December.

December.

My fav month (one of) is here again YAYY :) Time to pull out the Christmas decorations, mini tree, warm fuzzy sweaters, hot choco mugs and some elf bedroom slippers hehehehe. Gotta love Dec, it's warmth and love all round (in the perfect cold weather might I add) with my most important family and friends <3

Psych paper is over, 2 more to go! Finals feel like they are dragging on for forever and I should be FOCUSED on them books but honestly, all I can think of is Christmas hehehehe. Gonna make up for my not-so-good-christmas last year and have a terrifically awesome one this year #Christmasresolution 

With Dec here, 2014 is nearing its end

What a year this has been, and at such a fast pace too. It's so fast I'm not sure I'm ready for 2015 just yet. May Dec work it's magic and slow the year down a little: I really wanna enjoy 14' while it's still here.

Current fav album: 1989
Never been a fan of hers, but I gotta admit: I'm Hooked.

Love how she's learnt to poke fun at herself through her music (FINALLY). Haha. This album's like a huge: "Who cares what you think of me" to anyone one who feels the need to comment on her and I for one, really like her guts.

365.

25.11.14

365th day: it's been a year.

Just like that 1 year has passed.
Much is different, but some things are still the same. I've stopped thinking about the maybe's, the what if's and the perhaps. I've stopped trying to look for answers in memories that have long passed. I stopped wondering what I could have changed, what I more I could have done.

I'm no longer foolish or hopeful. I've simply accepted it as it is.

365 days since that day, I would like to say I've come far from when it all first happened. Now it no longer feels like a nightmare, but more like a faded dream. A hard lesson learnt, but now things are finally moving along for me, the way it has been for him long ago.

In the little days I still think of him, it always ends up with: How is he doing? I hope he's well.
I may never get an answer to this question, but that's okay. Some things are never meant to be answered.

One year on and I'm finally okay to move on now.
At the end, I'm thankful to have had him, sorry to have lost him.
But it wasn't all in vain.

High Hopes.

I don't wish to disappoint you, 

or anyone else who might have ever had that thought

But empty promises and false hopes are as good as none

I would know, I've felt them before

You don't have to go through that.

If anything I need to honestly tell you: 

I might never be who you want me to be

and I'm sorry for that.

Time is what I need, a lot of it

And that is something I will not ever ask of anyone to sacrifice for me.

"I'm Sorry"

is perhaps the only thing I have the right to say now

I know it might not be what you want to hear

but as of right now, that's all I have

To not let you have to feel what I once felt:

It's all I can do.

It was more.

Last week of school
13 weeks flew by faster than I ever thought it would, we're already mid way through Nov.
Man is this all fast or what? Finals in 2 weeks #blessmysoul I'm gonna ace this thing: GONNA TRY AT LEAST. I owe myself that much after surviving the first sem right?

It's 17 nov, 8 more days and it'll be a year
365 days, 8760 hours
All these time, all that's been blurred and somewhat faded
Yet some things are still fresh like flowers in spring
funny how they stay in my memory
how sometimes, just sometimes, rarely now honestly:
he still comes and goes in my mind

"Was it Everything you thought it'd be?"

"No, it was more."

Maybe not Ever.

I have no means to continue this never-ending fight
honestly so tired of this
I can't ever get my point across
so much so I'm starting to wonder why I even try

Everything is going to be alright?
it's like having to believe you'll see the light in a void of darkness
I'm not sure if I'll ever escape this mircomanagement
maybe not soon; maybe not Ever.

Let her go.

1.04am

I realised how much I don't like funerals.

I guess it's cause I don't like saying Goodbye

Goodbye's are forever, 

and forever is such a long time.

But I like I said, I will always remember the people who leave.

In the midst of music therapy these days, just to try and distract myself by working on my first ever recording:  Passenger - Let her go.

"Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go."

November.

2nd November 2014

I got some bad news today. Something that was unexpected even though we should have expected it. You were always about living life as happily as you could cause it's just too short - that's something I've always tried to learn from you.

I pray that you're in a better place now. I know you will always be looking over us, keeping us safe in your memory. Thank you for loving me like you would your own granddaughter all these years.

I promise I won't forget you.
I never forget the people who left.

"Success is liking yourself" .

26/10/14

Back after a 2month plus hiatus, Hello Everyone.

To the people who still come to this little space of mine to check up on me: thanks for visiting :) sorry I've been MIA the past 11 weeks. So much has happened I'm not quite sure where I should even start.

Guess I'll start with the most obvious: SCHOOL HAS STARTED

I find the excessive need to bold and underline that because almost without recognition, this is now the weekend of my 9th week of school. It has been..... pretty dang crazy. Hours are long because my timetable this sem is really pretty bad, but I've become accustomed to the 5hr break 3 times a week since there's always something to be done during the breaks these days anyways. 

I've survived the first round of midterms (YAY), finished up with computing project 1, some presentations here and there etc. It's different from what I had expected. Then again I'm not quite sure what I was expecting hahaha. It's a lot faster? Deadlines are closer and there's a lot of emphasis on things outside of my grades (as if having to obsess over my grades weren't bad enough hahha) but I'm pretty glad I found a funny bunch of friends to make this transition a lot easier :) - shoutout to my homies!! For the first time since JC days I'm not failing anything (I AM AMAZED TOO) and I'm actually doing quite okay. Guess it might also be cause I've changed my attitude towards my studies ever since I entered Uni.

