied with what's left between us.

Growing distant from people, I've realised, if it was a mutual thing is considered acceptable and understandable. Life happens and people grow apart as they grow older. But when only one party decides that what's there is no longer as important and distances themselves, then things become a little more complicated.

To be honest, I don't need the answers to my questions. Those questions aren't that important anyways: why we've become like that? did I do something wrong? It all doesn't matter unless knowing about them can bring us back to how we were. But then, looking at us now. I don't think it's possible.

It's awkward trying to hold a conversation with you even in the presence of our friends. I feel weird. A feeling as if I know you don't really wanna talk to me, but you are just trying to. And that weird feeling makes me feel weird trying to talk to you - and so I'd rather just not look at you so I don't have to try having a conversation.

How did it end up like that? From having endless things to talk about to finding it hard to hold a convo.  Fate is so funny........ We went from acquaintances who never even spoke a word to each other, to friends that talked non-stop, and now we are people who don't know how to continue on.

I figured this actually doesn't bother you at all. I know you're okay with how things are. I know that most probably, it's just me feeling this odd and somewhat ridiculous sense of loss. Maybe that's how important you are.

Dear Friend,

There's so much I've been wanting to tell you and to talk to you about, but it seems like it'll be dumb to tell you now cause you're most probably not interested anymore anyways. It's okay, I'll hold back the urge and I won't disturb you.

Just know that I miss you.
I really, really, really miss you. A lot.

April 19th.

Coincidentally, the day my best friend was born.
But this reminder for April 19th, I believe, is something I need now more than ever.

I spent the day reading back what I've be writing about, the past months. From mid August, after my birthday till now.

I haven't really written much, maybe about 10 posts or so. The interesting thing is seeing my emotional change throughout the last 7 months - how I felt at different points that period.

Sometimes when you get busy with life you tend to forget the things that have happened. We only focus on the immediate things that excite us, hurt us or occupy our minds. Looking back now I start remembering things and feelings I had back then that I've forgotten and can I just say what a nice feeling this is to remember. It's essentially why I write.
I write to remember the good and the bad, how I'm feeling about things and people. It's my outlet when my brain gets too clouded, but also a vault to store the incidents and process of "growing up"

Reading back on the last 7 months, I've seen myself feel thankful, lonely, happy, exhausted, hurt, contended, apologetic, excited and also possibly having the courage to have feelings for another person again.
It has been an odd process really, reading all that emotion all at once. And also can I just say : WE GIRLS ARE SO EMOTIONAL MY GOODNESS hahaha (for the record I've always known and admitted that to everyone okay, just that reading what I've written the last 7 months is more so than ever)

We humans have a tendency of looking at things as a microscopic level. 
Everything has always been about now. How I feel now, what’s happening now, what I need to do now, the words people say now, the way people behave now. For me at least, I sometimes am like that - only focused on the now.

Funny thing is when I zoom out and look at everything in a bigger picture - how my life has spanned out this 7 months. Much has happened, even though I haven’t written all of it down, but reading some of it is bringing back memories that have slipped out the crevasses of my mind just because I was so occupied by other things.

These few weeks I’ve been occupied with the piling school work (it is mid semester, the crazy is about to come full force) and also the friendship and people that I thought I was losing.....maybe I really am losing them, who's to know? But I’ve just been too caught up that I’ve forgotten: I no longer allow myself to think that way anymore.

Just about 3 months or so back, I was just writing about how I’m quite proud that I’ve learnt to take things in my stride more. To let go of the people and things that do not belong to me, or no longer wish to be in my life. I celebrated that little milestone but then some stuff happened and I begin to doubt my stance in the eyes of people I called my friends. I began to doubt myself.

It doesn’t really matter anymore does it?

I mean, of course it’s significant to me. With one of these people being a friend I’ve invested so much into, someone I’ve really come to enjoy and appreciate having in my life for the last 1 year and 9 months. But our mutual friend told me the other day: “ Maybe your friendship no longer matters as much to that person, and maybe you’ll never ever know what went wrong. And you’ll just have to accept that.”