I like what I do now

I like the way I do it. 

I like that I decided to go with my gut feeling back then

These 11 weeks has brought about little changes: in my relationship with my family, some of my friendships, and the mentality I had towards certain things. I've met some really nice people: people with a lot to offer. And I miss my old friends: all the times we've spent together.

Guess this is growing up. You learn who you can keep close even if you're far apart. You learn who, and what really matters.

Can't quite believe I'm 20.
Can't quite believe it's almost been a year since then.

But at the same time I find it amazing that there's a long way to go ahead of me, that there's so much waiting for me to discover, to achieve.

I'm nervous about the road ahead, but also so very excited.

P.S to my dearest Kath:

You're now the strongest person I know. I'm sorry I wasn't always there when you needed me the most this past month, but you're home now and that's all that matters. Stay Strong Love, we'll get through this together.

19.

Most probably the most important thing I've learnt in this 19th year
Or maybe the most important thing I've learnt all my life so far.

The past year has most probably seen the most and the worst of my "failures" be it in expectations, results and even some of my relationships. Or as some people would say it's been a valuable lesson. I used to tell people to enjoy their 19th year, "it's your last teen year, make it last for what it's worth". It was not as I had expected, most of the year came as a shock I think but then again things often don't go the way you expect them too.

Turing 20 in awhile and I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it.
Not quite yet ready to leave my teens behind I think. 20's always represent growing up, the transition of no longer having the excuse of being a child yet still trying to discover who you are as a person, an adult. It's suppose to be the best years of your life, yet also the years to path what the rest of your life is suppose to be.

I should be excited yes? HAHAHA
Guess I'm both excited and also not ready. Then again what is the definition of being "ready"? I guess you just go and try to make the best out of it!

19 was the hardest period of time in my life to date. There were moments of laughter and joy and also a period of time of sadness, so much that it almost felt like depression. More of the latter perhaps. Yet years down from now, what has happened in the past 1 year might be so insignificant I'll look back and laugh. (maybe? hopefully? Yeah I most probably might)

Regardless of which, the things I've learnt and some of the people I've met are most probably really precious gifts. Always look on the Bright side of Life right? (and now I can't get the song out of my head HAHAHA) So I am thankful for 19 teaching me what it did. And I'm thankful for the laughter, the tears, the good, the boring, the sad, the love I've received and the memories I have with some of the most important people in my life today, in some of my most memorable teen years; most probably 15-19? HAHA

Time to start a new phrase of life.
So for the unknown and the inexperienced; the best advice my teen self can most probably give my 20-something self to remember:

August.

5 days late, but Hello August.

A month of many changes, where everyone is headed in different directions and I guess the first steps out into adulthood (Uni life and all) for the girls.

Aug might be my fav month of the year, where it always seems a little happier and funner (maybe cause it's my birthday month hehehe) Not to mention this month always passes way too quickly- like how it's already the 5th! Can't believe school is starting for me soon and orientation is coming up too?? My 9 months of (Hell &) Freedom is almost over. I took a huge step away from the conventional, so here's hoping I made the right choice.

Turning 20 in 2 days and.... I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. Not quite yet ready to leave the "teens" behind and step into my twenties (just saying it alone sounds so old hahaha) but no one can quite stop time as it is and ready or not it's going to happen. I might as well try my best to make my life worth in the 20's

Went to the NDP preview with the family over the weekend! So glad my aunt got the tickets this year and she kindly passed everything to me so I could bring whoever I wanted :D Been wanting to watch ndp with the family ever since... I can't really even remember when actually HAHAHA but since I got the chance then of course I went with mum & dad, both the sissys and their mum as well. I took so many photos my phone's memory is running out ( I shall post them another day :))
It was nice to sing all them patriotic songs at the tops of my lungs and not get judged, even nicer to be retarded with the sissys and have the family with me.

Speaking of family, Kat is finally back!!
After 11 months of not seeing her in person and only on skype the girl is finally back for the next 3 wees before she goes back to Swiss to finish up her degree. Can't believe it's almost been a year already. So much has happened within this period of time and seeing her again (now with a boyfriend) made me realise how fast it's all been and how much we've each grown in the time away from each other.

Guess we're all no longer kids.
The thought's a little scary, but it's good to have them all with me along the way <3

August 2014: 8 months into the year
This is the month of change: new beginnings, different paths. Of renewed Hellos and of Goodbyes. Things to look forward to and things to reflect back on last year around this period of time. Hello August, please be kind to all of us.

TGIF.

Don't think I've ever been so thankful that it's Friday: TGIF!

Or maybe not cause I still have work tomorrow :( Been working w the second sis for the last few days cause her parents went overseas with the elder sis and she's been left in charge of the office mehh. So it's back to the office for me too, doing as much as I can to help her keep operations going while the rest of the family is away.

 

Clean bandit ft Jess Glynne - Rather be

 

Myriad of songs I've been replaying lately and this is the latest fav. 

Been switching up my fav song every couple of days cause there's a sudden influx of songs I'm equally in love with. Talk bout fickle right? Hahaha but when it comes to music, there's just so many good artists and songs out there. 

 

Speaking of music, bought my tickets to my first ever proper concert. One that isn't coral or a musical and I'M SUPER EXCITEDDDDDDD :D especially since they're one of my favourite groups to date and I'll be going with my girls so I REALLY CAN'T WAIT!

 

 

This work-home life balance thing is some seriously hard stuff, with their family helper not around at the moment we both go home to all the housework and I'm in charge of cooking again (I JUST CAN'T ESCAPE THIS!!!! Been doing it at home and now at the sissy's place too) Makes me think my mum is honestly super woman to be able to come home after work and cook almost everyday LOVE YOU MUMMY. YOU DA BEST <3
 

Life of a working woman who has a family = not easy manz All I wanna do is just nua on the bed after I cook, eat and shower. Actually that's kinda all I've been doing w the sis after work the last few days. Really do respect my sis for being able to handle the company on her own though, she's another superwoman seriously.

Can't wait for Sunday after tuition class when I can finally take a break and just sleep. Hi Sunday afternoon, could you please come a little quicker? Pleaseeee.
 

Answer.

Coldplay - A sky full of stars

One of the most played songs on my playlist recently

3 weeks of neglecting this space and it's about time I got back to it! In a sense it might be a good thing? I've been occupied with the important people in my life, and less by the little troubles I have from time to time. Less of a reason for me to write, more of a reason for me to be happy.

Officially my second week off work and I'm on lepak mode (as best as I can at least) Baking, cooking, eating, reading, catching up w old friends and spending more time w Dad. It's been an eventful 3 weeks though, with the first trip among the cousins to HK, gatherings w the tkg girls (after so long), meeting Yijia after more than a year <3 and college day on Sat.

Been spending more me time too, making a bigger effort to do the things that make me happy :) Getting to know more people better too, people I didn't think I would know on such a level with what has happened. And in a sense just letting life happen.

I've made my decision on NUS.

After a lot of thought (I would say) I've rejected that opportunity. I understand that some people who genuinely care are concerned about my choice and then there are also some people who are just concerned so that I can become another of their gossiping topics as they get together (funny how they think I do not realize this though hmmm). But the latter is pretty secondary to how I feel after making this decision. At this point in time of my life, this is what I feel is best for me. It's not that I'm not afraid of the consequences of this decision, it's just that I think even so I will be gladly willing to take it as it comes to me. I'm just thankful for the support my family and friends give me in this decision. Hopefully this is the right decision for myself. Or rather, I'm going to try to make it the right decision for myself.

Read an extract from a book recently, and I was kinda shocked by how accurately it defined things that I sometimes worry over:

 " The world has no answer.

Don't look for an answer. With every decision, the right and wrong answer coexist.

Wise people make a decision and work towards making it the right choice

Foolish people make a decision and regret making a wrong choice.

The world has no right answer, but there is a process to making a decision a right answer."

Better words of advice couldn't have come to me at this point in time with this decision. Kinda glad I stumbled upon it. Guess it's really right when people say: we are now exactly where we are meant to be at this point in time of our lives. Some way or another things always work it's way out, doesn't it?Whatever it is, whether or not the choice was ours: accepting the situation and trying to make the best out of it, those words really do make sense.

Took me awhile to realize all that, but I'm pretty glad right now I see clearly enough to know irregardless of what has happened, I can only get tougher and stronger as a person. Maybe that's life; getting better with each disappointment, failure, heartache. At the end we all have to die, it's about looking back and saying "I've survived and it's been a good journey".

Yeah, I would like to live my life as best as I can from now, to look back happy with what I've done.

Decisions.

My spot has been neglected.
Been so caught up the past 2 weeks I haven't exactly had the time to update this place, real sorry about that. Heh

Last 2 weeks has been nothing short of happenings: between meeting old friends, surprise visits at work, weekend trip w the family to Ipoh, my annoying acid reflux crap (annoying is an understatement), and me not being able to watch How To Train Your Dragon 2 (AGAIN T.T) or Transformers for that matter, just cause all the tickets were sold out. And finally, perhaps the most important and significant news EVER: NUS FASS.

Yeah, I wrote right. I got an acceptance letter from them. Something I didn't ever expect honestly, but I guess there are miracles, that or they saw some good in me? Either way, I can't quite believe it yet maybe. The one place I thought I would go without hesitation gave me an admission spot.

And now, the more serious problem:
I don't know if I should accept it.

At this point some people might want to slap me and ask wth would I not accept it. I guess in this period of time where I thought to seek other options I found something that isn't the norm. A uni that I'm interested in: a course that seems like me. It's the same as I would take if I went w FASS but just in a different environment and with different opportunities for me in the future.

Home is great.
NUS is great.
FASS is great.
Just that after 3 years of JC, I really wonder if I really want to put myself through another 3-4 years of the same system. After learning more about the school, Nus is honestly (in my eyes now) a more up scaled version of a JC; a place where I spent the first 1 year lost and absolutely clueless to why I was there, what I was doing with my life.

I don't wish to go into nus only to find myself lost again midway, wondering why on earth I choose this place when it's just a bigger junior college. In all honesty, I just don't really want to handle such an environment again.
I'm scared I guess, of what would happen if I accepted this, and what would happen if I don't.