Can I just admit, how hard it is to?
To really just stop having a confidant that has been there for you. The advice and support that has been given throughout that period. This was the person that helped me properly get over my first heartbreak. The things we talked about, the stuff we shared about ourselves. I liked becoming closer. I was thankful it happened. But now, am I expected to just distance myself like it all never happened?

A few months back, I told myself positive thoughts only. And I intend to try my best to be that person that promised myself that.

If say our friendship no longer means anything to this friend of mine, I will respect that person and leave it as it is. I will not force it, I will not pester. But I will wonder, how my friend is doing. I will wonder if things are going smoothly. I’ll miss the random stuff we used to talk about, how close we were, the way it was so effortless between two such unlikely friends.

Most of all I think I’ll miss my friend.

So what exactly is the point of my long and endless rambling? (I'm sorry, please bear with me) I think I'm still trying to be able to "take things in my stride and let go of people". I may just have been able to do that with my past, but the "now" is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I'm writing this all, to remind myself everything's going to be alright.

That I can still occasionally, allow myself to feel hurt when a close friend no longer regards our friendship as the way it was.

Life will go on, for the both of us.
I will always be grateful that this friendship helped me heal and grew me into a better person
And I'll keep trying to salvage what I can, until the day I get so tired of trying.
Then I can say: "I've done my best"
and wholeheartedly accept that our friendship might just never be the same.

One more time.

Some nights I wonder about the people whose hearts I've let down.
Especially of those who are important to me, the ones whom I selfishly can't let go of because they're friends who've become family. I keep them around me, even when I know it's difficult for both of us, but it's going to be even harder if I lose this person - we've been through too much.

Towards a person like that, "I'm Sorry" will never be enough. I know I'm selfish, what's worse is hoping that they'll be accepting of me wanting to keep the friendship. It's one of the hardest things, to keep the people you care about around you and still have to pretend to not care that much. And yet, I put people in such positions.

I am thankful, but also guilty.

Now and then I think about the people in my life in the last 2 over years. I think about how once or twice in the last 2 over years I've meet someone who momentarily stirred something in me. But at the end I'll always choose to let it die. I'll find a million reasons to not try, to avoid what I might be starting to feel. "It'll never work out anyways", "just a passing thing", "now isn't the right time", "why would he ever like me". The number of excuses I've given myself to stop myself from trying is really pretty astonishing.

And then I'll tell myself: When the time is right I'll let it happen again.

Truth is, that right moment I kept talking about actually has long passed.
I gave up on those moments. On the chances to even just give things a shot, to try. I'll sideline anyone who wants to introduce someone to me. I shunned most of the people whom I felt had interest in me.

I locked myself away from meeting new people, or giving anyone, even myself a chance at all. I can't even say for sure that I am capable of having feelings for anyone now. Cause I'm not so sure if I have the courage to do that anymore: To say that I like someone. All I am capable of saying now is most probably " saying I like you is a slight exaggeration, I don't think it's as strong as that." That's perhaps all I can bring myself to say. Pathetic, I know.

I'll admit it: I'm still scared as hell.
Scared of the idea of loving someone again.

And yeah, I know that shouldn't stop me. It's a lousy excuse to give just so I don't have to deal with any of my own emotions. Just for me to stay where I am comfortable. But the thing is, I wanna start trying. It's been tiring, shutting myself up and convincing myself that I don't have feelings (and failing terribly at it might I just say), that it's not going to work out so I just shouldn't try.

I want to have the courage again.
And this time, I'll try to be more hopeful than careful.

Truth is.

We have a tendency to complicate things.

Truth is, it's all pretty straight forward:

If you don't matter to someone, you'll know.

And if you do, they'll show it.

School's been busy: Week 4, a month into this madness. But I'm finding more joy in being busy than when I have free time - Christine was right, too much free time just means thoughts running around uncontrollably like wild horses.

I came to the realization above these few days, after reflecting upon my suppose friendships with some people in my life. I've lost some friends in the last 2 weeks (or maybe I'm in the midst of losing, the meaning doesn't really vary anyways) Point is they were, they are still, important. 

For reasons unsaid, but somewhat understood, I just stood by and watch it slip away. Truth is, I don't really actually matter to these people. I did at a point, maybe? Perhaps? I don't really know anymore. Does it matter? Maybe only to me.

Too many people come and go. 