Everyone says to go with what my heart tells me, regardless of what it is I choose they will support my decision. How thankful should I be honestly, to have all these family and friends who aren't concerned with where I study (the prestige of the school I choose or what not) just as long as I'm doing what I want, the way I want it. Though, Chris did tell me I should join her and be her fass friend like a GAZILLION times, but she still said she'll support me nonetheless.

"Go with your heart 

and it won't lead you astray."

Again I find myself stuck in between options that both have their advantages and disadvantages. And again it's about a matter that concerns possibly the rest of my life at this moment in time. In a sense I know where my heart lies, I'm perhaps afraid of that first step out to confirming it.

Whatever it is, I just hope to find the courage to make the decision I feel is best for me, and me only. Got till the end of this week to decide, I might as well try my hardest to think about this as best as I can.

Buried.

Sometimes you think you've buried it deep enough

only to realize in the instant when it all comes crashing back

 that you never really forgot.

these past weeks and months 

constantly trying to forget someone who forgot you

suppressing those feelings, those memories, his fading touch

locking them away in the darkest corner

building up the walls, putting on that mask

each time someone mentions him, them.

feeling yourself crumble a little because of happy he looks

but you insist you're happy for him

because You are.

you just forgot to mention that while you're glad he's happy

you sometimes still struggle with the pain

that heart-wrenching, empty feeling in your chest,

it shouldn't be there anymore

should it?

You're getting better now

so don't let yourself miss a single thing about him, about the both of you

don't let yourself tear up anymore just cause you get reminded

Keep it up, keep going on.

Keep looking forward, keep wishing him; them, well

and it's okay to still have those feelings

just remember to pack them up each time you accidentally fall apart

It will be okay

at the end, it always is.

Eventually.

Things have been worse before, and you survived either way.
Don't let this get to you
Don't slip through the cracks again
Hold it together
You are stronger than this.

Good Thoughts.

The Art of Hearing Heartbeats.

"He would learn that there are wounds 

that time could not heal, 

only reduced to a manageable size."

- The Art of Hearing Heartbeats

In the midst of yet another book

In all honesty I picked it up cause the cover was stunning but then the contents itself is proving that regardless of cover, this is a book that I would have picked either ways. Train rides to and from work is the only time I can manage a read now. Sad, but in a sense good as well. At least I won't plough through this like I usually do with my other books.

Personal time feels so limited now with work and me giving tuition at the same time. Suddenly it's like I only have the weekends to myself (not really either considering tuition are on weekends) now why does that sound so oddly sad? Haixx.

Speaking of work, Chris has been sick for 4 days straight and hasn't been coming to work. Good news is she's coming back tomorrow, bad news is it might be my turn to be absent soon.... I got me the sick virus that's been spreading around sigh pie :( need a miracle recovery to keep up with all the events I have over the next 4 days. Funny how when things are quiet, life gets really boring. But the moment I'm busy, I'm always packed FULL back to back almost every day?!?!?! What logic is this even?

Either ways I need to get better FAST. Miracle healing lady/dude (if you exist) please let me recover FAST FAST. PLEASEEE

oh and I just realized that I have Ellie Goulding's Beating Heart on replay mode while I've been reading The Art of Hearing Heartbeats and writing this tonight. How coincidentally apt heh  

Saturdays.

Pentatonix - Love again

Their mv for this song is finally out

Such an interesting take for this song? but irregardless they are awesome and this original song of their's has been replaying for god knows how long on my phone the past few months. Yes, I like it THAT much hahaha

Took the day off yesterday to bake nutella and banana filled cookies with Dawny before dinner with the burdens (after so long) + Zack and Nicholas too. Those cookies are some serious good stuff, but my nutella filling is a little on the sparse side so it's more like banana cookies maybe? The burdens said it's good nonetheless so I'm happy either ways

Had lunch with half the Le L's today too :)

Finally got to see Siah for the first time ever since he enlisted. Time spent with these idiots is always good. Somehow we always have a good time talking nonsense or what not, or like today, talking about Dawny's er, certain issue ahem ahem hehehehe

Look at those faces of fascination cause Dawny decided to tell them/show them some highly top secret stuffs. Just looking at their expressions makes me laugh. But that's the guys for ya always making us laugh. No wonder I miss them now that they're all men and it's just us girls... sigh pie

On another note I bought another 2 books today (YAYYY and BOOO) I really need to stop with the buying of books. It's my 14/15th one in the past 5 months.... all my money is going to my insane love for reading. I'll never be able to save properly for a trip at this rate :(

Strangers.

25.05.14

It's been half a year; 6 months; 181 days.
Has it been that long? I can't seem to wrap my mind around this fact, it just doesn't seem like it's been that long.

6 months that saw so much changes between him and I, 6 months and it's like there was never an Us. Looking back I don't really know how to account for my 6 months. I didn't achieve much really. All those after A's plans, all the things I wanted to do? I don't think I did them honestly. Suddenly the last 6 months of my life feels like me going through the motions, doing what was expected of me: move on.

Like I've told anyone who still asks me about it, I'm fine. I am.
Just there's still those feelings that hover even when I've come to terms with us now and honestly wish him well. It's expected they tell me, because he was the first, because he meant alot and maybe still do now. They tell me it's fine to feel like this, that they see I've become so much better and stronger than I was a few months back.

Those words are suppose to comfort me I think. To let me know I'm still loved by my family and friends regardless of it all. I know, and I'm thankful for those words and their love. But I think there will always be a part that can't be healed regardless of the kind of love I receive from these wonderfully nice people in my life. It's not necessarily a bad thing though, it's a reminder I suppose: of a Love that was once that impactful in my life. It's something I'm thankful to have had and sorry to have lost. 

But just as set in stone that it's over, I know very well too it most probably won't be the last either. In the years to come there might be another/others who can perhaps make me feel the same. But maybe I will always remember him for being the first, and maybe I'll always remember all those little things about him.

Do all lovers have to become strangers when they part?
I never thought it should be that way actually. But looking around me all these years and looking at myself now, I think maybe I was just too naive. It seems like there isn't really an option of being friends after you've parted and one of you moves on with someone else..... why is it this way though? Is this really for the better?

When I see him now in photos I sometimes feel like I don't recognise him. Even though I still remember everything there is about him and the people around him, every single thing..... Looking at him, but not really seeing him. That's what it is. These are the moments when I feel like maybe I just imagined "us", like all those words said and things done didn't even exist. This is normal too right? I should hope it is for if not I am truly becoming a very, very weird person.

Even with all these thoughts of me maybe becoming crazy and this oddly saddening feeling that "we" never existed, I would like to choose to believe it was real. However short it was, or however insignificant it was to others and maybe even to the him now, I think "we" were real.

It's no longer tangible, perhaps even more foreign than before because we once knew each other on such an intimate level. I guess you can say we went a full circle and went back to the way we were before our paths cross: strangers > friends > lovers > strangers again.

Just this time, I can't just go on with my life the way it was before him.
Because just as I can't ever remember a person I've never met, I can't possibly completely forget someone whose impacted me this greatly either: no matter how much of a stranger he's now become.

21/02/14.

"The happiness of your life depends upon the

quality of your thoughts:

therefore, guard accordingly."

- Marcus Aurelius

Came across this quote a few days back on Instagram and found it apt in so many ways, even though life is currently fine in progress. Sometimes coming across certain quotes on IG I will think to myself: "well, this is a good reminder to the me a few months back" only to realize that I'm no longer that person from a few months back. And while that quote remains relevant to the me now, it's impact is far smaller, in turn meaning I have a smaller need for it.

That's what it feels like: moving on.

It's acknowledging that the feelings are still present, but no longer run your life. You run your own life now, those feelings, they just linger around drifting.

Had my first night driving lesson just now and it was :( though my instructor says I'm honestly doing well considering the number of lessons I've had so far, but still I didn't really feel that good driving tonight. Who ever knew lights could dazzle and distract you that much? Well, one step at a time. Just gonna work on improving myself as fast as possible each lesson and get my license as soon as I can.

First day at work tomorrow too!

Though, it starts at 8am @ Raffles Place. HOW AM I GOING TO WAKE UP IN TIME FOR WORK?!?!?!?!?! Still, kinda excited to start on this one for various reasons. Firstly of course, I'm going to start getting paid again (instead of working for free hahhaa) And it'll be fun for sure, seeing the company I'm going to be having. 

Had a great few days this past week catching up with a few important people/groups of people, but more of that another day. The bad sleep these few days has really been screwing up my body clock, and I could really use the sleep :/

The little things.

6am bedtime

It's happening again; all the not being able to sleep, sleeping when the sun rises, the bad sleep and the anxiety waking in the middle of the night. Problem is I'm not so sure what's troubling me now. Life is okay, I am okay. So what is it? What's the reason for this feeling I'm having?

A little faint, but a hint of a rainbow I saw last friday. 

On the days when I feel like this, I can't help but look at the sky: at the white clouds, the endless blue hues and the light casting shadows. When the weather is good, sunlight feels warm on the skin and the breeze is cold ruffling through the trees. Days that remind me it's good to be alive, breathing. So I shouldn't worry, try not to worry, whatever it is that worries me. I don't know what it is, but it'll be alright no? It always is at the end of the day. 

"Live for the Little Things" they say. 

For the small moments that are insignificant now but may mean more when you look back years later. I think of that bus ride last Friday, of the pretty sky I saw, that hint of rainbow behind a cloud of golden light. I think of the person next to me then, how it was oddly comforting sitting in silence together that bus ride home, how it's always been that way for us. 

I think of how strangely at ease and happy I felt at that moment simply because the sky was pretty, the weather was good, the person next to me always makes me feel comforted in troubled times.

It really is about the little things isn't it? A day like that, a day that seems insignificant compared to others before, yet it's stuck in my mind. That feeling, that sky, that few hours. It's was contentment: quiet happiness over the simplest thing.

I am being weird hahahha. Might be my 1/4 life crisis, or my really really bad lack of sleep. Either ways I'm finally meeting Chris tomorrow, and Dawny is coming home. It's good to have my girls back with me now that the boys are all busy being men.

Lonely.

4.17 am

Can't sleep.
Or rather, I can't sleep peacefully. I don't know if I dream. If I do, I remember nothing. It's just falling asleep and suddenly waking up in shock. It happens several times throughout the night, and it's the second night already. Why am I feeling so uneasy and restless?

It's been awhile since I've felt like this and for no seemingly good reason. Feeling tired of things in my life, and suddenly lonely. Odd isn't it? There have been days when I sometimes felt alone, but this might be the first time I'm feeling Lonely. It's such a strange feeling.