We live in a society where people take genuine sincerity and concern and twist it, and see it as someone who wants something to gain, someone expanding their options, playing their cards right to gain favours, attention.

I wonder if we ever realised how honestly messed up that thinking is.

And you wonder why it's so difficult to trust in the world these days? Why people rather be mean and manipulative - everyone's going to think that way of you anyways. They all look at you with the same messed up thinking, even when they know the real you. That's the scary part.

Everyday I tell myself to forget it: that there are people in life just meant to be kept at arm's length. Even if you've become close and you thought it was different, everything can change in a moment. You go back to being strangers, acquaintances. Like nothing ever happened.

Truth is, it hurts like hell.

But just like what the world expects: keep that head up, that smile on. 

All those mixed feelings, bury them deep

and keep going.

No one really cares that we're all hurting inside anyways.

07/02/16.

When people leave we always doubt if what happened was ever real - friendships, relationships all alike.

Might it have been easier to hear that he never loved you at all, or that they never really treated you as a friend to begin with. Sometimes the people you love leave you, sometimes it's you who choose to leave the people you love.

The reasons all vary, but the pain felt by the ones left behind is the same.

Weeks, Months, Years later when you look back to it, what is it that will go through your mind? How sorry you are, how sorry they are? What you'd have all done differently. Maybe come then it no longer really even matters why things broke down and why it all ended - people leave everyday after all right?

Maybe, just maybe, for the sake of a terrible excuse we could all comfort ourselves with: they were scared. And so they fled.

So now that I am scared, will it be okay if I choose to flee and leave it all behind?

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Saw this post today on Instagram and it hit close to heart. 

Sometimes people just shut themselves away from you because they are scared.

And sometimes, you can't and shouldn't do anything about it.

Roses.

The Chainsmokers - Roses

What exactly is real? Who exactly is real? 

Reason vs Heart. 

Which should I listen to right now.

Falling into the same thing I'm trying so hard to distance myself from. It's wrong. Is it not? 

What am I to trust? When that feeling of being betrayed sits deep in me, not budging. 

Who am I exactly? To these people. A passing curiosity or a friend or maybe I'm nothing.

Why does it matter to me really? I guess I cared more than I thought I did. 

Or maybe I already knew how much I cared. I just didn't want to admit it. 

That always seems to be the case for me.

"Say you'll never let me go."

02:04am.

It hurts.
Because I trusted. But then again, I think I should have known better.

What it feels like to see people take your feelings and thoughts as a joke. People I genuinely thought of as friends are maybe not as much of my friends as I believed.

I should have known better than to let my feelings show. I should have known better than to trust so easily.

My mistake.
So then, I shouldn't take it too hardly how they see me? Pretend everything is fine and treat them as I normally would?

At least I know better now.

Youth.

Hey out there.

It's me again, obviously hahaha. So..... 2 weeks have gone by and I've done quite abit if I say so myself. Went for a short getaway with the parents, packed my room a little, met up with my friends, manage to fall sick somehow, visit lots of hospitals for physio and followups and MRIs and CT scans (thanks to the accident mehh) and I am about 5 hours away from my first trip ever without ze family. I is calling it my SOLO ALONE FRIENDS TRIP. 

Pretty sure you guys get it from what the name is, like how obvious am I right? hahaha SO....... technically I have about 2.5 -2.75 hours left of sleep before a 5am flight and why am I here? Instead of sleeping more so I can recover faster and actually enjoy this trip.

Well... I'm not too sure myself either. Just an urge to write.

I'm 22 this year.

What is it to be young exactly? It's it to have the energy and that insane yolo courage to do things without thinking too much? Is it my ridiculous faith that things will always turn out well? The ability to easily trust, or as the adults like to call it - naivety. Is it my thinking that I am strong enough to handle anything that comes my way? The way I persist so many a times when others tell me maybe I should call it quits? I don't really know...

All I know is that I am young.

There is much about this world that I do not yet understand, but I want to. There's so much I want to see, to learn, to experience. And I know I keep charging forward because I believe "it will all be fine, I will work it out. I can do it as long as I put my heart to it. And also, somethings are just left to fate." Many a times the adults don't agree with me. And so my decisions and actions get opposed, rejected, called ridiculous.