There's also a person I can't seem to stop worrying about these few days, someone I would like to help. But I don't really think that person needs it or necessarily wants it. Usually I somehow manage to find the right words for most people but this one person, even though we've known each other for almost 2 years, I sometimes just don't know how to help.

Can I just leave this all behind and be on my own for awhile? For some reason I just want to be alone and away from everything and everyone now. This feeling of being tired of life (for a lack of a better word)..... it's honestly becoming really, really tiring.

Paper Heart.

Some days I remember that the scariest thing in life is not the unknown

but knowing that what you thought could/would stay constant didn't/couldn't. 

The scariest beings would then be us humans.

Your closest today might be a stranger tomorrow

For our hearts, thoughts and actions are too complex, unpredictable and unconstant

so guard that paper Heart, Always.

Home.

Back for a day and I'm already missing this beach and the sea.
If there's ever such a thing as rebirth into a second life I would like to be a sea creature, some super cool fish maybe. Starfish is kinda cool too. Either that or I hope to be a bird, cause flying's cool HAHAHAHA Water or sky, I'm fine either ways. Being a human is at times too complex, though we do have our little perks here and there.

Anyways, back to erratic weather and confined spaces here. I miss the night sky there, where it's so dark I literally counted more than a 100 stars laying in that hammock by the beach. Where I'm barefooted in the sand, reading by the beach, out at sea doing stuff or by the pool all day under the sun. Black and burnt like nobody's business and I don't really even mind the pain. MAJOR WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS right now :(

This trip was good time away from the city, people, cars, noise, light pollution and whatever else not, something I tend to like a lot. Better yet I practically got to live by and in the waters for the past 4 days. Maybe one day when I get tired enough of life in it's present day I'll find some island and never come back? Hahaha, as if. All but wishful thinking this is.

In a sense it's still good to be home. Got to cuddle with my eldest sis and bug her while gaming together and gave my grandparents huge hugs as if I haven't seen them in years. Don't know why but I'm just really happy to see them tonight. Me is becoming all sorts of weird lately hahaha

On another note, kjs finally POP-ed tonight :)
It's been such a fast yet also incredibly slow 9 weeks, but he made it through ndu's bmt alivveee. Still extremely proud of him for the past 2 months and 1 week regardless of outcome. It's been tough, but he tried his best and that's more than enough. He'll still forever be #diverkhoo to me though :)

And I'm happy for Him too, for pop-ing together with kjs and going on to cdc. We're no longer part of each other's lives but it's good to know he's well, happy and that things are going his way.

" No good deed ever goes unpunished,

but whether a deed is good or bad appears to turn not on the nature or quality of the deed itself 

but rather the amount of hatred that exists for those 

who are it's intended beneficiary."

- The Trial of Fallen Angels

Finally finished this book after what seemed like an eternity. The plot surprised me a little, though the ending was what I figured it would be. Among all, this quote struck me the most. And I realised that It seems our intentions and thoughts are not what deems our actions good or bad, but rather how we feel towards the person we do it for and how they'll eventually view it. I do really like it when a book gives me something to think about.

Mum's being insanely impromptu lately.
First the random JB trip on Thurs and now she booked a trip earlier in the day and we're leaving later in the morning HAHAHA what is up with all this yolo-ness I wonder.
Either way I'm pretty excited for this trip! Been so long since I've been there, I can't really remember what it's like there anymore. Just looking forward to the sun, sand and lots of insane activities hehehe

Can't wait :)

Lucky.

One of the many truths in life
Be it friendships or relationships, rather be important to few than be everyone's type right. Great night with Li xinnn! Finally got to catch up with the girl over mumz home cooked dinner (I LOVE MY MUMZ COOKING hahhaha) Followed by some major htht while she watched me clean the dishes and then we went downstairs to the park to lepak and look at the stars.

Tonight's been real real reallyyy nice :) Sometimes I look at the friends I have and wonder why I manage to meet people like that who are so different, yet so similar all at the same time. People who know me so well that I just need to give them a look and they'll understand what I'm thinking. People I see maybe less than 5 times a year but I know they will be there for me when I need them and vice versa. People I can be absolutely ridiculous with in public and I wouldn't care if others judged. People I can laugh with, cry in front of, crazy dance with, sing together like insane people and whatever else it is I do with these friends.

Them plus my family and I'm really quite a dang lucky girl aren't I? Truth is we don't need everything in life, or sometimes even the things/people we want. Sometimes in the midst of all the wanting and thinking we need this or that, we forget that we're lucky enough to have what we have. Or rather, I'm lucky enough right now with what I have.

It's not perfect, neither is it all good.
But each day now I learn more to treasure the things and people I have with me at this moment. I can finally say: I'm walking out of the shadow I placed over myself.

Rixton - Speakerphone (Live)

Listened to this ALL night with Li xin, first time hearing it and we are BOTH IN LOVE. Hahaha, I really can't get enough of them and his voice. This song has a lot of meaning to a part of me. Music really can heal the most broken of souls.

Strong.

Heard some pretty sad news today.

Though the person himself is taking it pretty well I must say. Then again he's always been independent in handling his own thoughts and feelings. "I'm fine uh hahha" has a varying of meanings and while I know he'll be okay eventually in a few days, I can't help but be worried. haix.

1 more week to pop and this happens ): though he said it's alright and the past 8 weeks haven't been all THAT bad, quite lepak sometimes even. But in all honesty BMT in that particular unit couldn't have been that easy either, it's still an elite unit after all so he most probably suffered quite a bit some days. It is what it is though, none of us can do anything about it

Wherever it is he goes from here I'm just real proud of him for having come thus far, and I really hope he'll be alright soon.

my daily reminder. something I hope he'll remember too.

Hotel Ceiling.

Liv lost tonight ):

this is a sad feeling, but more cause they've been working too hard and playing too well the past few matches to have this now. Chelsea's defense was seriously strong though, and their goal keeper was so on form. Liv tried, they really did, at least 7 shots in the second half. At the end it should be the spirit that counts and they're still my no. 1 team #YNWA #LFC gonna still keep faith that we have a chance to bring home the league tittle. WE CAN DO THISSS!!

Rixton - Hotel Ceiling (Live)

Can't stop listening to this song.

To them in general, falling too much in love with Jake's voice. Its the kind of voice that I'll listen to at 2am in bed and just can't get enough of. Exactly what's been happening the last 2 nights. It's about a friend whose passed on, not something I've experienced personally, but death in it's essence is something everyone's experienced some way or another.

Been discovering artists and bands on the tube these few days, music is legit therapy for a multitude of issues. Even if you have no issues actually. It's the solution to EVERYTHING: bad day, good day, bored, can't sleep etc. 

truer words could not have been said

Peter Hollens feat. Mike Tompkins - Story of my life (cover)

Another artist I found. Kinda really like the way his cover is telling his own love story with his wife. And damn, those eyes look like they can see through my soul.

" Music is a way of life."

Yesterday.

"But Love is blind and lovers cannot see,

 The pretty Follies that themselves commit."

 -The Merchant Of Venice 

A quote from the book I've been reading.

The irony that I'm reading Shakespeare now that I've graduated compared to when there was an actual need for me to read it last year hahaha. I remember vaguely saying something like: "God knows why he(Shakespeare) chooses to write things this way, so much complications and unnecessary drama that is often never EVER realistic at all." I used to really dislike reading his works, Elizabethan language is not really my thing. But in hindsight he's a remarkable writer, for words are never chosen just for the sake of choosing, and theatrical plays were never meant to be practical.

In the middle of another book too: The Trial of Fallen Angels by J.P Kimmel.

"A young disabled lawyer finds herself dead in afterlife, with no recollection of how she died but with memories of her husband, daughter and the life she left behind. And how she's been chosen to join the elite lawyers who prosecute and defend souls at the Final Judgement where she discovers the truth of how, and why she died through her first client."

Okay, I kinda summarized the synopsis... It's 3 paragraphs long. I'm not gonna type that all out!! HAHA it's a pretty interesting read so far. Revolves around the idea that "doing good does not make us good people, doing bad doesn't make us bad people either"

I wonder how this will end, though I'm guessing she will eventually discover empathy and compassion, forgiving the one who caused her death? I might have been reading so much I can now predict the endings of most books HAHA we'll see how it goes though.

On another note, I finally met wit yesterday.

It's been so so long. He's been busy with work and DJ-ing, driving and other things and I was just well, avoiding him. But I've since sorted myself out and he's relatively free-er now so it was about time. We're a pretty weird combo, but oddly enough through the differences there's something that clicks and holds together. Not quite sure what it is, I just know that the friendship between us is different from any other I have with the other guys.

We had a pretty good talk, filling up the gap between us these past 3 months. Other than the incident he had a year ago this was most probably one of the longest htht sessions we've had. "Just look back on this whole experience as a learning point." The words I gave him once, now given back to me. Though now I've already learnt the meaning of those words but seeing wit across me saying those words made me feel like we've each come so far this period of time. He's grown a lot in certain aspects, and I'm really glad to see this side of him again.

This is what my wall is slowly becoming right now

Started last year before prelims when I wrote quotes that kept me going, then notes from the girls and mum and everything else sorta went up too. Some are reminders to myself of the things I've learnt from everything that's happened, others are just my 4am feels. 

I have a feeling this wall will keep expanding, but it's a pretty nice thought. It means I'll have more reminders along the way. 

Long gone, moved on.

The Script - Long Gone and Moved On.

Friends and family who turn my frown upside down~

Went out with Er Jie today for major htht and makan session since the Le L's plan to surprise Chrisy pie failed to happen cause she fell sick ): but she had her Zacky pie to cheer her up and she's much better now.

Haven't had a girls day out with Jie in forever and it felt so good. Times like this she's more the bff than my older sister. Sharing with me all her work worries/ personal secrets (hehehe) and in turn letting me talk about anything and EVERYTHING, ranting my feelings and my insecurities and laughing our heads off cause we do something retarded together in the middle of a crowded street. Sisters really make the worst enemy and best friends. You may fight growing up, but past a certain age you understand that they will be the ones to give you advice, support and love when you fall flat on your face in life, when you feel so dang hopeless, when your heart's so broken you almost can't find the pieces.

And that's exactly what she is to me <3 <3 <3

Today I thought about Fate.

Whether it really exists or everything is just a series of consequences from our actions and coincidences. I've been avoiding all of it like they all tell me too. "Don't care, don't look, don't think, don't feel" like they all tell me to. It's working, it really is.