It is not that I don't understand their concerns or worries, or what angle they are coming from. They been through it, so I guess they worry I might make mistakes, get hurt. They try to protect me out of love. I understand that.

But I am not the kind of person who goes along obediently (unfortunately hahaha) and life of a youth, I won't even call myself a kid anymore, hahaha, is so different from back then.

I am independent. Maybe a little too independent. With time and the things that have happened in life, after all that I've been through: failure, death, betrayal, heartbreak. I know I can take care of myself, by myself. I learnt it all the hard way - but I don't have any regrets or complaints.

To me that's just life. 

It's things that I have to go through, because they were set in my path - yes my decisions landed me there (maybe not always my own decisions) but it's okay. I am willing to shoulder that responsibility because all that keeps shaping me. They are the lessons I've learnt the hard way, but also the things that made me who I am today. If anything I am grateful for those lessons - but the adults always see it as a bad thing. Things that shouldn't be in my life.

I don't believe in a life worry and struggle free. I don't believe "there's an easier path". Every road is difficult. But how it goes depends on the attitude you have towards it. It's hard having to fight my way through to the people who love me. Who love me so much that they want to protect me from everything. It's not possible. The world is not a bed of roses. I have to be independent. I have to learn, even if it means getting bumps and bruises - it's all part of the process.

There are days when I question what it is that makes me keep trying over and over again to get through to them. The answer I think is that: I can't stop. And I won't.

Not for anyone, or anything. Life will always go on, and things may somehow always go wrong. I won't always get what I want. I will get hurt, friends will betray me. I will be alone at times. It's not that I am not afraid. It's just that I know I have to be stronger than that. And I have to prove that to myself.

People call this me being stubborn. 

Perhaps I am. But it is my life, and no one else can take or should take responsibility for it. I've come a long way from the kid that I was back when I was 15. I'm proud of who I've become, but I know will face more difficulties in the times to come, because that's just how it is. Everyone will go through it - it's growing up, it's Life.

I'm not saying that I am always right. 

I am saying that I am young. Young enough to be stubborn and insistent and unwavering in my decisions. Young enough to be reckless to try things that might mean great opportunities or disappointment. Young enough to have the courage to say "no, I don't want that for my life" and to decide that no one is going to convince me otherwise because I know what I want.

Youth.

So many a times people misunderstand that as not having the ability to make the "right" decisions. What exactly is right? Who is to define that?

I am young. And in some sense that means I am not afraid, because I don't have much to lose when I have time on my side. I will fight to do things my way, I will go out there and chase my dreams. I honestly hope I won't look back and think of "what if, maybes, back then I should have..." 

My life is mine to make of it. 

And I will work hard and stay firm to make sure that's how it's going to be

Maybe that's youth - naive and stubborn yet unafraid of anything.

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Okay, I've had a long rant. I apologize if it seems much, but I've been thinking about this with regards to some matters in my life lately and this is somewhat of what I've been feeling I think. It's time to sleep (or maybe it's more like a 2 hour nap lol) before heading to the airport. Sleep is always the solution to everything. *POSITIVE THOUGHTS ONLY* 

05/01/2016

Started volunteering today, or seeing that it's past 1am now, the more correct term is yesterday haha

One off my New Year's resolution (and the first week of the year isn't even over yet. YAY) it's about time I got started anyways. Been talking about doing it since mid of last year, but I was always too caught up in "stuff" aka I procrastinated. Now that I have the time (thanks to it being the holidays, my friends are either all travelling or in NS, and also the fact that I am still single in 2016 haha) I figured I needed to make some changes if I'm ever going to get anywhere at all.

It was a really nice first day there I think. I didn't really know what to expect going in, but it's a nice feeling getting to help people like that, however small my effort was. And I'm looking forward to my new once a week routine :))

Also, it's 1:37 am now and I am.... HUNGRY AS CRAP

Why is there no such thing as a food fairy? Someone who specializes in food wishing.... That would be really REALLY nice. I mean one should not underestimate the importance of a food fairy, and the wonderful food she can poof up for you when you need it heh.

Okay. I am officially too hungry :(( and I'm starting to talk nonsense from this hunger. BRB WHILE I SOURCE FOR FOOD.