Just some days he's still a shadow over me. When knowing that they are together doing the things we used to do, going to the places we used to go, doing the things we might have done together. Some days this shadow hangs over me. Today is one of those days.

It doesn't really happen often anymore, that heartache when I see his tweets or the way other people respond to the both of them. It's now a quiet pain that pokes at me, a scar that's slowly healing. He's happy, really happy and I'm the bystander watching outside. We said we would be friends, I thought that it was possible. I forgot that most couples that end don't end up as friends, I forgot that he doesn't want or need me in his life anymore.

What is Fate exactly?

Is it real? Or is everything just a result of my own actions and the funny thing people call coincidence. I don't think I'll ever figure that out. 

Suddenly my memory of us is blurry, almost like a dream. Maybe that's what we've become: nothing but fragments of lingering moments, warmth, words and forgotten promises. I know I shouldn't but I still wonder if I wasn't good enough.

I sometimes still miss him.

But I know he's no longer the guy that belonged with me, and that still saddens me.

Sprinkles.

CUPCAKESS
Sorry the photo's so huge. I just couldn't help it, can almost smell the cupcake batter just looking at this. Exaggerating like nobody's business HAHA but it does taste good, according to le friends and family, so I would say I've made successful cupcakes :D

Cold night again
And this insane thundering is not making me feel any better. Wanted to go for a run but the weather obviously wants me at home, in bed.... so I ain't gonna argue hehehe. Lazy me has decided that I need to start keeping fit again, this time not because I can't sleep at 2 in the morning or cause I'm an exploding ball of horrible emotions. This time for my own good i.e mental and physical fitness (SOUNDS NOTHING LIKE WHAT I WOULD USUALLY SAY LOL) I still don't like running though, not one bit. Okay, now I sound like me again.

Was watching running man just now and I laughed so hard I almost rolled off the bed my goodness. That show never fails to put me in a good mood. I think I might end up watching rm through the whole night and that is a very bad idea cause it's a long day tomorrow. Can't wait to meet Dawnz tomorrow and start planning plus the musical tomorrow night. It's going to be good.

Strength.

Soccer night with Le L's @ Ben's as usual.
So used to seeing them till it's almost like nothing nowadays :) Liverpool vs Man City tonight and Pool nearly gave me a heart attack in the second half. My goodness. Still, glad they pushed through it all and made it 3-2. Been watching Liv for 6 years, and I haven't seen a team of players play so well or try so hard together in awhile. It's a heart-swelling kind of feeling, Pride perhaps.

Bake day with Jie ytd and we ended up creating a complete storm in the kitchen: Peach Cheese cake, Vanilla white choco cupcakes and Orange sponge cake. Me is going to put back on all the weight I lost recently, but it's okay hehehe. I finally have my appetite back (somewhat) and that's a positive sign: I'm finally getting my life back in order.

I've been thinking about a certain erm...issue these days.
Started last week when the Le L's wouldn't stop bugging me about it (yes, they bug me but I still love them hahaha) actually it's been ongoing for so long. Just I never really put too much thought into it, I'm not quite sure why. But it hits me more now than it did before, and I don't really know why too. A little afraid of these thoughts though. I suppose only time will tell where this is all heading, too much thinking never did anyone good right?

G.E.M 邓紫棋 - 龙卷风 (tornado)

Another song from her that TOTALLY says how I feel. It's a cover of Jay Chou's song but I think I like her's so much better.

"Love is like a gust of wind

It leaves after it's finished blowing,
It's a kind of rhythm, no one can cope with it
Since you went away, my soul went out of control
The dark cloud is landing, and I'm pulled away by it

Love has gone too fast just like a tornado
I cannot bear it, but I've already got nowhere to hide
I don't want to think again, I don't want to think again
I can't, I can't and I don't want to think of you again

Without knowing it,You've already left me
Without knowing it, I've followed this rhythm
In hindsight, another autumn passes
In hindsight, I should make good use of my life

Rap:
Right now, how harshly do you want me to say it
I never wanted to part
Why do I still have to put on a smile and shake it off
No, no, I don't have the ability to bear with you and accept her
but don't you worry too much, I will live well
I see you've long left, I will slowly learn to leave as well
And I will learn to give up
Because, I love you "

Had to translate this whole thing, BECAUSE THE LYRICS JUST SPEAK TO ME. Hahaha She's honestly such a great singer/ producer though, she came up with the rap portion on her own.

Might be almost numbed to this feeling in my heart. Either that or I've learnt to let go more these past 3 weeks than the past 5 months. Which ever it might be, it seems we're always stronger than we think ourselves to be. This though, is a good thing.

2:32am

G.E.M 邓紫棋 - 如果没有你 (if there wasn't you)

She's a genius.

"Hey, I really miss you.
It's started to rain outside again
My eyes are dry but I feel like crying
I wonder where you are right now.

If there wasn't you, there would be no past.

I wouldn't have known heartbreak

But if there was an "if", I would still love you

If there wasn't you, where would I be
What would there be to say "it's such a shame"

Anyway it's all too late.

Anyway, I've lost myself.

Hey, I really miss you.
There are too many emotions but no suitable expression
All the words I really want to say, where should I start?
Do you ever miss me the way I miss you?"

2am feels, nonetheless it's a great version of this heartbreaking song.